


Serendipitous (Gawsten)

by slaughterparx



Category: Waterparks (Band)
Genre: Gawsten, waterparks
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-14
Updated: 2019-03-11
Packaged: 2019-08-01 18:39:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 71
Words: 70,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16289711
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/slaughterparx/pseuds/slaughterparx
Summary: An apathetic boy with colourblindness and too many problems serendipitously meets a boy who may be able to help him feel all of the colours he'd never seen.





	1. A/N

AUTHOR'S NOTE

This story contains mature themes and language.  
There will be mentions of anxiety/panic attacks, depression, suicidal thoughts, blood, religion, eating/sleeping disorders, and abuse.

If any of these things are triggering, please do not read this story. Individual chapters will not contain trigger warnings. Look after yourselves.

Disclaimer:  
This story is completely fiction and was written for entertainment purposes only, if any information is false it was written that way deliberately.

I'm also from Australia so the spelling may be a little different, but I tried to keep everything as neutral as possible.

\- Milly xx


	2. Stultified

His brain was going to retire his body soon. His music was so loud that maybe his ears would begin to bleed and would assist drowning out the screaming that was being endured by his parents downstairs. His focus was drawn from his ceiling to his closed bedroom door that was being pounded down by his sister. "Awsten, turn your music down!" Immediately, he dragged the volume bar on his phone across to maximum volume until he could physically see his speaker vibrate on every drum beat, he didn't want to deal with her either.

Yeah, Awsten loved Gracie, she seemed to be the only 'normal' person to exist within the household, but today she was dragging the entire family to her best friend, Sarah's, birthday dinner. He hated eating around people, his insecurities would scream in his head to tell him that eating was selfish. He was sickeningly thin, his bones carved permanent dents through his skin; he knew that he was unwell, he knew that he didn't eat or sleep or generally look after himself enough. He wanted to eat. He was hungry most of the time, actually, and he wanted to put on more weight, but every single time he ate he became nauseated; maybe because of the guilt, or maybe because he was just so hungry.

On top of the actual 'dinner' situation, Awsten had barely met Sarah's family. He knew that she had an older brother and her mother and father who were happily married, as far as Awsten was aware. They also had pretty much adopted Gracie, she spent most nights there, and Sarah's bedroom had more of her stuff than her one at home did; Awsten couldn't blame her, though.

New people were terrifying. Unfamiliar creatures that he feared would rip out his throat if he even considered looking at them in the wrong way, even though dying seemed quite pleasant to Awsten. Unfamiliar people were all he knew, he couldn't name a single person outside of the walls in his house that would notice if he went missing; even then he hid in his room most of the time and could go without leaving it for multiple days.

Song after song played, all merging together to just create noise. All he needed right now was noise, something so complicated that would confuse his head and his brain would try to stop thinking. His thoughts were the enemy, without them he could simply co-exist with the world around him and not have to worry all the time. Song after song, until a combination of sounds that Awsten had grown to love began to ring into his head.

"Doctor, doctor, give me a lobotomy,"

He smiled to himself, how badly he wanted all of his emotions to just leave his head. doctor, doctor, give me a lobotomy. The banging on his door came back, one day it was bound to fall off of its hinges. "I'm serious, Awsten! are you even getting ready to leave? We're leaving at six!" Gracie yelled through Awsten's thick wooden door, he could barely hear her over the song, but piecing together her words was an art he had mastered over the past year or so. Six. He opened his phone to reveal the time, "five forty-five? Shit." Awsten quietly said to himself and pulled himself up off his bed, sheets were messily sprawled across his mattress.

He paused the music and turned it down so it wouldn't startle him the next time he tried to play it again and dragged himself over to his closet. He couldn't admit that he was ever overwhelmed by his choices of clothing, his parents would never allow him to leave his house in anything that was ripped or band tees; not like he ever left the house willingly, anyway. he pulled out a pair of unripped black skinny jeans and a plain white T-shirt. Too casual, dad wouldn't like that. Awsten sighed, placing the shirt back wherever it would fit and eyeing a dark blue button-up. Don't wear so many dark things, Awsten! Dad wouldn't like that.

He owned a few colourful clothing items that were only there because his mother wouldn't accept the fact that his brain worked in black and white, that he felt a certain connection to black and white. he decided on a loose red hoodie, who cared if it was too casual? he was comfortable and there wasn't any time to change.

He wouldn't have to look at the red, anyway, since he was severely colourblind and could barely see it.

Lacing up his black and white converse, he hesitantly turned the knob on his door and pulled it towards him, sighing at the reminder of walking directly into hell. Hell. An understatement, a place, if it existed, that would actually be more pleasant than here. he stumbled quietly down the staircase, be careful not to make too much sound, Awsten! His thoughts helped him sometimes, he had memorised all of the sections of the stairs that wouldn't squeak, which as an afterthought, was actually quite sad.

His vision settled immediately onto his mother when his feet made contact with the floor at the bottom of the stairs. She was wearing a dark dress, he guessed purple based off of the shade of grey that radiated off of the fabric, and long stiletto heels. Her blonde hair was back in a tight bun that was heavily coated in hairspray, it looked tacky, but it was her expression that made Awsten cringe the worst. "Finally decided to come out of your room?" she wasn't playful, she was being sarcastically wicked, a small smile perched on her lips that looked proud. Proud of what? Maybe it was raising a son that wanted absolutely fucking nothing to do with her. Yeah, that sounded about right.

Awsten rolled his eyes at the ground just for the satisfaction of feeling it, if she actually saw him moving his eyes in such a manner he would never hear the end of it, probably never feel the end of it, too. The sound of Gracie's heels tapping down the staircase saved Awsten from having to conversate with his mother, saying absolutely nothing was the better alternative to saying something she didn't approve of, which felt like everything. "Dad, are you ready?" Gracie yelled, enthusiastically.

"Of course, baby." Daddy's little girl. Awsten was envious of how much his father liked Gracie, he never even dreamed of hitting her. Of course, Gracie was always going to be the favourite child, she wasn't a disappointment. Unlike Awsten, she actually got very high grades and studied and had somewhat of a social life. She attended all of her classes and church every Sunday without fail, and she never argued. She didn't do this because she was scared, it was just who she was, which just made Awsten submerge himself even deeper into his extremely dominant insecurities.


	3. Sixteen

"She's turning sixteen."

Gracie hadn't stopped talking the entire car ride there, babbling on in the back seat of their parent's car. She's turning sixteen. Why this information was important? It wasn't. but Gracie seemed happy, and Awsten didn't want to see her any other way; she deserved the world, but this sick little twisted world certainly did not deserve her.

The car that was being driven by the minor's father pulled into the rocky driveway that was attached to Sarah's house, the car door from Gracie's side opening before the car was completely at a stop, a cold breeze wafting through the vehicle that made Awsten's pale skin prick. He had his earphones in his ears playing music as loud as he could get it without his parents being able to hear it, which was much too quiet in his opinion, however, it was better than nothing. This was his least favourite thing to do; having to bring himself to pause his music and come back in touch with reality.

Walking behind his sister, Awsten hesitantly entered the house, being greeted with too many smiles and a faint smell of sour strawberries, completely overpowered by scents of artificial cinnamon candles and cooked meat, making him feel absolutely sick to his stomach. He hated sweet things, and he had been a vegetarian for a long time. Before any thoughts could filter inside the blonde boy's head, he was encased in a hug from Sarah's mother, immediately wriggling out before his claustrophobia caused him to have an anxiety attack. Part of him was grateful that she didn't seem to realise that he had shaken from her embrace, but the other knew that this meant she would probably try and hug him again later.

Gracie was already gone, down the hall and into her friend's room, leaving Awsten alone with his nightmarish parents and Sarah's overly-affectionate mother, who was now being joined by her husband, who had just been cooking. Questions filled the room, he understood that everyone was just being polite, but Awsten could never find the line between being polite and being unnecessarily annoying. How old are you? Nineteen, as of last month. What are you doing with your life? Music. followed by a laugh by his father, "He's only kidding, he knows that's not a valid career choice."

Not a valid career choice.

Who was Awsten kidding? Playing music was never going to work out for him, but he had to hold onto hope seeing as though nowhere would ever hire him.

He hoped that they would start eating soon, the part of the night that he was absolutely dreading, but it meant that hopefully the small talk would stop and Awsten could escape from this situation soon.

Almost as if his 'prayer' that was much more of just a thought based off of circumstances was answered, Sarah's father, who still had not introduced himself, came inside with plates of red and white meat that made Awsten crave his bedroom more than he previously did, this was going to be a long night.

"Girls! Dinner is on the table!" The pair, who were both sixteen now, happily bounded out to the table, situating themselves at the end of the table together, leaving Awsten to be stuck between both of his parents. Perhaps Awsten shouldn't hate his parents that much, they did offer him food that he never ate and let him live in the house that was practically paid off by the money left in his grandparent's wills. Awsten was pretty sure his mother was thrilled that her parents were dead once she saw what had been left to her name on that will.

And it commenced, the seven of them around the table, six of them eating and participating in conversation while Awsten stared down at his empty plate, hoping to whatever force that controlled the universe that nobody would ask questions. You know they will, right? And everyone will hate you almost as much as you do! It was official, Awsten's mind hated him.

"That ring is absolutely gorgeous!" Awsten heard his mother say, directed at Sarah. Of course she thought it was nice, it was a large stone, he couldn't quite figure out what colour, and it was embedded with diamonds. It looked expensive.

"Thank you," Sarah genuinely smiled back. "Geoff got it for me, for my birthday!"

That was right, Sarah had a brother. A brother who was currently not at this table. "Where is he?" Awsten's voice cracked, these were the first words he'd spoken in the last hour.

"I wouldn't know," she responded. "Probably in his room, or something." Awsten chuckled sarcastically to himself. He had to be here, the brother of Sarah's best friend, and not even her own biological brother did. Fucking bullshit.

"Awsten, honey, why are you not eating?" This was Sarah's mother, Rachel.

"I'm sorry, Mrs. Wigington, I'm just not very hungry."

"He doesn't eat meat." Gracie butted in. Great.

"Oh, dear! Let me get you something else, I'm sorry." She began to get out of her seat but Awsten stopped her.

"No no, it's okay. Seriously, I ate before I got here," lies. "and I'm really not very hungry." lies. He tried to sound genuine, but he couldn't help the fact that he was constantly dead on the inside.

Eventually everyone finished their second or third plate of food that was making Awsten want to gag, and the plates were being cleared of the table and replaced with a big, decorative cake with "happy birthday" scrawled across the top. Of course.

Meat and sweets.

He sighed. The lights went out and happy birthday began to get sung by the candle light. Awsten didn't sing until Gracie glared at him, in which he began to just inaudibly mouth the words.

The lights came on, the candles went out, the typical 'what did you wish for?' And 'I can't tell you' went around the room. "Do you want some cake, Awsten, honey?"

Call me honey one more time, I dare you. I am not sweet and I will prove it to you if I have to.

"Can I please use the bathroom?"


	4. Sweet

Awsten was overwhelmed by the sweet. Some sweet was okay, like the almost sour smell of strawberry that he initially smelled when he came into the house that was immediately overridden by a disgusting scent of cinnamon. But the strawberry filled his nose as he went down the staircase into the basement where it became stronger.

Down the stairs, door on the right.

Awsten didn't need the bathroom. He needed an escape from everyone and everything, the negative noise, the colourful birthday cake that everyone seemed to fall in love with, except for Awsten, who was completely abnormal.

It was cooler down here. He began to become a more comfortable temperature now, catching sight of the door on the right, also noticing an identical one on the left. As he walked over towards the bathroom, he felt his breath hitch in his chest as his brain told him he recognised it, the song that was being played from the room on his left.

"The collision of your kiss..."

Was that Sarah's brother's room? The faint 'Geoff' that had been neatly scratched into the white paint on the door confirmed that it was. Awsten had never actually come across anyone that liked My Chemical Romance outside of the internet. Here he was, standing outside of a strangers room, listening to the soft sound of Cemetery Drive playing from a record player within the room that smelled like sour strawberries. This was the light within the dark.

He snapped from his trance, glad that Geoff hadn't decided to leave his bedroom while Awsten was just standing there staring at the wall. He began to push the door open to the bathroom and wash his face.

Creak, click. The two sounds that came with opening and closing a door, followed by, "You're shaking." Awsten looked up into the mirror to reveal a boy, who couldn't be much older than him, who was looking at him contently. Awsten must have left the door open, and his anxiety was now becoming a source of entertainment for the boy, who he assumed to be Geoff.

"No fucking shit." Awsten rolled his eyes, shakily watching the water roll from the tap and off of his cold hands. He took another look in the mirror at the boy who was still staring, this time noticing the icy blue that stained Geoff's irises.

Blue was the only colour Awsten could see. Yeah, he couldn't see it completely, but it was enough to be a colour and not just grey with a tint. Ironically enough, blue was the colour that was associated with feelings of sadness; but the piercing blue of Geoff's eyes were not cold, they made him feel warm.

"Can I h-help you?" Awsten directed at the boy who was watching him try to control the inevitable anxiety attack that was rising in his chest, his breathing already constricting.

Geoff smiled softly and left. Not another word said, he just walked out of the bathroom leaving Awsten to his lonely little world that he adored so much, so he could break down in peace, or into pieces, he wasn't sure yet.

So he did. He walked over to the door that was cracked open, closed it, and slid down the wall. Gripping at his hair, his mind began to scream.

His breathing was unsteady and shaking, the little straw that he had once breathed through was growing smaller every single breath he took. The hot tears streamed down his face, although he tried to muffle his breath so that he wouldn't disturb Geoff, he wouldn't want to bother him and his fucking priorities, whatever they were.

Spots of black began to block out his already colourless vision, until Awsten noticed the door slowly open and a figure walk back into the room. Awsten flinched and squirmed into the corner of the small tiled bathroom, "D-don't f-fuck-king touch m-me!" He half yelled, he tried to scream as loud as he could but he didn't have enough control over his body.

"I'm not going to touch you, okay?" The voice was soft, Geoff's voice, why had he come back? "You need to stand up." He was calm but firm.

Awsten was embarrassed. "I-I can't-t."

"You have to. Or I will come over there and pull you up." Why was Geoff being such an asshole? Awsten didn't need this shit anymore, he got enough of it during his time at school, he didn't want his anxiety to become another episode for people to laugh at whenever they wanted.

"F-fuck. Y-y-you."

Geoff didn't flinch. His expression stayed soft. "Stand up. Do as I say and then I'll leave you alone, okay?" Awsten couldn't believe this. But he pulled himself up using the counter, he didn't want Geoff anywhere near him right now. "Flap your arms, like a bird." Awsten almost laughed in anger.

"I'm f-fucking sor-orry?"

"And jump. Like jumping jacks."

"F-fuck yo-you." He was definitely being made fun of.

"You're feisty, huh? Do five jumping jacks and I'll stop talking to you. Another five and I'll leave you alone." Awsten glared at Geoff just long enough to realise he was being completely serious. His tears came quicker. He didn't understand, but he complied.

One, two three, four, five.

Awsten looked over at Geoff who surprisingly, wasn't laughing at him, just gave him a small reassuring smile.

Six, seven, eight, nine, ten.

Eleven.  
Twelve.  
Thirteen.

His breathing stabilised and Awsten was hit with a wave of lethargy that made him slide back down onto the floor. His shaking had calmed down, too.

Geoff Wigington had just stopped Awsten Knight from having an anxiety attack.

Geoff Wigington, the boy Awsten Knight hadn't even technically met, had just been the first person in his miserable little life to even bother to try to stop him from having an anxiety attack.

Geoff handed him a glass of cold water in which he had been holding the entire time and Awsten just hadn't noticed, probably why he had left the bathroom in the first place, to go get it.

"Thank you."


	5. Security

Awsten began to climb the staircase that he had originally come down. Back up to the celebration, back to the cinnamon and birthday cake and too-cheerful chatter. He had been gone for an awfully long time, everybody seemed to have forgotten that Awsten even existed for the while that he was gone, until he forcefully rejoined himself to the group. "Are you okay, honey?" No. Awsten was aware that he now looked jaded. He felt it, too, exhaustion clouded his head to the point where he felt like he was levitating far off of the stable ground; and he hated heights.

"I'm okay, thank you, Rachel." He was far too unfocused to be as polite and formal as he was when he first arrived at this house with his family, earning him a forceful glare from his mother that made him laugh to himself. "I was just talking to your son, he's very nice."

He watched as Mrs. Wigington chuckled to herself. "Well, I wouldn't say 'nice' is the right word. He's very plain, but you like plain people, don't you, honey?" She's just trying to be nice. She's just trying to make conversation. But Awsten had gotten kind of annoyed at that comment, it was obvious that she didn't think very highly of her son, and she probably didn't think very highly of Awsten either; he couldn't blame her when not even he had any self-dignity.

So he smiled at her in a way that was not genuine, but she didn't take the hint. He was ready to leave, he never wanted to come back to this place, even though inevitably, he would again one day. Gracie is happy. You selfish fuck, Gracie is happy.

He sighed and sat down at the small table that nobody was at anymore, everyone seemed caught up around the main kitchen bench, throwing sentences into the conversation. He didn't know what he wanted anymore. He thought that maybe the Wigington's would be perfect because their family situation was secure, they were polite and caring; certainly better than what he dealt with at his house, but he was still dissatisfied.

He refused to call his house 'home'. It wasn't home, the only place there that he felt safe in was his bedroom that he had installed two locks on, somewhere that he could isolate himself from danger. "Are you ready to go?" It was Gracie, he must have been caught up in his head for much longer than he expected, he spent most of his time wandering around in the thoughts that roamed his mind.

Nodding gratefully, he stood, words of thanks echoed around the room as Awsten lightheadedly avoided conversation and headed towards the door and pulled it open. He left with no goodbye, no thank you, which was exactly how he wanted to leave: sure that he wasn't welcome again.

He looked down into his hand realising that he was holding the car key, unaware of how it got there, Gracie probably gave it to him when he was in his headspace. Gently pushing on the button, he heard the click that signalled the latches releasing and unlocking the car, which he slid into and waited for the rest of the people he had to call family to leave the Wigington's home.

——————

The car ride was long and dragged on, his earphones firmly locked into his ears with music blaring over the angry words spilling from the mouths of his parents. "Why are you such a piece of shit?" "Awsten, can't you do anything for us, ever?" He dragged the volume bar across his phone as far as it would go, permanently damaging his hearing would mean he wouldn't have to deal with the familiar sound of anger.

The bump, bump, bump, as the vehicle rolled into the driveway filled Awsten with, surprisingly, relief. He made his way inside the dark house and ran up the stairs, quickly into his room before shutting the door, clicking the locks closed so that he felt safe once again.

And he cried.

He finally let himself break down, falling to the ground and letting the volume of the songs playing through his earphones drown out the sound of his own sobs. This wasn't another attack, as such, it was more of his feelings leaking out of his soul that had been embedded deep within himself. It was only then that he noticed the forceful shake of his door and chains on his locks, the pounding on his door too dominant to be Gracie; it was his father.

It was only now that his fingers began to shake, you coward, you fucking coward. He started to rip at his hair like a mad man, "no, no. No!" He whispered to himself in between each breath. That's when he remembered. He stood up, his knees almost buckling beneath his very light weight.

One, two, three, four, five.  
Six, seven, eight, nine, ten.  
Eleven.  
Twelve.  
Thirteen.

And he fell asleep on the scratchy carpet that felt like he was floating on one million clouds.


	6. Surrender

As Awsten peeled his eyes open and hissed at the light that was openly flowing through his window, he felt okay, well-rested, which was something he hadn't felt in a very long time. That was until he remembered exactly why he had actually slept the previous night, and why he was still on his carpeted bedroom floor.

It was too early in the morning for him to panic. It was actually eleven a.m., but his body was still half-asleep and he didn't think he would have any energy anytime soon. He had gotten a full twelve-hour rest, which felt like more than he had gotten all year, combined. He was also so hungry that he felt like his body was just going to give up on him. He wished it would.

Regardless of how Awsten felt, there was only so long he could stay in his locked up bedroom before he would inevitably have to have an encounter with his dad, which could not go well no matter how he handled it. Of course, he could climb out of his second-floor window and just leave; he had nothing to leave behind, anyway. But on top of that, he had absolutely nowhere and no one to run to. After mentally listing all of the reasons why he should panic, it occurred to him that the house was deathly quiet and the small car that he had been told was red was not in its usual spot in the driveway. He was home alone.

He decided to take this opportunity to get some food from the kitchen to bring back to stock in his room. He usually resorted there, away from his problems which he liked to avoid because he was a coward. He often involuntarily reminded himself of this, you fucking worthless coward, just keep running from everything! He crept down the stairs out of habit, making too much noise in the open living space never ended well; for him, at least.

The cupboards seemed pretty empty, but he collected what he could and this time sloppily made his way back up the staircase. You are home alone. He can't hurt you, now. But he was wrong, "Awsten? Is that you?"

Of course, Awsten had only just now remembered that it was Sunday, Gracie and his mother were at church, his dad only sometimes went, but, clearly today he did not. Awsten threw the bags of food onto the floor of his bedroom and shut the door quickly, going back down the stairs into his dad's home office where he was situated, doing paperwork.

"You're going back to apologise to the Wigington's." he said firmly, his eyes not leaving the page that he was scrawling on, but he pulled off his glasses.

"What? Why?" Awsten knew better then to ask questions, but he was angry and wasn't thinking.

He looked up this time. "Because you weren't polite. You didn't eat. You completely ghosted for thirty minutes, you selfish piece of shit."

"I had a fucking anxiety attack because you keep dragging me into these situations!" He yelled, and he immediately regretted ever speaking and wished he could shove all of his words back into his throat. Don't cry, you coward.

His dad shot up and out of his chair and before Awsten could process what was happening, he was pinned against the cold wall by his throat. "Don't you fucking swear at me!" Too late. Awsten couldn't breathe. He had enough air stored in his lungs to last him comfortably for a little while longer, but he wasn't sure exactly how long that would be.

He began to panic once he adjusted to the fact that he wasn't breathing, that only drained the little bit of life that remained in his lungs. The first sign of his oxygen deprivation was the uncontrollable shaking and gasping for air. The second, which came awfully quick, was the blurring of his vision and ceasing to be able to hear the slurs that were being screamed from his father.

This was it. He was going to die. Awsten could have sworn he smiled to himself. You are finally going to die. He didn't even have to try, the man pinning him against the wall would do the job for him.

Unfortunately, Awsten felt himself fall to the ground and his lungs burn, meaning that he had been let go. So close. He curled into himself, making himself smaller as if that was going to somehow help his body fill with oxygen more efficiently. "I'm going to call the Wigington household by four. You better have fucking visited and not made a scene."

"Yes, sir." he croaked, and Awsten watched as the man left the office and disappeared into the bedroom suite. He had pretty much just surrendered to the man that wants him dead, almost as much as Awsten wants himself six feet underground. He also had to refer to his dad as 'sir' or 'Mr. Knight', he would get a pretty harsh beating if he didn't; although it saved him the trouble of having to call this person his father.

Once he had enough stamina to move around and stand, he began to climb the squeaky wooden staircase that led up to his bedroom. Don't make a sound. He pulled down the door handle and pushed his door open, closing it swiftly but quietly and securing the locks on the back of his door. He sighed, he was going to have visit Wigington's.

As he was taking another pair of plain black skinny jeans from his cupboard, he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror. His neck was covered in patches of clustered bruising, all mushed together to form a constellation of tinted greys. It probably looked worse to people who had the ability to see colour, this was one of the times that Awsten was grateful he couldn't.

He decided on wearing a light grey turtleneck sweater, it covered the slender marks across his pale skin that resembled the fingers of the man downstairs. He took the car keys to his beat-up truck off of his desk and began to start discreetly towards the garage where his car was.

What a shame it would be if it crashed.


	7. Spiral

Awsten wasn't focusing on the traffic as he drove towards the house that he didn't want to return to. In fact, there wasn't a place on this planet that he wanted to return to, which is why his brain worked the way it did. He was spiralling down a list of all the ways he had successfully managed to fuck up his life.

Why don't you move out? Because I can't afford it.  
Why can't you afford it? Because I can't get a job.   
And why not? Because I failed school.   
Well then! Stop blaming your misery on other people, this is your fault.

Awsten was now pulling into the Wigington's driveway. He had subconsciously driven here and had managed to not get into an accident, unfortunately for him. He was still not completely sure why he was here, the only person who deserved an apology beyond those walls was Geoff, who had to deal with his ass while he was a complete mess. No, not an apology; a word of thanks, because Awsten was grateful, not sorry.

He turned off the car and unclipped his seatbelt, resting his head on his hands that were firmly gripping the steering wheel. He stayed there for a minute or two, putting off having to leave the space of his old truck that felt so safe. Tap, tap. Somebody was knocking on the bonnet of his truck, and Awsten pulled his head up to reveal Geoff, who just seemed almost amused by Awsten sitting alone in his car in the driveway.

Awsten slightly rolled his eyes and placed his forehead back onto the steering wheel, he began to realise how badly he did not want to talk to anybody right now. But he heard a car door open and a light breeze wash over him before the door closed again and warmth filled the air, a good kind of warm.

He lulled his head to the side, icy blue swallowing him as he acknowledged the soft gaze coming from Geoff, who was now sitting in the passenger seat of his car. "Can I help you?"

"You asked that last time."

"What?" Awsten decided to sit up properly now, looking at Geoff almost annoyed. This was the first time he was in control of his thoughts, last night he was preoccupied with his anxiety and couldn't actually take any notice of anything about Geoff. Now, he seemed to be drawn to his fraying ripped black jeans and plain black T-shirt, the small black ring that was pierced through his nose. His icy blue eyes that Awsten was already attached to, honey hair that fell over them.

All things considered, Geoff Wigington was actually really fucking hot.

"Last night, you asked if you could help me, which you can't. I know it was rhetorical and I'm taking it out of context, but, if I'm being completely honest, I think you are the one who could use a bit of help." Awsten didn't know what to say. He wasn't annoyed anymore, just slightly confused. "Sorry for rambling."

Geoff hadn't rambled, though. The way he spoke was poetic, almost. "I don't need help, thanks." He replied sarcastically, although the look he was getting from brunette suggested that maybe now wasn't the time for it.

"Seeing as though I had to pull you from having an anxiety attack last night, would, arguably, give me a stronger case." Awsten just glared at Geoff, death burned into his eyes but Geoff only chuckled to himself.

"Why are you in my car, anyway?"

"What, I'm not welcome?" Geoff teased, before sobering up and complying to provide a proper answer. "I was just coming back from my shift at work and noticed you alone in your car. Kind of sad. I wouldn't want to leave you alone in your car looking like you wanted to die, would I?"

Clearly not. "And what if I do? What if I like sitting alone in your driveway?" Awsten didn't like wanting to die, he liked the idea of dying which was the side-effect of wanting it. Maybe if circumstances were different he would have a hobby, like a sport. A hobby like every other person his age.

Instead, he was severely addicted to destroying himself.

"Then, Knight, that only proves my case further."

"It's Awsten."

"Oh, I know, but you have to earn your way onto a first name basis."

The two sat silently in Awsten's truck that resided motionlessly in the driveway. They were both staring through the windshield that screened a plain brick wall of Geoff's house, allowing Awsten to travel lightly back into his thoughts until he was reminded of what brought him here in the first place. "I have to apologise to your family."

"Holy shit, what did you do?"

"Well, Geoff," he made it obvious that he wasn't going to comply with Geoff's surname only rules. "That's what I'm still trying to figure out." The pains on Awsten's neck felt like they were drilled deep under his skin, it hurt so bad. The bruising seemed to have developed over the last little bit of time, because the gentle pressure from his turtleneck was causing him pain. The pain was not an issue when he first put it on.

He opened the door to the truck before sliding out, waiting for Geoff to do the same before locking the doors. The brunette was the first one to the doorstep, Awsten followed into the house. Cinnamon. "Geoff, is that you?" Awsten recognised this as Rachel, Mrs. Wigington's, voice. "Oh, hello, Awsten." She seemed confused, probably pissed off that he was back in her house.

"Hey, Mrs. Wigington." Awsten looked at Geoff who was still hanging around, probably waiting for something to go down. "I just thought I should drop by and apologise for last night." I didn't think that, my dad did, but I'm just his stupid fucking puppet.

Seeing as though not even Awsten knew exactly what he should be apologising for, he waited for a "don't worry, honey." Or "there's no need." But clearly there was, because she just gave him a small smile and waited.

"I g-guess I'm sorry f-for ghosting when everyone was celebr-brating your daughters birthday." He was slightly nervous causing him to stumble over his words. He knew that it was almost not his fault for disappearing when everybody was eating cake, and it was now that he remembered that Geoff also knew.

"I appreciate that, honey. Just don't do it again, it was very upsetting."

"It's Awsten."

"It wasn't his fault," this was Geoff now, Awsten gave him a look that was thankful but suggested not to elaborate, before looking over to Mrs. Wigington who was slightly death-staring at her son.

He rolled his head around in an attempt to move the turtleneck, the seam was firmly digging into one of the blemishes on his neck.

And then Geoff firmly grabbed his wrist and began to drag him down the staircase.


	8. Strawberry

"What the fuck was that for?"

Awsten was standing in the corner of Geoff's tidy bedroom, looking over at the boy who was situated on the made bed in the opposite corner. His room was painted a soft white colour, he had band posters that had been neatly pinned to his walls, covering most of the wall space that he had. "You looked like you were about to collapse, and-"

Awsten cut him off. "My dad is going to fucking kill me, he was the one who made me come here in the first place!" He was whisper-screaming, he wasn't angry, as such, just really, really scared.

"And," he shuffled uncomfortably. "the bruises on your neck are showing." Geoff finished the sentence he started previously.

"Huh?" Awsten brought his fingers to where the marks were, realising that his sweater had crept down slightly, just enough to show some colour. "Fuck." He muttered quietly to himself, although he was pretty sure Geoff heard.

"I don't think she saw, in case you're wondering."

"How can you be sure?" He was talking quickly as he started to panic, feeding off the expression in Geoff's eyes to reassure him.

"Because she asks questions. That woman does not have a fucking filter, I swear. She tries too hard to care and ends up in other people's drama way too often. If she saw them, she would have asked questions." He concluded. It took Awsten a moment to process everything before deciding that Geoff was right. Maybe he was just trying to make Awsten feel okay, but he knew his mother and Awsten didn't think that Geoff would lie to him about this.

He was lightly shaking. Of course he was, he was too pathetic to deal with situations without freaking out. "You realise that eventually, I'm going to have to leave your bedroom. I'm going to have to go back up there and get out to my car to get home. You've probably noticed, but I get anxious pretty fucking easily." He sighed and sat down on the bed, too, not that he exactly wanted to be closer to Geoff but he was scared his legs would buckle underneath him if he stood for any longer. "You're making things very difficult for me."

Geoff only smiled, it almost looked playful. "Calm down, Knight. Sunday, two o'clock, my mum always leaves to go out to lunch with her best friend, Cathy. You're stuck with me for thirty minutes."

He sighed as Geoff stood up to retrieve the vinyl for "Vessel" by Twenty One Pilots, and Awsten became completely aware of the sour strawberry scent that he recognised from the previous night. That was when he noticed all of the half-burnt out candles that littered Geoff's desk and bookcase, he didn't know what colour they were, but, based off of the smell, he guessed red.

"I wake up fine and dandy but then by the time I find it handy..."

The vinyl sounded worn out, meaning that Geoff probably listened to it a lot. "You like Twenty One Pilots?" Geoff asked almost excitedly. No, not excited, passionate. Awsten wasn't sure what he had done that suggested to Geoff that he knew the song, but he nodded.

"To rip my heart apart and start planning my crash landing..."

Geoff smiled. That fucking smile. Awsten went to stand next to Geoff who was looking over his vinyl collection, to grasp an idea of what kind of music he liked. Based off of the posters that lined the walls in the room, Awsten already had an idea of what music Geoff was into, fairly similar to Awsten's. My Chemical Romance, Panic! At The Disco, Fall Out Boy, Twenty One Pilots. Looking over the vinyls, their music tastes were close to parallel to each other. The Story So Far, Pierce The Veil, Blink-182. Awsten was more into bands like The 1975 and Paramore as opposed to the heavier bands, but he didn't mind them.

His heart stopped when he saw Dirty Work by All Time Low. He knew his heart didn't literally stop, just squeezed before it had time to fill with blood; but he felt a wave of excitement wash over him. He removed the vinyl that was layered in other albums into his hands, looking over at Geoff. It had a worn out cover and one of the corners was bent back. Taking the hint, the brunette took the album and walked over to the record player that had now moved on to "Holding Onto You", before taking the stylus off the record and replacing it with the new one.

"I let it ride on a bad bet..."

This was Awsten's favourite album. He could never decide on his favourite band, it changed from time to time, but there was no denying that this album has always been and always will be, his favourite album. "My favourite is Last Young Renegade," Geoff responded.

"I doubled down on a sinking ship..."

He looked at Geoff, confused; he must have spoken his mind at some point. "I've never met somebody who likes All Time Low, before." It was true, out of the thousands of people who seemed to adore them online, Awsten had never actually met somebody who appreciated the band.

"My ex-girlfriend hated them," he smiled. "I used to hide their records under my bed because I was scared she was going to break them." he laughed a little and continued to flick through his almost endless collection of music, pushing his long fringe to the side of his face.

Awsten figured out that he was gay when he turned fifteen, although, even now he refused to admit it to himself; the second he became comfortable with it was the second that he believed it. At seventeen, he forced himself to get a girlfriend to try to diffuse suspicion from his family, but when he found out she had been cheating on him he realised that his prediction was probably right, because he felt really relieved that they weren't together anymore.

"Holy shit, are you actually enjoying being here?" Geoff teased, Awsten realised he had been smiling at Geoff the whole time.

"Don't flatter yourself," Awsten scoffed. "believe me, I'm leaving the second after your mother does." he sounded stubborn, although his mind knew that he was having a better time here than being cramped up in his own home.

"Oh, trust me, I believe you." Geoff had a flirtatious smirk visible on his lips, "Seeing as though my mother left here... thirteen minutes ago." he said checking the time on his phone.

Awsten blushed slightly, "that's bullshit!" He turned on his own phone to reveal the time, two-thirteen. He focused his gaze back to the boy who was laughing at him, rolling his eyes before standing up and marching towards the bedroom door.

"Be careful not to trip on the way out, Knight."


	9. Summer

It must have rained slightly while Awsten was in Geoff's basement because the ground was damp and the air smelled like rain. The car ride home was slow, he was being cautious as he drove through puddles to not lose grip of the steering wheel.

In all honesty, Awsten knew that he shouldn't drive; he could see perfectly clear, but the lack of colour that his brain processed could put him in serious danger. He had to use the traffic to dictate his decisions, it was extremely difficult for him to be able to differentiate between a green light and a red light.

It was late autumn, the world slowing down as the months fell into winter, but as of right now, it felt like summer in Awsten's head. It felt like summer in his brain for the first time in months, All Time Low ringing through his memory, completed with a constant reminder of Geoff's damned smile.

Arriving back at his house, Awsten felt confident. He felt as though nothing could hurt him, like he had to courage to confront anyone who was willing to disagree with him. This feeling was foreign but it felt right, it felt as though this was a trait that had been trying to push its way out, like it belonged, but circumstances were trying to block its pathways.

He noticed that Gracie and his mother were home from church as he pushed open his front door. "I'm really disappointed in you, Awsten, because you never attend with us." his mother spat into his face, she sounded so evil.

"That's a lie, you were disappointed in me anyway," he smirked before walking up the staircase and into his bedroom, leaving the locks open.

He felt clean. Fresh, like a new person in a new skin. He wasn't sure exactly what event he had experienced that day had triggered him to feel this way, but once he did he would surely become addicted to it.

He connected his phone to his Bluetooth speaker and began to play Dirty Work. He had a CD player but no CD's, he assumed that everybody only listened to music digitally these days until he was proven wrong about an hour ago. He thought about maybe buying some later with the little money he had in his bank account, contemplating actually applying for a part-time job around town, too.

His music wasn't too loud as he began to tidy up his bedroom. Just about nothing was in its right place right now, except for his guitar, which was always in its case when it wasn't being used; the mess probably contributed to Awsten's sleep deprivation.

He began folding the clothing that was scattered across the floor when he came across the bags of food that he had thrown there earlier that day. He hadn't eaten in almost three days, so he decided to have a few snacks while he tidied up; mostly assorted nuts and dried fruit.

By the time he was able to see most of his floor again, four hours had passed and he had eaten two and a half bags of nuts, and Gracie was being called out to the dinner table. Awsten never ate with the family, but tonight he would.

He followed the routine he always did, closing his door behind him and creeping down the stairs, avoiding the weak and creaky pressure points on the old wooden staircase. His parents both seemed confused and annoyed that Awsten had decided to join the family, but Gracie gave him an excited smile.

Some days he felt like she hated him; other days, like today, he felt as though she was the only person in the world that cared about him, so he sat down at the table next to her.

Thankfully, Gracie had cut up a fresh garden salad as a side for the other dishes that were being served, so Awsten decided to have a small serving of that. He was already pretty full from the constant snacking he had just participated in, but he was aware that his body needed the nutrients and he wasn't sure when he would feel like looking after himself again.

"I spoke to Rachel Wigington today," Awsten's dad was glaring at him. This was the moment of truth, what did she tell him? "You're fucking lucky, kid."

He sighed with relief. He was fairly close to copping more bruises on his fragile figure today, and he wasn't really in the mood for it right now. "You were right, sir. My behaviour was poor."

He wanted to repair the part of their relationship that was about respect, the part of their relationship that made him want to keep adding locks to his bedroom door.

And his father smiled.

It looked genuine enough for Awsten to not feel completely worthless for once. Now Gracie was talking about the mark she received on a math test, bubbling, clearly proud of herself for getting the highest mark in the class. Awsten was proud of her, and he made sure she knew it, too.

After the meal was over, Awsten decided to take the initiative to wash the dishes, glancing back occasionally to the table to see his parents talking quietly amongst themselves, obviously about him. Gracie grabbed a plate and began to help Awsten wash up.

"You're in a good mood today." She smiled at him.

"So are you." He returned the expression. She was always in a good mood, she always felt how Awsten is feeling right now.

"I miss you, you know. You never do anything with us anymore."

He put the final dish in the drying rack and sighed. "I can't really help it, Gracie. Especially with mum and dad-" he mouthed 'dad', "I get really anxious."

She didn't look sorry for him, just sad, because she knew that his parents were way too hard and put too much pressure on him, all because he was the eldest child. "I love you."

"I love you, too."


	10. Serenade

"Awsten, there's a parcel for you?"

His mum sounded confused, he was, too. He turned the locks on the inside of his door before starting down the stairs, once again.

Ever since his good mood the other day, he's had an equivalent 'low'. No, not equivalent, this low mood seemed to drag on and on.

He had resorted back to staying in his bedroom, he had locked himself in there for the last four days. His bedroom was an ensuite, so he had a bathroom internally attached to it so he could still shower and refill his glass of water, to stay hydrated.

Hesitantly, he took the small package from his mothers hands before walking back up the staircase, turning his locks back into a locked position again. Saying that he hadn't left his bedroom at all over the last four days was a lie, he had gone into town once to buy an extra lock for his door, right after he had retrieved a few new bruises on his chest.

The box was square and flat, it couldn't have been any much bigger than 15 centimetres in both directions, probably about half an inch tall. There was no return address, so he had absolutely no idea who or where this was from, let alone what was in it.

Reluctantly, he began to peel off the thin clear tape that lined the edges, before taking the lid off of the small brown box.

It was a CD, it was Dirty Work.

"I thought that you would appreciate this more than I would, Knight." Followed by Geoff's phone number.

Awsten wasn't sure what was going on, but he quickly pulled out his phone and began to type the number into his contact list.

Awsten: hey its awsten

Geoff: No, it's Knight.

Awsten: haha thanks for the album but i dont like to owe people anything and i feel like i owe you something now

Geoff: Damn, I was really hoping for a new car.

Awsten: oh fuck off

Awsten immediately noted that Geoff typed with proper grammar and punctuation; he thought it was odd. He stared at the CD in his hands, it looked untouched. It only now occurred to him that he hadn't noticed any CD's in Geoff's bedroom, not that he was really paying attention to the room.

Awsten: wait I didn't know you had a cd collection

Geoff: I don't.

Geoff had gone out of his way to get him a new CD. This may have been the most generous thing anybody had done for him in years, it made his chest flutter slightly.

Awsten: thank you

Geoff: I'm still waiting for the car.

Awsten: i hope your patient then

Geoff: You're*

Awsten smiled and turned off his phone, immediately placing the disc into the old CD player that hadn't been used in years, he was shocked that it didn't need new batteries.

"I let it ride on a bad bet..."  
"I doubled down on a sinking ship..."

——————

Awsten opened his eyes. He didn't remember closing them in the first place, but it was the first time he had slept in days and he wasn't complaining. It took him a moment to adjust to the sound of Dirty Work still being projected on repeat from his CD player. That's when he remembered about Geoff.

He pulled himself off of his bed and over to his nearly dead phone, turning it on.

Geoff: Is Dirty Work really better than Last Young Renegade, though?

Awsten: absolutely  
Awsten: do not even bother arguing with me geoff

Geoff: Come over.

Come over. Geoff actually wanted to spend time with Awsten.

Awsten: why should i

Geoff: because I can't explain all of my reasons as to why LYR is the best All Time Low album over text.

He turned off his phone again to let his body wake up slightly, so he wouldn't have to go see Geoff whilst looking like the walking dead. He walked over to his window and opened his blinds to let a little bit of light in. That's when he realised there was no light

Awsten: fucking hell geoff  
Awsten: its 2 in the morning

Geoff: And?

Awsten: ill wake my parents if i try to leave  
Awsten: no fucking way

With constant nagging from Geoff, they compromised and agreed for Awsten to go over once his parents left for work and Gracie left for school. It felt like the hours dragged out, Awsten was actually looking forward to something, for once.

He managed to distract himself slightly on his laptop, going onto YouTube and getting caught up in an endless spiral of music videos. Sure, he'd seen all of them before, but that didn't stop him crying when the occasional My Chemical Romance video made its way into his recommended media.

Hours managed to pass before he heard the faint metronome of his sister's alarm clock ticking away, signalling that it was six already, meaning that the house was waking up.

He closed his laptop and curled into the mattress on his bed, warming his bones as he waited for his family to leave and start their day. He was almost nervous about leaving the comfort of his bedroom, he'd probably only spent no more than an hour of his entire life talking to Geoff, he didn't know him.

His train of thought carried Awsten across the hours until he heard the click of the front door and the engine of a car start. His family was leaving the house.

He bounded up from his warm bed, ripping open his cupboards and trying to find exactly what he was going to wear. Ripped black skinny jeans. He quickly pulled them on, he loved these jeans so much and it pained him that he could never wear them. Now, there was nobody to stop him.

He needed a hoodie. Not only was it freezing, but he needed something that would cover his small body, he wasn't comfortable with showing his arms to anyone, yet. He found a folded one and slipped it over his head, it was either yellow or orange, he couldn't tell.

With that, he picked up his keys from the spot where they always are, and began to walk out into his garage to where his car was, turning the key in the ignition and putting on his seatbelt. He had brought his copy of Dirty Work with him, gently pushing the disc into the slot beneath his car radio and waiting for it to get read.

"I let it ride on a bad bet..."  
"I doubled down on a sinking ship."


	11. Smoke

The pair were in Geoff living room. His family, too, were either at work or school, Geoff having finished school and his work shifts were scattered around based off of whenever he was needed.

"I like your hoodie." Awsten looked down at the clothing he was wearing.

"Thank you." It looked like all of his other hoodies, to him, at least. Some were darker than others but for the most part, they didn't really have individual traits.

Awsten was sitting on the floor against the wall while Geoff was sitting with his legs crossed on the couch, like a little kid. "I know nothing about you, Knight. Which also means you know nothing about me; unless you're like, a stalker or something."

"I know what your favourite All Time Low album is."

Geoff rolled his eyes. "Because I told you that. Or is it just because you know that Last Young Renegade is everyone's favourite?" He was teasing again, and Awsten ignored him.

Geoff slid off of his couch and walked over to the table, pulling a cigarette from the packet that was lazily laying there. He walked over to the window and opened it, placing the cigarette between his lips and cupping his hand around the end as he brought the flame from his lighter into contact with it.

"Are you an asthmatic, Knight?"

Awsten shook his head no. "Thanks for checking in with me after you lit the cigarette." Awsten smiled playfully over at Geoff, although he wasn't looking at him, his focus was out the open window. "Smoking can kill you," he began, pulling himself up off of the floor and walking over to the window where Geoff was stood, blowing out smoke. "I want to try it."

Geoff's gaze was the same soft as it always was, locking Awsten in. "Were those two statements supposed to be consecutive or separate?"

"I'll leave that for you to decide." Awsten gave Geoff a serious look, not breaking eye contact as he took the cigarette from his hand and took a drag.

He expected to choke on all the smoke that was drying out the lining of his lungs, he expected for his reflexes to vomit it back out as an attempt to cleanse him from the chemicals. But he didn't, maybe his body was used to getting destroyed all the time.

"Smoking can kill you," Geoff repeated Awsten's words back to him. "Tell me, Knight, why do you want to die?"

Awsten hesitated, he had no idea what to say. Maybe it was because he had too many reasons to compose into a sentence, maybe it was because saying his reasons aloud would make him sound pathetic, confirm his cowardice.

Maybe it was because he was scared that he would become attached to Geoff if he was open with him.

"I've already lived long enough." Truthfully, he was just bored with life. Bored because all the days blurred together and he was so sick of needing to look after himself. "Don't you ever get tired of it all?"

Awsten took another long drag from the cigarette that he was still holding, treasuring the burning down his throat. Geoff reached out to signal that he wanted it back, and Awsten complied; noticing that Geoff had a small tattoo of a safety pin on his wrist.

Awsten didn't get an answer, either. He just watched, mesmerised, as Geoff held the cigarette loosely between his perfectly white teeth. He took the stick of chemicals in between his fingers, suggesting he was about to speak. "So it has nothing to do with those bruises on your neck?"

They had faded significantly since the last time Geoff saw them, but they were still there; Awsten hadn't even considered covering them up, he had completely forgotten.

Change the subject. He was blushing, unsure of how to respond to the question he was still trying to interpret. "Remind me, why am I here again?"

Geoff was completely aware that Awsten was changing the subject, he wasn't very good at it; he hadn't interacted with another person in a very long time. "To argue about All Time Low, although, I'd much rather just listen to them." He stubbed out his cigarette onto the window sill before closing it and walked to the kitchen bin to throw out what was left of the cigarette.

"I'm trying to kill myself, not the birds," Geoff concluded when he noticed Awsten's confusion as to why he didn't just throw the cigarette butt out of the window. He signalled for Awsten to follow him into the basement and back into his bedroom.

Geoff closed his door behind them even though nobody else was home, before going to retrieve the album he was planning on listening to.

"Just a couple kids on a summer street"  
"Chasing around to a flicker beat"

Awsten knew this was going to happen. "Contrary to your beliefs, I actually like this album."

"I know."

He sat on Geoff's queen-sized bed, subconsciously fiddling with his thin fingers as he watched the boy loosely mouth the words to the song. "What's up with the safety pin?"

"What?"

"On your wrist. You have a tattoo."

"Do I? I didn't notice." He rolled his eyes. "Is it weird if it means something to me?"

"Depends." Awsten didn't think it was weird. He wanted to know what was going on in Geoff's head, it seemed to be a paradise. He didn't push on the question anymore because he knew he wasn't going to get a straight answer; Geoff was much better at avoiding questions than he was.

The older of the pair came and lay down on his bed, looking at the ceiling, so Awsten did the same, right next to him. "I get anxiety attacks. To the point I fear for my life. I don't know why, but opening and closing a safety pin helps me calm down."

He wasn't even sure what to say, he'd probably fuck up somehow and offend him. It took him a minute to submerge himself into Geoff's soft voice, analysing what he had just told him. Something personal.

Geoff pulled a safety pin out of his pocket and handed it over to Awsten. "I always carry one on me."

Awsten popped the pin open and then closed again, open and then closed. Don't say it.

"The bruises are from my dad."


	12. Suffer

Awsten wasn't sure why he had just opened up to someone who was as close as a stranger to him. Maybe this is why he avoided making friends, he was so desperate for validation that he fed off their reactions.

Open and closed, open and closed.

"He hurt you?" Awsten could identify the genuine worry in Geoff's voice, oddly enough, it comforted him.

"I deserved it."

The first time Awsten had ever been physically hurt by his father was the day of his sixteenth birthday. The man was blindly drunk and was annoyed that Awsten didn't want to try any alcohol, not even a sip. He tried to use excuses like "it's not legal" or "it will taste bad", but truthfully, he was scared because of how his father got when he was intoxicated; he never wanted to turn out acting like that.

He ended up getting a beer bottle smashed over his head that night, it left him with a concussion for over a day; and the worst part was waiting for an apology and never getting one.

"Don't say that."

"But I did." And I kept pushing, acting up, because I really just liked the feeling of him trying to kill me.

Geoff wasn't laying next to Awsten anymore, he was pacing around the bedroom playing with the silver ring on his finger. Awsten was still sitting on Geoff's bed, but he was sitting up now, anxiously watching the boy pace around.

"You need to calm down, it's not a big deal, honestly."

"Not a big deal? Are you fucking kidding me? You need to report this to someone!" Awsten noticed that Geoff wasn't fiddling around with his ring, he was popping a safety pin. "How do you expect me to let you go home to him, huh?"

"My dad gets off work early today, as long as I'm home before him at two and don't piss him off, then I'm fine."

"Awsten..." This was the first time he'd heard him say his name. Awsten was unsure of what was going on until he followed Geoff's gaze to the clock that was mounted on his wall.

"Fuck." It was already quarter to two, and it was about a thirty-minute drive back to his house, going over the speed limit included. The one thing he promised himself that he would do was get back on time so nobody knew he had left the house, but he couldn't even get that right. "Shit. I really have to go." He began to get off Geoff's bed and hurry out the door.

"Hey." He felt a firm grip on his wrist as he tried to leave the bedroom. "If he fucking touches you, call me and I'll come get you, okay?"

"I will."

——————

He stumbled up to his doorstep, shaking uncontrollably at the sight of his father's car in the driveway. He hesitated for an awfully long time before deciding that eventually, he was going to have to go inside, and it may as well be now.

"Where the fuck have you been?"

"I-I wasn't..." he trailed off, stumbling over his words as he watched his father stand from where he was sat and walk up to the fragile boy.

"Do not stutter. Where have you been?"

"Out." He was struck with a familiar sting to his cheek. He had barely even made it inside of his house, and he had already been hit.

"You are not to leave this property without my permission, understood? Especially not looking like that." Awsten already knew that he was talking about his ripped jeans, he wasn't allowed to wear them because of religious beliefs within the family.

"I'm nineteen, can't I have any fucking freedom?" He pushed his dad hard in the chest as an attempt to get him away, he was sick of being a coward, he was sick of the constant fear that lived in his head.

The man's fingers rapidly snaked back around Awsten's neck to the same place they had before, the pressure on the bruising that remained became excruciating.

He began to thrash around behind his father's grip, his vision began to blur and his arms got weaker, but he managed the throw a punch at the figure's mouth that allowed him a moment to breathe as the grip on his neck loosened. I don't want to die.

Geoff wouldn't want me to die.

In the second that he allocated himself a moment to think about fearing for his life instead of being alert to the situation that was unfolding, he had been dropped to the floor and taking a hard blow to his fragile stomach from his father's boot.

He tensed and curled in on himself as he anticipated another kick in his side, but it never came. He daringly brought his eyes up to the place where his dad was standing, staring down at him. A few moments after catching his breath, Awsten shakily managed to stand up again and hold himself upright on his weak legs. "D-don't fucking t-touch me again-n."

The adrenaline that had been shot up in his veins managed to carry him up the staircase without causing him to collapse, by some miracle.

Up the stairs. Avoid the squeaky boards. Close the door behind you. Click, click, click.

Awsten noticed that the first lock he ever put on his door was beginning to fall out of place, he made a mental note to get a new one.

As he came into his room he caught a glimpse of his face in the small circular mirror that he had mounted to the inside of his wall, noticing the tear tracks on his face; he didn't remember how they got there. His face was swollen and Awsten paid attention to all of the dark patches that were scattered on his face, meaning that he was probably going red.

With that, he collapsed in a shaking heap on his scratchy carpet, the burning from his tears leaving a satisfying tingling sensation on his cheeks and down his neck.

Call me and I'll come get you.


	13. Singe

He stared at his phone. Geoff's phone number was displayed on the screen in his contacts, it had been for almost an hour.

The rest of the family was home, now, he could still hear his dad going off about Awsten leaving the house during the day when he knew that he wasn't allowed to. He could still hear the sobs that were escaping with each of his tiny breaths.

He had been fighting with himself for the hour that he'd been in his room, should I call him? The obvious answer would be yes, as Awsten was still laying, terrified, on the floor of his bedroom; knowing that the fresh cuts and bruises that littered his frame probably weren't going to be the last ones he got today.

He turned off his phone, completely powering it down so he could detach himself from the world for a while, so he wouldn't be tempted to make the phone call.

The last thing he wanted was for Geoff to get involved, the last thing he wanted was for him to get hurt or have his dad think that Awsten had been 'messing around' with some pretty boy.

Besides that, Geoff was just being polite when he told Awsten to call him. The blonde boy was just fragile, although Geoff probably didn't actually want to get dragged into this.

He stood up off of his floor, trembling slightly, as he tried to regain his balance and get feeling back in his left side in which he had been laying on; the least painful part of his torso, currently.

He managed to make his way over to the bathroom that was connected to his bedroom and start up his shower, making it colder than he usually would. He began to take off his clothing, carefully peeling his shirt off as it was glued to him with dried blood; his blood.

When the cold water hit Awsten, shivers were sent down his body and he was hit with an idea, something that he realised he was craving. He quickly turned off the cold knob completely and opened the flow of hot water onto his body. He let his skin burn under the water for some time, maybe it was ten seconds, maybe a minute; he was too focused on the pain that was spilling over his body to pay any attention, leaking into every cut before his reflexes forced him to turn off the water.

He sat in the bottom of his shower, almost laughing, destroying the only body he would ever have was so much fun. Hopefully, he wouldn't have to live with it for much longer.

His skin still burned as he stood to dry his frame, walking back into his bedroom to put on some fresh clothes. He noticed the streaks of dark that had soaked into his towel, realising that his wounds had opened again at some point in the last few minutes. He didn't want to leave his bedroom to go get bandages so he just put on a T-shirt and hoodie to hopefully soak up and cover all of the blood.

He crashed down on his bed and curled into himself, he doubted that he would get any more sleep since he had gotten rest the night before, but slowly and surely, he dozed into a light sleep.

"Open this fucking door!" The pounding on Awsten's door was so constant that he barely ever paid any attention to it. He wished his father would stop, because one day he was going to break it down and blame it on Awsten for having it locked, and then he would get hit again.

He wasn't sure long how long it had been since he had laid down on his bed, but it was dark outside his window, now.

Hesitantly, he got up off of his bed, slipping his phone into his back pocket off of his bedside table and began to open the locks on his door, he wanted to seem tough even though he couldn't cover up the trembling that had already started at his legs.

The door was being pushed into him before he had time to step away once the third lock had been unlatched, leaving him in front of the man who was twice as strong as him, and much taller.

He was hit into the wall with a loud crash, things were falling off shelves as he felt punches being thrown at his cheek over and over again. That's when he began to smell the liquor that poisoned his father's breath; he was awfully drunk.

"Gracie!" Awsten gasped, his father never hit him in front of his sister, although she didn't come. She was out with Sarah.

He took each hit until he was on the floor again, his wounds being ripped open as the same boot as before hit him in his side. This time he felt himself start crying again because his salty tears stung the opening in his skin, tears diluting the blood and running with it down his face.

He didn't intend to, but he let out a muffled "why?" In between sobs. He didn't think his dad had heard it until he heard the light chuckles escaping from the man, who began to crouch down next to his bleeding son. "B-because I f-fucking want to."

His father was slurring his words together which gave Awsten a pretty clear indication as to how intoxicated he was. He used the wall to pull himself up to try to prevent his knees from buckling, and began to shakily stumble out of his door and down the staircase, shocked that he wasn't stopped by his father.

When he made it down the bottom of the stairs, he realised that his arm was wet from the blood that was soaking through the thick material of his hoodie. He felt sick, dizzy, like he was either going to vomit or pass out; and his mother was just staring at him in shock.

She was on the couch in the living room watching the television with a glass of wine, and she already seemed to know what had happened to her son. "Don't come looking for me." He told her hoarsely, his throat hurt; and he stumbled back out of the front door of his house.


	14. Shelter

There was no way that Awsten could drive in the condition he was in now.

Nobody seemed to be outside as he stumbled down the sidewalk of his quiet neighbourhood, crying softly. He trembled as he tried to pull his phone out of his back pocket and power it up again.

It was nearly dead; Awsten managed to make out that it was just after three in the morning, although, his shaky hands and tears caking his eyes made the screen fuzzy and hard to see. He sloppily opened his contact list. Geoff, Geoff, Geoff.

It was early in the morning, so he was probably asleep, although Awsten really needed him right now. He found Geoff's name in his contact list before quickly tapping his screen over the call button, bringing the phone up to his ear and hearing it begin to ring.

"Knight?" Geoff's voice was soft, like always, he didn't sound like he was tired so Awsten probably hadn't woken him. "Oh my god, what's wrong?"

He must have picked up on Awsten's light sobs through the receiver. "I-I need you."

He managed to stutter out the name of the street he was on once Geoff told him he was going to come and get him. Immediately, he collapsed onto the sidewalk and brought his knees up to his chest, burying his face into them and muffling his sobs in the material of his jeans.

Only thirty minutes.

Awsten was used to being patient, but he just wanted Geoff to come and get him, hold him, protect him.

The night air was cold as it brushed across the wet patches in his blood-soaked clothes, he didn't even think to take extra clothing so he would be stuck in this until he was comfortable to go home again, or Geoff kicked him out.

He kept turning on his phone to watch the minutes tick over, getting more impatient as each one went by. Twenty seven minutes. That's how long it took until Awsten felt a rush of relief wash over him when he saw Geoff's car pull onto the side of the road in front of him. It seemed like an awfully quick amount of time, although there was minimal traffic at this hour.

"Holy fuck."

Awsten felt Geoff's hand gently wrap around his fragile body as he got lifted off of the ground. The contact made his skin burn, although significantly less as compared to if he had gotten up himself. Awsten felt himself being carried into the back of Geoff's car, laying down across the spread of the seats before the door closed behind him and he heard Geoff get back behind the steering wheel.

Neither of the pair spoke for the first half of the drive back to Geoff's house; Awsten had exhausted his brain too much to speak and Geoff didn't want to go walking on unsteady ground.

"My parents are home..." Awsten was still lightly crying to himself as Geoff spoke, not because of the pain, more from the trauma. "They're asleep, but if they find you... they'll definitely tell your parents where you are."

Awsten immediately let a sob escape his lips, he just wanted to break down even more. He craved some sort of touch, some sort of affection that he could fall into and feel okay again. "I d-don't have anywh-where else t-to go-o"

Geoff kept glancing at him in his rearview mirror, Awsten could tell that he was upset, as well. "I know you don't, Aws. You can stay with me as long as you need, we're just going to have to keep you hidden." Awsten was looking at Geoff gratefully. "I'll keep you safe."

The words made Awsten melt. He believed them, Geoff sounded sincere. "You don't h-have to.." He didn't want to become too much of a burden, especially because Geoff was the only person who he could consider a friend right now. He was already getting attached.

"I want to."

The drive to Geoff's house seemed to end quicker than Awsten expected, he watched as the brunette got out of the car and around to the door next to Awsten's head. He tried to sit up but his body seemed to collapse again.

"Hey, don't do that." He guessed that Geoff was talking about trying to get up; he felt his arms scoop him up and out of the car, carrying him bridal-style up to the doorstep and into the quiet house.

It was dark inside but Awsten shut his eyes anyway, letting Geoff carry him down the stairs and into his bedroom in the basement, feeling himself relax as he was gently placed on the bed. He peeled his eyes open gently to see a soft gaze wash over him.

"I'm going to go get something to get you cleaned up."

Awsten quickly shook his head no, he didn't want to have his cuts cleaned, the sting that came with it wasn't the kind of pain that Awsten liked. "Please, don't." He felt himself tear up more, like a little kid.

Geoff just gently rested his hand on Awsten's leg and sighed, before leaving the bedroom and disappearing back up the stairs. Awsten was able to calm himself down a bit more once he reminded himself that Geoff didn't want to hurt him, he was looking after him.

When he returned he was holding a bowl of warm water with some wet rags and antiseptic. Awsten got nervous, but he was willing to comply with Geoff.

"You have to promise me you'll keep quiet, okay?" Awsten nodded in response, he would try his best; the cuts were deep and messy, so he knew this was going to hurt pretty bad.

Awsten tried to sit up, Geoff gave him the needed assistance so he was able to lean against the wall while sitting on the bed, that way he didn't have to try too hard to keep himself upright.

"Can I?" Awsten felt Geoff tugging lightly at the bottom of his hoodie, signalling he needed to take it off. He nodded again, he couldn't bring himself to speak.

Geoff carefully helped Awsten take his hoodie off, followed by his blood-soaked T-shirt. The change in temperature sent shivers across his skin, and he watched Geoff pull one of the wet rags from the bowl of warm water.

He instinctively flinched and inhaled sharply as the water and rag came into contact with an open wound on the side of his stomach, firmly grabbing Geoff's wrist as an attempt to fight him off, it didn't work; Geoff was much stronger.

The water soaked into his skin and Awsten felt himself begin to relax as the warm water began to soothe the cut. He felt the pressure on his cut be released as Geoff washed the rag in the bowl in an attempt to get some of the blood off and get some of the moisture back into the material before it came back into contact with a different cut.

Another sharp inhale, but this one didn't hurt as bad. Geoff followed the same routine with all of the other tears in the blonde boy's skin, while Awsten just tried to keep control of his breathing and not make any sound.

He watched as Geoff slowly opened the bottle of antiseptic and began to soak a clean rag with it.

This was going to hurt.


	15. Sting

Geoff gave Awsten a reassuring look. He wasn't being pathetic, he knew it, he could tell by the way that Geoff was looking him and confirming that it was okay.

He was extremely alert as his eyes trailed the rag in Geoff's hand, looking into his eyes with a pleading glare.

"I have to, or it will get infected, and then you will end up having to explain to medical professionals how you got hurt in the first place." He was right, this was the most pleasant possibility in this situation.

Geoff moved from crouching on the floor onto his bed next to the trembling boy. He used his free hand to take Awsten's, giving him something to grip.

"Three, two..."

Awsten nearly screamed as the rag came into contact with the large cut on his side. He was gripping Geoff's hand so tightly that he felt like his own was going to break, and he immediately shoved his face into Geoff's shoulder to muffle the quick sobs that were escaping from his lips.

He'd only ever had to use antiseptic to clean small wounds, each time they had stopped stinging as soon as they started. Not this time. It kept stinging as the liquid explored every area of the cut, Awsten grinding his teeth in pain and breathing rapidly.

Geoff took the rag back off of the cut again, the air mixing with the drying out blood caused a secondary wave of pain. When he pulled his face away from Geoff's shirt he could see that the cut was frothing, but surprisingly, it was beginning to hurt less.

"You're doing good, okay?" Awsten nodded, he was in too much shock to get any words out. His breathing was slowing down and his grip on Geoff's hand had loosened significantly. "We have to do that again."

He had nearly forgotten that he had other gashes embedded in his skin. He took a moment to breathe as he watched Geoff open the bottle of antiseptic and prepare the rag again.

"Three, two..."

He thrashed around for a moment, bringing the back of his hand up to his mouth to stifle any noise after he let a small whimper escape. He could feel the tears coming down heavily and the grip of his hand return to how it was the first time.

They were the two biggest openings in his skin, the others weren't so severe. Geoff only cleaned half of the other cuts that were left, the minor ones had already been cleaned with water and he didn't want to put Awsten through any unnecessary pain.

Awsten was concentrating on keeping control of his breathing as he watched the older bunch together the rags that were coated in blood. "I'll be right back." He watched as Geoff left the bedroom with all of the things he entered with the first time.

He began to shiver from his skin being exposed to the air. That's when he realised, Geoff had seen his arms. He'd also seen his stomach which was extremely thin, his ribs could be seen poking through, Geoff had probably lost any respect that he had for Awsten.

His blood-soaked hoodie was laying sloppily on the floor. It was just out of Awsten's reach and he trembled as he shuffled towards it, managing to grab it and trying to pull it over his head. He didn't give a fuck that it was caked in blood, he needed it; partially because it was cold, but mostly because he didn't want Geoff to see his unattractive body again.

"No, don't put that back on." Geoff had entered the room again and tugged the hoodie away from Awsten's grip, who was now cradling himself in an attempt to cover up as much of his body as he could. Geoff opened one of the drawers of his wardrobe and took out one of his own sweaters, taking it back to Awsten and helping him pull it on.

He couldn't make eye contact with Geoff; he was so embarrassed and insecure that he wasn't even comfortable here anymore. The sweater was much too big on him, but it smelled like Geoff and it calmed him down as he sat under the bundle of material.

"You should get some sleep."

"So should you." Awsten's voice was small and croaky from exhaustion. "I already slept, anyway."

"I don't care, you need it. Look at you, you're a mess."

"Thanks."

He moved the sheets and draped them over the fragile blonde. Geoff had a glass of water already sat on the bedside table for him, and he began to feel tired as he curled into the blankets that had just been placed on top of him. "I'll take the floor."

"What?" Awsten didn't understand why Geoff didn't just get in the same bed as him, it was plenty big enough.

Maybe Geoff knew that Awsten was gay and didn't want to share the bed.

"No, I-" he didn't really know what to say. "If one of us is staying on the floor, then it will be me."

"I'm not going to let you sleep on my floor. It's fine, really, Aws."

"Either it's me on the floor, or you get in this damn bed with me."

He knew that if he let Geoff sleep on the floor of the bedroom then he wouldn't be able to get to sleep due to guilt, he didn't want to be an inconvenience and Geoff had already done enough for him.

He was waiting for Geoff to help him onto the floor, but instead, Awsten heard him sigh and felt him get into the bed next to him, flicking off the light on the table next to the bed.

He smiled to himself, he was facing the wall with his back to Geoff so he wouldn't be able to tell that he was smiling, even though it was pitch-black in the room.

He was super aware of the presence in the bed with him, being extra cautious not to move in case he disturbed the older boy.

Once his anxiety calmed down and his muscles began to relax, he felt himself shuffle slightly to get into a more comfortable position, unintentionally moving close to Geoff in the process.

He felt a light weight of an arm drape across his hip and wrap around his small waist.

SoftSoftSoft.


	16. Soft

He woke in panic when he couldn't identify where he was. It took him a few seconds to figure out that he was in Geoff's room, and the memories from the previous night began tumbling through his head.

The hitting. The blood. The burning shower.

Geoff coming to get him. Having his wounds cleaned. The arm around his waist.

Awsten noticed that the space in the bed next to him was vacant. He looked over at the clock and saw that it was nine in the morning, who knows where Geoff was. He managed to sit up in the bed, bracing for a heavy amount of pain but not feeling too much. He gently pulled up his sweater, Geoff's sweater, and noticed that his cuts had healed significantly overnight.

He took a sip of water and dangled his legs off the edge of the bed, blinking to try and wake up properly. Geoff's room was still dark as it was in the basement and there were no windows; but strawberry candles were lit around the room that produced a dim illumination, the same strawberry scent that Awsten had associated with Geoff.

He brushed his fingers lazily through his hair to try and tame the strands that were straying, when he heard a soft knock on Geoff's bedroom door.

Awsten's chest sunk a little, someone was about to figure out that he was here.

He watched as the handle of the door turned and Geoff entered the room, flashing an uneven smile that made Awsten feel relieved, he couldn't help but smile back.

He picked up a nearby pillow and threw it hard at the boy who had just walked in. "I thought you were going to be someone else, you dick!" He yelled quietly, not wanting to alert the rest of Geoff's household of his being there.

Geoff couldn't help but laugh a little at the boy's tantrum. His hair was wet, telling Awsten that he'd probably just been out of his room to have a shower. Awsten curled himself into Geoff's sweater more, he was swimming in the material as it appeared to swallow him. "How are you feeling?"

He couldn't quite figure out what Geoff was asking. Did he mean physically, or mentally? Maybe it was just a polite gesture to make some sort of small talk. "I'm okay."

Awsten laughed softly at the unimpressed look he was getting from the older boy.

"I'm sore; and scared, if I'm being completely honest with you."

"Scared of what?" Awsten felt himself relax when Geoff came and sat next to him, it was the familiar look of genuine worry that made Awsten open up all of the time. "He can't hurt you here, Aws."

All he could do was nod. He knew that his fear was probably irrational, but that didn't stop him from existing in a constant state of worry. Geoff probably already thought that he was pathetic, he was upset all of the time, which gave him more of a reason to fight off the tears that were starting to cloud his vision.

But they immediately fell when he collapsed into Geoff's chest, he hadn't meant to lose control of his body but he had gotten too caught up in the scenarios that wouldn't stop running through his head. He somehow ended up in Geoff's lap and curled into his chest, partly because he could no longer hold himself upright, and partly because Geoff had pulled him into a light embrace.

Awsten felt safe in his arms. He felt safe as the grip around him tightened, he felt safe as he focused on the sound of Geoff's voice whispering softly to try to calm him down. "I-I don't-t want hi-him to hurt-t m-me anymore." He managed to get out between sobs.

"I know you don't..." Geoff's voice was so soft, it was always soft, it made Awsten feel soft. He naturally curled into Geoff more as he felt protected. "I won't let him hurt you, anymore."

He was aware that this was out of their control, Geoff was aware as well; but hearing this being said aloud made Awsten want to believe it for just a little while, just pretend that everything would be okay. "Thank you."

Geoff just chuckled lightly to himself, but immediately stopped as he remembered something. "Work called me in, I'll have to leave for my shift in twenty minutes..."

Awsten sniffled as he pulled away from Geoff and looked into his icy blue eyes; his soft eyes, before pulling himself off of Geoff again and burying his face gently into his own hands as he sat back down on the edge of the mattress. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be." Geoff stood up off of the bed and ruffled a hand through Awsten's already messy bleach-blonde hair, his natural dark roots were showing greatly. "Let me get you something to eat."

Awsten was about to protest before Geoff had already closed the door on his way out, he wasn't comfortable with eating around him, yet; but he was really hungry anyway.

Geoff returned with a plate of cut apples and strawberries, and a packet of red and yellow Twizzlers. "Gracie told me they were your favourite." Gracie.

"She's here? Does she know I'm here?" He got a small nod in response, he wasn't sure which question Geoff was responding to, if not both.

"She was freaking out, your parents told her that you had 'run away' in the middle of the night. I pulled her aside and... I just let her know that you were okay." Awsten looked at Geoff, worried. He had gotten a pretty solid explanation, but he sat as if he was waiting for an elaboration. "She knows that you came here and that you're still in my room. She promised to keep quiet, promised to keep acting worried."

That sounded like Gracie. She put a lot of trust in Awsten, most of the time, at least; she trusted him enough that if he wanted to hide from his parents, she would help him.

He watched as the older boy placed the plate of fruit and the Twizzlers on the bedside table near Awsten. He hesitated before quickly picking up an apple slice and biting down on it. "I can cancel my shift if you want me to stay with you. The only problem is that I'd have to find an excuse to tell my parents and-"

"Go," Awsten said convincingly once he had swallowed his bite of apple, cutting the end of Geoff's sentence off. "I'll be okay." He wasn't sure if he would, he really wanted Geoff to be here with him, although he didn't want to become a distraction and restrict the brunette from the more important things.

Geoff smiled gratefully and nodded. "Try to keep hidden," he began reassuringly, and Awsten watched as he left the large bedroom.


	17. Solitary

The absence of Geoff immediately made Awsten feel lonely again. He was eating the fruit that Geoff had brought him sickeningly fast, he wasn't really sure when the last time he had eaten was.

He sucked on the Twizzlers, making the taste last. Awsten felt unclean, he desperately wanted to use the bathroom and wash his face; he contemplated whether it would be too risky to skip over through the door on the opposite side of the hallway. Geoff's bedroom and the main bathroom were the only two rooms on the basement floor, meaning that nobody really came down here. It was definitely way too risky, but he decided to do it, anyway.

he slipped into the bathroom and gently opened the faucet, it was barely running but he didn't want it to interfere with the main water pressure, and he began to wash his face. It didn't really take him too long before he had cleaned himself up and had successfully made it back into the bedroom.

He didn't want to take Geoff's sweater off. it was soft, like him, and it smelled like strawberries, also like him. There wasn't really enough room in Awsten's mind left for lies; he was crushing hard on Geoff. He was usually the kind of person to over-analyse people for large amounts of time before he even considered romantic feelings, but there was something about the boy that kept drawing Awsten back in.

Maybe it was the ability to see the blue that resided in his eyes. Maybe it was his voice that made Awsten feel soft all of the time, or the way that he was so stubborn when it came to his opinion on music, or the way he never failed to text with perfect punctuation. Maybe it was the way that Geoff had held Awsten earlier when he was upset, or the way that he cared for the delicate boy when he had needed it.

Awsten sighed softly as he was perched on the edge of the bed, again. He wasn't really sure what to do as he couldn't be making any noise; he also wanted to be careful not interfere with Geoff's bedroom as much as possible, it was his personal space and Awsten wanted to respect that.

It was Saturday, it had been a week since Awsten had come to this house for the first time, never wanting to come back; now, it was a place of comfort. No, the house wasn't, it was Geoff's bedroom that Awsten had fallen in love with. It was the cracking white paint and band posters that concealed it, the candles that Awsten had assumed to be red that were scattered, lit, across the space of the room.

Geoff had mentioned to Awsten that he would be home a little bit before half-past two, it seemed like forever away. Awsten remembered that his phone had died before getting up and plugging it into Geoff's charger cable by his desk. He lazily looked over the books that sat on his bookshelf before pulling out a small book with a plain cover; he wasn't fond of reading very much but it was a good way to kill time.

Geoff seemed pretty punk-rock. He also seemed like a proper nerd, and Awsten didn't think those two traits would work together very well. They worked well on Geoff, though.

He flicked through the pages for a while, it was a poetry book, some were small and others covered the spread of multiple pages, but Awsten liked the poems. He heard a light tap on Geoff's door. It was a knock he'd heard many times before, it was Gracie. She pushed open the door and immediately smiled when she saw Awsten laying on Geoff's bed in skinny jeans and a large sweater, reading poetry; she almost ran over to the bed and swallowed him in a hug.

He laughed but instinctively flinched roughly as she accidentally put pressure on one of the bruises that littered his body, she didn't know that it was there. "Are you okay?"

He trusted her, she deserved to know the kind of people that they lived with, even though she had some sort of an idea. He gently lifted the hem on Geoff's sweater to reveal the blemishes that coated his skin, and he heard her gasp. "Did I mention that dad likes to use me as his personal punching bag?" He chuckled to make light of the conversation. She hugged him quickly again, partially to comfort him but mainly to comfort her, as well as hide her eyes that had instinctively begun to water, being extra careful not to touch any of his bruises; they sat there together for a short while in silence, it was nice. "I just need to stay here for a little while longer, okay?"

She nodded in response, pulling herself away from Awsten, nearly crying. "I told Sarah I was just using the bathroom, I have to go." Awsten nodded and smiled reassuringly. "And I'm heading back home soon, it's going to be hard to pretend like I know nothing while I'm around him."

"Just don't bash his face in."

"I'll try not to."

He watched as his sister left the bedroom, closing the door back behind her again, and he returned to reading over the poems in the book that were littered with long words.

He stayed there reading for longer than he had planned to, he realised this when he refocused on the world and could hear the soft voice upstairs; Geoff was home, already.

He immediately got up to put the book back on its shelf, he felt his body drown in a wave of excitement, he hadn't realised how badly he had wanted to see him again; he was starting to get clingy.

He sat and stared at the door handle. He waited anxiously until he saw it turn, Geoff walking in, smiling. Awsten smiled back. He was holding another CD, Last Young Renegade.

Geoff placed the CD in Awsten's hand, "I got this from work, I want you to have it." This was when Awsten realised he had no idea where he was employed. "Just the local record store," Geoff concluded in answer to the question Awsten must have asked.

"Thank you." He placed the CD down, turning back to the boy who had just come in. "You're not going to change my opinion, though."

"I can try."


	18. Saturday

Geoff had been upstairs arguing with his parents for over half an hour. What about? He couldn't be sure, but Awsten didn't think it was anything serious.

When the older boy finally returned to the room, he was grinning widely at the blonde. Awsten gave him a puzzled look before he responded to it, "we have the house to ourselves, tonight."

He was grateful for this. It meant that he may actually be able to leave the room and see the sun again, even though the candlelight was nice, it wasn't the same.

"My parents are taking my sister to some festival in town. DJ's and shit. I managed to convince them to let me stay here; that's why you heard me abusing them upstairs." Geoff had been smiling until he realised he probably shouldn't have made a joke about abuse, although Awsten laughed, which reassured him.

"Does that mean I'll finally be able to take a shower?" Awsten wasn't sure how long it would be before he would be able to freely leave the room he was cooped up in again, he wasn't going to waste this opportunity.

"Yes, Knight, it does."

"You're still really persisting with the whole 'Knight' thing, huh?" He laughed, the only time Geoff had called him by his first name was when Awsten was upset and he was worried about him; it gave the younger boy a clear indication as to how Geoff was feeling in the moment.

Geoff nodded and smirked. "You're going to have to try harder if you want to move to a first name basis."

"I'll figure out a way."

Geoff began to sort through his vinyls which he had been meaning to do while Awsten wandered around the room, they were going to have to keep themselves entertained for the next few hours until Geoff's family left the house. Gracie had already gone back home, as Geoff told him; although she would probably come back tomorrow. "Do you play?"

"Hm?" Awsten had been looking at Geoff's guitar and hadn't even been really paying attention. "Oh, no, not really."

Geoff didn't believe him but he dropped it, there was no point in pushing Awsten into doing something he didn't want to; he was trying to make him as comfortable as possible.

"Why do you want to spend your Saturday night with me, anyway? You're twenty-one. Why don't you go out, like, drinking or something that proper fucking adults do?" Awsten was smiling playfully, the thought of Geoff choosing to stay here with him made him feel warm.

"I don't really... drink. Or socialise, I avoid doing that, too."

"You're socialising now, technically."

"But, I actually like you." This made him scream on the inside. It was evident that Geoff didn't mean this in the way Awsten would have liked, based off of his tone; but it was a good enough start to make him feel genuinely happy.

"I like you, too."

They managed to talk about whatever came to mind as they found little ways to entertain themselves, Awsten talked about the poetry book and Geoff explained the meanings behind his favourite ones. He guessed that the older boy read a lot of poetry, only because almost everything Geoff said sounded poetic in his mind.

"We're going, Geoff! Don't let anyone over." They heard his mother yell from above the staircase.

"Okay!" He yelled back, the two boys exchanged a worried glance, please don't come down here, although they sighed with relief when they heard the faint sound of the front door closing and a car engine start up.

Geoff dramatically opened the door and gestured out, "you're free to leave, Knight." To which Awsten could only laugh in response, leaving the bedroom carefree for the first time in fifteen hours.

The first thing Awsten did was enter the bathroom, "I'm having that shower I was talking about," before Geoff gave him a clean towel and shut the bathroom door, leaving some of his own clothes on the counter because Awsten didn't have any.

He stripped out of his jeans and Geoff's sweater that he had fallen asleep in and had been wearing all day, looking at himself in the mirror. He hated his body. The way you could see his bones and joints through his skin was disgusting, and the bruises... they just really complimented his sickening frame.

The flow of water felt nice against his skin, the soap tingled as he began to feel clean again; clean of sweat and any blood that still stained his skin. he shut off the taps, wrapping himself in the soft towel before pulling on the clothes that Geoff had left for him. everything was much too big on him but he loved it, he felt comfortable under the sea of fabric and it warmed him; protected him from the cold weather.

He finally left the bathroom he returned to Geoff's bedroom to hang his wet towel over a chair, that way there would be no suspicion as to why there was an extra towel laying around. He wasn't in there, though, which caused Awsten to go up the staircase to try and find him.

The afternoon sun flowed through the windows, Awsten missed it a lot; he had gone for days in his own bedroom with his blinds closed to block out the sun, but it was different when he didn't have the choice.

He heard the boy in a small room detached from the main living space, and he entered to find Geoff soaking the blood out of his clothes from the previous night. "You don't have to do that."

He felt bad that Geoff was here cleaning his blood out of the fabric, he didn't want to be any more of a problem than he already had been. "It's all good, Knight, I want to."

He smiled back, gratefully. He was thankful that Geoff was patient and willing to look after him, he'd never experienced somebody do this for him, before.

"Let's get your pale skin into the sun, okay?"


	19. Sunset

The pair were laying close to each other on the grass in Geoff's backyard, staring up at the evening sky. The sun was setting, and the way that the rays of light from the sun were refracting through Awsten's eyes was gorgeous.

"The colours are pretty."

It has never really occurred to Awsten that Geoff wouldn't just know that he was colourblind, and he'd never actually gotten around to telling him. "I've never seen them..."

"What do you mean?"

He'd never really had to explain his colourblindness to anyone before, seeing as though the majority of people he knew had been in his life since he was born. "I guess- I mean I'm colourblind... like, bad. I can only see blue... I guess its why I like your eyes so much." He spoke quickly and stumbled over his sentences, he wasn't sure why he was so nervous; he was just worried that maybe Geoff would think that his lack of ability to see colour was a bad thing.

He rolled his head to the side to make eye contact with the older boy, who was smiling softly at him. "I never knew that... I guess its kind of cute."

Awsten could feel a warm rush of blood rise in his cheeks, he didn't mind though; and he refocused his gaze to the sky, away from Geoff's blue eyes that he had been falling for. "What colour is the sky?"

"It's pink, mostly. I guess it's... it's a little bit purple and orange, but mainly pink."

"Can you describe it to me... pink?"

Geoff hesitated for a small moment, how would you even describe a colour to somebody who couldn't see it? "Well, pink is soft. It's sort of... it reminds me of spring, when all of the flowers are about to open, and the smell of fresh pollen." He took another moment to think about anything else he could add to his description. "Most people say that yellow is the colour of happiness, but I guess that mine is pink. It takes me to places in my head that are happy."

Awsten closed his eyes and just imagined what pink felt like. He put together all of Geoff's words and imagined a perception of the colour, maybe he couldn't see it, but he wanted to feel it. "Are you feeling happy right now?"

"Yeah."

The sun felt nice against his skin, warm, and it glowed off of him which made him feel pretty, even if he didn't think that he was. He couldn't resist and looked back over at Geoff, who had been staring at him, and Awsten got trapped in his eyes again; a completed ocean, and Awsten was drowning in it.

It seemed to happen so fast, but Geoff had rolled onto Awsten and had deeply forced their lips together, and as soon as he realised what was happening Geoff had already shifted away.

Startled, he stared into the soft icy blue eyes that were so close to his, and before Geoff could mutter an apology to the boy, Awsten had grabbed onto his shirt and pulled him fully on top of his delicate body; reconnecting their lips eagerly. He moved his arm desperately to wrap around the back of Geoff's neck, finding a pace that satisfied both of them as their lips moved gently against each other in time.

In that moment, Awsten felt pink.

He never thought that he could ever comfortably be intimate like this with somebody he had met only a week ago, but Geoff was an exception. How pleased he was that Geoff was an exception.

The older boy was resting on his arm so he could hover over the younger, he probably would have crushed Awsten's fragile frame if he didn't. They only seemed to kiss for less than a minute, and Awsten audibly sighed with disappointment at the loss of touch when Geoff separated their lips. Had he done something wrong? He felt a shudder of insecurity flow through him when Geoff pulled himself off of Awsten and sat up, watching him rub his eyes with his hands, it almost looked like immediate regret.

The brunette stood up and offered Awsten a hand to get up, which he took, and they walked back inside in silence. He watched as Geoff pulled a cigarette and lighter from his jean pocket and lit it, opening the same window in the living room he had the last time that Awsten saw him smoke, taking a drag and exhaling the smoke out of the open window.

Geoff held the cigarette loosely between his teeth as he pulled a small metal object from his pocket, and began popping the safety pin opened and closed; he was anxious.

Awsten felt guilty as he sank down into the couch, the anxiety burning in his chest which made him feel sick. Neither of them had said anything in the past few minutes since they had kissed, the tension was awfully uncomfortable.

He watched for some sort of sign, some sort of indication about how Geoff was feeling. He watched as he stubbed the cigarette out on the windowsill once again, throwing the cigarette butt in the kitchen bin and walking down into the basement. Awsten wasn't sure whether he should follow or not, but he did; Geoff had been the one to kiss him, anyway.

He braced for the inevitable awkwardness that was about to follow.


	20. Chapter 20

Awsten couldn't bear the silence any longer so he decided to break it. "Can we just, like... forget that anything ever happened?"

"Do you want to?"

"I can if you need me to."

"That's not what I asked." They were on opposite sides of the bedroom, but Geoff finally looked at him again, he didn't appear to be mad although Awsten couldn't read his expression. "Do you wish I hadn't kissed you?"

Awsten stood silently inside Geoff's door as he fiddled uncomfortably with his fingers and hesitated, staring at the ground to try to avoid having to make eye contact again. "No."

"What was that?" He knew that Geoff had heard him, and he felt him walk over to stand in front of him.

Awsten shifted his eyes up to meet Geoff's. "I'm glad that we kissed."

"Good."

He felt himself get slammed into the wall behind him hastily as Geoff forcefully urged their lips back together, and he immediately melted into the solid wall as he kissed back desperately.

Awsten got chills as Geoff's cold hand rested on the side of his sensitive neck, and he slid his hands to Geoff's back and pulled him closer, attempting to close any sort of gap that remained between them. He was nowhere near strong enough to pull Geoff into him, but the older boy got the hint and pushed his body into Awsten's, causing a faint moan to escape from his mouth as Geoff broke away from the kiss.

Awsten felt another shudder flood his body when he felt Geoff's soft lips warmly come into contact with his throat, lining kisses gently up to his jaw, before touching to his own mouth once again.

Geoff traced his hands lightly over Awsten's stomach and down to behind his thighs, lifting the boy up and carrying him over to the bed, managing to roughly push him down onto it without disconnecting their lips.

Awsten liked how dominant Geoff was, he didn't think that he'd be able to handle being the dominating one. Sure, he'd gone as far as having sex with girls before, but he didn't feel anything for them like he did right now; mainly because they were girls. That's why he was feeling so intimidated and more insecure, he'd never done anything intimate with another boy before, and he actually happened to really like Geoff.

He worked his fingers into Geoff's long hair as he pressed their mouths together with more pressure, he hadn't kissed someone in a long time; he'd never wanted to kiss someone this desperately. He could feel his pulse through his rib cage, he was almost certain that Geoff could hear how quick it was through the fabric of the loose clothing he was wearing, considering how close they were.

Geoff gently slid one of his hands up the front of Awsten's shirt, but the boy immediately flinched and pushed it back down forcibly, breaking the kiss apart and pulling back, startled.

"Did I hurt you?"

The older of the two sounded genuinely worried, although they were both fairly breathless. Awsten just shook his head no in response, still a little shaken as he tried to calm himself by looking at the older boy's icy blue eyes, letting himself wallow in their soft gaze for a moment.

Geoff seemed to catch on fairly quick. "I think that your body is beautiful, Awsten," he hummed lowly, watching as a blush began to bleed back into Awsten's cheeks.

"You don't have to spare my feelings, I know what my body looks like."

He was once again propped up on one of his forearms to hold himself up and over the boy, and he used his free hand to push the long blonde strands of hair out of Awsten's worried heterochromic eyes, away from his flustered face. "I'm serious, Aws. Your body is fucking stunning."

Awsten wanted to believe him, the way that Geoff was looking at him made him trust that he should. He nodded slowly before shyly pulling the hem of his shirt up slightly, revealing that it was okay to explore his body.

The gesture allowed Geoff to slowly lift the bottom of the shirt, moving down to gently press a kiss just above the waistline of Awsten's jeans, before exposing a little more skin and lining kisses up and across the boy's hip, as he listened to him exhale audibly in pleasure.

Awsten began to worry as the boy kept exposing more of his skin, scared that maybe his insecurities were right, maybe his body was as unappealing as he had remembered. When he felt Geoff try to pull off his shirt, he felt a wave of panic and hesitated quickly, before finally complying and helping him pull off his shirt; immediately using hands to cover as much of his arms as he could.

Geoff softly pulled Awsten's hands away to prevent him from cradling himself in discomfort, before kissing down his arms, he wanted to kiss the fragile boy everywhere that he felt insecure about. Awsten lifted his head to place a gentle kiss on the neck of the boy above him, before pulling his shirt off as well, with a little bit of assistance.

Awsten started to feel uneasy about his own body as he admired Geoff's upper body, his muscles were firm and softly defined, unlike awsten, who barely even had any fundamental fat left, let alone any sort of muscle structure.

Geoff must have noticed Awsten tense up, because he changed the focus back to their lips by gently pressing his to the younger boy's, going much slower but deeper this time. They began to make out for a little while before Geoff pulled away to gasp for air, "My par-ents will be-home at nine." He managed out in between pants.

That gave them a little over an hour. Awsten decided that there wasn't enough time to be hesitant, so he slammed his mouth back into Geoff's, but Geoff immediately detached their lips and pushed Awsten firmly against the mattress.

"Calm down, babydoll."


	21. Safe

Awsten wasn't sure how far he was willing to go in one night. His sex drive was never really in control of his thoughts, but he was completely lost in the moment right now.

Once he could feel Geoff's mouth moving along his collarbone, he was practically about to beg for more. He could feel the pressure as Geoff sucked a dark mark into his skin, it hurt as he did it but it was the kind of pain that Awsten adored. His body was already covered in bruises from bad intentions and bad people, but he wanted the ones that Geoff were leaving to stain his body forever; they were gorgeous.

It was only when Geoff began to toy with Awsten's waistband that he realised that he was, in fact, not ready to do anything more. He quickly grabbed onto Geoff's hand and looked at him worriedly in the eye, to which he got a soft smile in return. "I'm not ready, yet."

He felt pathetic saying it. He was an adult, a nineteen-year-old man saying that he didn't want to have sex even though he had before in the past, even after all of these intimate exchanges they had been having for the past period of time. He was embarrassed by it, he could feel the heat rushing to his head.

Geoff seemed confused for a split moment before nodding quickly, "Oh, uh- yeah. Shit. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-" He was blushing, he hadn't even done anything wrong.

What a great boner killer, Awsten. He sighed and sat up a little too quickly, groaning at the subtle pain in his side. "Can I have my shirt?" He was getting uncomfortable now, it was entirely his fault that his body looked the way it did, it was pretty pathetic how he tried to hide it all of the time.

Geoff almost seemed like he was in shock, it took him a while to comprehend Awsten's request before quickly picking it up from the floor where it was discarded and handing it to the smaller boy. "Are you okay?"

He wanted to say yes. Yes, because I got to kiss you. Because you let me kiss you. Because you kissed me back. On the lips. For a long time. Truthfully, he didn't know why he was feeling uneasy. "Mmhmm."

Geoff just nodded shyly. "Oh, okay," he began to pull his own shirt on again, and Awsten shifted uncomfortably on top of his bed. "My parents are going to be home, like soon- uh, I think I'm going to go upstairs and wait for them? I, you know, don't want them to come down here to check up on me or anything." He laughed nervously.

"Yeah." Once Geoff had gotten up off of the bed and disappeared behind the closed door, Awsten began to panic.

He didn't expect to freak out over a short make-out session, he just hadn't been in this situation in a long while and he forgot how to deal with his insecurities. Geoff has insecurities too, I'm sure.

It didn't even matter at this point, he couldn't decide whether it was worse to stay here and be uncomfortable or just go back to his house, neither were ideal.

His breathing began to constrict, a feeling that he had become far too familiar with; he was starting to have an anxiety attack, once again.

He wanted Geoff. He wanted to be held and whispered to and cared for by him. He wanted Geoff. I want Geoff.

But Geoff was the problem. Or maybe he was the only solution, which also seemed like a problem. Either way, Awsten was too confused to try and figure out why the fuck he was breaking down, maybe Geoff would be mad at him for not wanting to have sex?

His thought track immediately broke once he realised that he really couldn't breathe. His fingers were completely numb from lack of oxygen, he couldn't move them at all, and trying to gasp for air was pointless.

His vision was blackening, he really didn't want to pass out right now, would Geoff have to call an ambulance? No, he couldn't let that happen, he just needed to stop being so dramatic and just breathe.

But he couldn't.

It was almost as if his body was trying to get him killed, which usually he would be okay with; but, right now, Awsten felt pink. He didn't want to die.

Everything became a blur. He didn't remember when, but at some point, he had curled into his body to try to make himself feel smaller. He didn't remember how long he had been there, alone, barely alive.

His thoughts were all muddled, he couldn't make sense of anything, except for the fact that he needed Geoff.

That's all that he could think about, he desperately tried to concentrate on something else, but Geoff lived in his head. Maybe, he just had to give in. He had to focus on something and concentrating on his breathing wasn't helping, so Geoff would have to do.

He tried to shake his vision back as he attempted to focus on the candles around the room. He loved them, they made him feel warm, redcandlesredcandlesredcandles. Were they even red? He made a mental note to ask later, right now he was having trouble focusing on anything; he gave up.

A series of events happened. Chatter upstairs, his vision disappearing, the sound of a car turning off, the bedroom door opening. He had no idea what order these events happened in, they, like everything else in his head, were muddled.

Regardless, he was now in Geoff's arms; he was sure it was him based off of his scent and body structure, it would be weird if it were anyone else.

He still wasn't functioning properly, his vision and breathing were cutting in and out, constantly. He got extremely claustrophobic when he had anxiety attacks, but he never wanted Geoff to let him go.

He attempted to use his numb hands to grip onto Geoff's shirt, grip onto something, but they didn't work either; he was a fucking mess. He hadn't even realised he'd been crying, he added that to his mental list of things that had happened at some point in time, hopefully, he could make more sense of it later.

He thought he could hear fine, at least. He could hear the steady heartbeat in Geoff's chest, which he was pressed up to, and he tried to time his breathing with it; he almost thought it worked, but it didn't.

It wasn't until Awsten noticed that Geoff was trying to talk to him that he realised that there wasn't a single working function in his body, at least from what he could tell.

He recognised the words. They sounded familiar, he knew them, but he couldn't understand them. His head heart. Fuck, his head hurt really bad, and falling asleep would feel really nice right now.

Thinking was a surreal experience when he couldn't understand what the voices in his head were saying. He knew what they were telling him to do, but the verbal content was absent.

He smiled a little, his throat may have been closing over, but that didn't stop him from feeling safe as Geoff hugged Awsten closer into his chest. He liked Geoff. He already knew that, but he had to work with the vocabulary of an infant right now, and goddamn did he like Geoff.

He got tired. He tried to yawn, it was unsuccessful, but his eyelids were feeling extremely heavy and his brain needed to restart, so he allowed himself to fall asleep in Geoff's soft embrace.


	22. Sleep

He startled himself awake. The room was completely dark as his muscles tensed impossibly quick, although he immediately relaxed when he realised that Geoff was still holding him.

They were in bed now, though; Awsten was facing the wall as Geoff spooned him from behind, he was asleep. He could feel the steady rise and fall in the older boy's chest in his back, and the warm breaths of air that made his neck tingle.

He smiled, everything seemed normal again. He was absolutely exhausted and he had no idea what the time was, but he wanted to sleep again, he wanted to treasure actually having a body that worked for a little while.

His head was so heavy that he hadn't realised he'd gone back to sleep until he woke up again. He felt awake, he'd probably gotten a lot more sleep than he would have if he didn't have an anxiety attack; that was a perk, at least.

Awsten rolled under Geoff's grip to face him, he was still asleep. He looked so vulnerable, so sweet, so fucking gorgeous that Awsten couldn't help but stare at him a little longer.

He paid close attention as the older boy's eyelids began to twitch slightly before fluttering open. Awsten bit his bottom lip as an attempt to hold back a smile but it didn't work, he couldn't help it. "Morning."

Geoff was too asleep to respond, he just smiled shyly before rubbing his eyes and becoming slightly more aware of his surroundings. "Hey, baby."

Awsten blushed. He liked little pet names, but Geoff's voice was deep and gravelly because he had just woken up, and it was extremely fucking hot.

He pushed a dark strand of hair out of Geoff's face so he could see his eyes better, they were glossy and soft, they were so soft. His smile, too, made Awsten's heart twist; he never realised that he was a horny morning person.

Awsten sat up a little bit and rubbed some of the sleep from his eyes, and when he looked back at Geoff, he was still smiling up at him. "What are you so smiley for?"

"Nothing," Geoff giggled, curling his fingers into Awsten's shirt, that was actually his. The younger boy took the hint and gently pressed his lips to Geoff's soft ones, it was sweet.

It didn't last very long though, neither of them had enough energy yet to participate in making out. "I want to brush my teeth, Geoff." Awsten groaned, he had only gotten around to doing that once since he had been here when Geoff gave him a spare toothbrush, and he couldn't stand feeling unclean, even though it wasn't really that bad.

"Alright, I'll- uh, I'll figure something out, okay, baby?"

Awsten nodded. "Call me that again."

"Baby."

He smiled as his body was hit with a wave of chills, he didn't understand how someone could affect him so much.

He kissed Geoff again and held it there for as long as he could without it being weird; Geoff tasted like strawberries and cigarettes and Awsten was absolutely addicted to it. Geoff was the one to pull away, "I'm going upstairs to see my family, you can brush your teeth and I'll make sure nobody comes down, I guess," He smiled.

Awsten groaned at the loss of contact as Geoff was suggesting leaving Awsten alone again. "Fine, but you better come back soon or I will get sad. Do you want me to be sad, Geoff?" He smiled playfully.

"No, baby, I don't want you to be sad." Geoff smiled back to him before leaving to go back up the staircase.

Awsten waited a few minutes before dashing into the bathroom to brush his teeth and wash his face, do anything else he needed. He was overly paranoid now that he wasn't in the comfort of Geoff's bedroom, although he trusted the boy enough to not let anybody down into the basement.

He scrubbed at his teeth too hard and for too long to make up for the time he hadn't brushed them, his gums began to gush with blood. The taste of blood wasn't unfamiliar to him so he wasn't bothered by it.

He ran some cold water on his arms, neck and face. He looked in the mirror quickly before running some more water through his messy blonde hair, he couldn't stay here for much longer.

He really wanted to, he wanted to stay here with Geoff forever, but it just wasn't practical. The longer he stayed, the more likely they were to get caught, the more likely Geoff was going to get in trouble, the more likely they'd never be able to see each other again.

He pressed his ear to the bathroom door to make sure that there was, in fact, nobody else in the basement. There wasn't.

He took his toothbrush from the counter and made his way back into the older boy's bedroom, closing the door behind him, it made a reasonable sound as it clicked shut. He froze and his breathing ceased as he waited for someone to come down and check; luckily, nobody did.

He sighed, wanting to change his clothes, so he decided to look through one of Geoff's drawers for some clothes. He had absolutely no idea where Geoff kept anything, so he'd have to look through all of his drawers; he hated having to look through Geoff's things but this was the best chance he'd get to change out of his current attire.

He opened the top drawer from the wardrobe, it was empty besides an opened box of safety pins, hundreds of them; it made sense, they were easy to access there. He pushed the wooden drawer back into its socket before pulling on the second one, it also felt fairly light.

It had three packs of cigarettes, one of them was completely empty, the other two unopened, there were a few loose cigarettes rolling around in the drawer, though.

Two lighters and an empty ashtray, as well, this was to be expected. How much did Geoff smoke anyway? He noticed the almost empty box of condoms, too.

Geoff Wigington really was a slut.


	23. Shower

He jumped and froze when heard the bedroom door click shut again. He didn't bother to turn around, he immediately knew that it was Geoff when he felt the older boy's cold hands snake around his waist from underneath his sweater.

He fell into Geoff's touch as he felt his warm lips come into contact with the back of his neck, Awsten didn't know what had gotten into the older boy but he wasn't opposed.

He closed the drawer as he managed to turn around in Geoff's grip before he was pushed up into the wardrobe, knobs painfully digging into his back, the pain didn't bother him though. Geoff barely gave him the chance to complain before his mouth was preoccupied with the boy's lips, anyway.

Awsten wasn't stupid enough to not know what Geoff wanted. His statement had changed since the previous night, he had been thinking about sex with Geoff involuntarily for hours, he was definitely ready. Maybe if the circumstances were better he would have gone through with it.

"Geoff- no," he tried to push him off but Geoff kept kissing him, Awsten pulled away to giggle. "Your parents!" He whispered, smiling, as if mentioning them would make them aware of everything that was going on.

That statement earned a disappointed groan, Geoff sighing before pulling away, Awsten was still trying to stifle a giggle, he wasn't even sure what he was laughing at, at this point. "Are you seriously worried about that?"

Awsten quickly nodded, his first priority was to not get caught, then perhaps he would be a little more lenient.

Geoff complied, "fine," he smiled though. He ruffled his hand through Awsten's hair, noticing that it was slightly damp, "did you want to have a shower?" He had already noticed that Awsten was a fairly clean person, he wanted to look after him.

"I can't," He phrased it as a question, maybe they were going to have the house to themselves again. "Can I?" Awsten already knew that Geoff's mum was going to be out later, seeing as though it was a Sunday, although that didn't accommodate for his sister and dad.

Geoff had a smirk on his face that Awsten just couldn't place, "maybe you can't, but I can." He immediately picked up on what the older boy was suggesting.

Awsten blushed, he hadn't seen Geoff naked before, he certainly did not want Geoff to see him naked. "I'm not going to shower with you," he responded firmly, this was ridiculous.

Geoff rolled his eyes. "Sorry, sweetheart, but it's the best thing we've got right now, the only option," he smiled a little. This was definitely not the only option.

"No, it isn't." Geoff still looked amused over Awsten's small tantrum, "why don't you 'have a shower' and stay in here while I'm in there?" It wasn't even that he didn't want to see Geoff naked, he didn't mind, but he was too self-conscious to have himself be that exposed around somebody else.

"Because I actually want to have a shower, asshole, and what if they see me and realise that my hair isn't wet?" Geoff shoved him playfully in the shoulder that made him stumble back into the drawer handles on the wardrobe, sticking into his back.

"Ow! Fine!" He said quickly, he didn't mean to agree, he was not about to have a shower with Geoff.

Or maybe he was.

Geoff grabbed his wrist and he giggled quietly as he was dragged out of the bedroom and into the bathroom, he wasn't really sure what to think right now.

Geoff picked him up and sat him down on the bathroom counter, taking his own shirt off before signalling for Awsten to do the same. He quickly shook his head no, "wait- no, I don't want to." He wrapped his arms around himself as a wave of insecurity washed over him.

He heard Geoff sigh, Awsten was very stubborn. He cupped the younger boy's jaw as he pressed a gentle kiss to his cheekbone before whispering darkly, "I want to see you naked, baby."

The breath made Awsten shiver, Geoff began to pull Awsten's shirt off for him, he complied. He was visibly tense, he wished that he were more confident, he wanted to just be able to enjoy doing things like this without his thoughts holding him back.

Geoff began to take off his jeans so he was only left in his boxers, kissing Awsten's neck gently as he pulled the younger boy's pants from his legs. Awsten wasn't going to willingly undress, so he figured that he would have to do it for him.

Awsten, surprisingly, was calming down fairly quickly, relaxing as Geoff lined gentle kisses down his neck. He felt his boxers being edged down slightly, immediately picking his burst of nerves back up again.

He didn't mind them though, it was the kind of feeling that made him feel dangerous, like he was pumped up on weak adrenaline. He ended up being the one to take them off, he could feel the blush creeping out through his skin as he exposed himself.

Geoff smiled in amusement at the boy's blush, he thought it was cute, and immediately followed by taking his own boxers off before turning on the water in the shower.

Awsten felt so vulnerable, the blush burning through his face viciously. Geoff was quite large, compared to him at least, who was averagely small. He tried to hide his small body by curling in on himself awkwardly but there was no point, he was going to have to deal with it.

He shifted himself slightly on the counter to look at himself in the mirror, he could see his back, his spine caving its way out of his skin. He wasn't beautiful.

"I think you're beautiful."


	24. Surreal

Awsten almost squealed as he giggled when Geoff scooped him up off of the bathroom counter and carried him into the shower, his pale skin was immediately met with the warmth of the water pouring onto him.

He wasn't surprised when he was pushed up against the wall in the shower as Geoff desperately tried to make out with him, hot water running into their mouths; of course Geoff didn't actually want to shower.

Awsten fought as he pushed the older boy off of him, "Geoff!" He smiled as he playfully tried to fight him off, truthfully he didn't want to though, it wasn't like he was strong enough, anyway.

"Awsten!" He replied in mockery although let him go, the younger boy immediately sunk to his knees. Awsten was stubborn, he got an idea and he was going to go through with it.

He gently grabbed onto the back of Geoff's calfs and lined kisses up his thigh to his hip, he could feel Geoff looking down at him in awe but he refused to look back up at him. They were both already half-hard, it gave Awsten enough confidence to be sucking a dark hickey onto the inside of Geoff's thigh.

He heard the older boy moan softly as released the skin from his lips and he began to curl his fingers around Geoff's shaft, blushing darkly as he shyly licked his tip, before wrapping his lips around it and sinking down slightly. He left his hand where he knew his mouth wouldn't be able to reach as he slowly slid his mouth further down Geoff's cock.

He immediately choked, gagging, he'd never done this before. Awsten had never understood the thrill of oral sex, it seemed like one-sided pleasure, although the sounds of contentment being emitted from Geoff's mouth was enough alone to make him understand.

As he began to bob his head quicker, he felt his hair being pulled as Geoff's large hands tangled themselves in it, moving his hand in time with mouth as the hot water poured down his face and over Geoff's now completely hard dick.

"Holy fuck, Aws," he breathed out in a heavy moan, causing Awsten to forcefully resist smiling devilishly, his name had never sounded this good as it was spilling out of the older boy's mouth. He started to pump his hand quicker as he felt Geoff thrusting slightly deeper into his mouth.

Awsten let out a muffled moan with each thrust, sending warm vibrations throughout Geoff's dick. He gripped onto Awsten's hair tighter, forcing his length deeply until he could feel it colliding with the back of the younger boy's warm throat.

Awsten couldn't contain his gags as Geoff threw him around roughly, although the sight of Geoff thrashing his head back in pleasure as he breathed heavily made Awsten wish he could take more, Geoff was just too big.

The sound of the tip of his cock hitting the back of the blonde's throat was building tension quickly in the bottom of Geoff's stomach as he got closer and closer to reaching his climax. "Ah- fuck," he panted out, "f-fuck, yes, baby. I'm c-close."

Awsten didn't have to move his mouth anymore, Geoff was basically throwing him onto his dick by the grip on his hair and he loved it. "Oh, Awsten!" Hearing his name made him moan deeply as he felt his own shaft firm up, the vibration must have sent Geoff over the edge.

The older boy stopped moving after he deeply forced his dick into the back of Awsten's throat, Awsten felt the warm liquid running down his throat as he choked and gagged, the bitter taste of come spreading quickly to his tastebuds and spilling from his lips, as well as his own saliva, rinsing away from the still running water of the shower.

Awsten would have swallowed if he didn't have the back of his throat closed over from Geoff's length. The older boy moved slowly in Awsten's mouth a few more times as his orgasm ceased, before pulling out of the boy's mouth, come and spit spilling from every part of his flustered lips.

Awsten could feel himself almost crying from all of the gagging, he was glad that Geoff pulled out when he did otherwise he was scared that he would have suffocated. He swallowed what was left in his mouth before looking up at him innocently and opening his mouth widely, sticking out his tongue to show the older boy that it was all gone.

Geoff was still panting, "fuck." Awsten grinned as he shakily stood up, he wasn't sure why he got shaky after sexual activity, he couldn't help it.

Geoff kissed him as he quickly got himself off, it didn't take him very long until white strings of come had covered his own thighs and part of Geoff's stomach, he had built most of the pressure up while he was sucking the older boy off.

They quickly rinsed themselves and the shower down before shutting off the taps. Awsten stepped out of the shower as he picked up one of the towels that had been left on one side of the bathroom and shakily wrapped it around his shoulders to conceal his small and bruised body. He also tended to get shy after he was intimate with someone, especially a boy, especially Geoff.

He blushed darkly as he stared at his reflection, it seemed so surreal that he had just given someone as hot as Geoff a blowjob, completely naked in the shower. He could feel Geoff's eyes on him still, it didn't make him uncomfortable, it was reassuring that he hadn't just fucked everything over.

He couldn't stop smiling.


	25. Supplicate

Awsten tried to hide in the large sweater he was drowning in, he was curled next to Geoff on his bed, head resting against his chest as he listened to the older boy's heart that beat in a constant rhythm.

He wasn't embarrassed, just shy, he wanted cuddles, he felt so soft. Geoff always made him feel soft. Did he make Geoff feel soft?

They were sitting under a warm blanket in the dark, three candles were lit in Geoff's room, it was only enough to make their skin glow very faintly. Awsten kept an eye on Geoff's laptop screen that was sitting on the older boy's lap as shitty music videos played, Awsten could see in the faint reflection of the glass screen that Geoff was looking at him instead. "Stop doing that."

"Stop doing what?"

"I don't know, that. Looking at me like you love me or something."

Geoff scoffed but looked back towards the laptop screen as some wannabe-emo chick from 2006 attempted to scream. Awsten had said his previous statement as a joke, although he really did hope that there was some level of mutual attraction there, he couldn't understand how somebody, especially somebody like Geoff, could ever be attracted to someone like him.

Awsten had now moved his focus to the constant flicker of one of the lit candles from across the room, he'd never really liked candles before, but he started to realise that they were so cute. "What colour are your candles, Geoffy?"

"Hmm? Oh- they're pink," He smiled, Awsten knew that pink made Geoff happy, he wasn't sure how he didn't put that together yet. "Uh... it's my favourite colour," his cheeks flushed darker, Awsten wondered if Geoff's blush was pink. He hoped it was. Maybe he'd never seen it, but it seemed that pink was quickly becoming his happy colour, as well.

"Mine, too."

Geoff didn't question it, maybe he'd just let Awsten pretend for a little while, or maybe he understood that the younger boy was starting to know what pink felt like, like a second coating of emotion, a new film that saturated his brain instead of his eyes.

Geoff had shut the lid of his laptop and put it down on the floor next to his bed, maybe Geoff was sick of all of the screeching? Awsten liked to laugh at it. "What are you doing?"

"Can I kiss you, Babydoll?"

It wasn't exactly what he was expecting, although he responded embarrassingly fast. "Yes, please." Awsten felt every small moment leading up to when Geoff softly connected their lips, he never wanted them to separate again.

He liked it when Geoff threaded his fingers through his blonde hair, the gentle tugging at the strands made his heart flutter, he couldn't understand why. They'd already found their rhythm, Awsten wanted to keep tempo forever, maybe make a song out of it.

Awsten's heartbeat quickened to a dangerous pace although it felt as if it had completely ceased, like his heart had just stopped contracting, maybe it had. He was laying mostly on top of Geoff as the pair immediately broke apart their lips, Awsten could clearly see that Geoff was just as terrified as he was right now.

It was definitely a knock they heard on the bedroom door, and before either of them could process the situation and cover it up, the door was already opened.

Everything blurred. He was completely frozen, paralysed, his brain had completely broken off contact with the rest of his muscles. He felt Geoff push him off of his chest as the older boy ran after his sister who was now walking angrily back up the staircase.

Awsten kept his eyes straight ahead of him. He couldn't move them either, his body was falling into shock, they had just been caught; not only was he caught in Geoff's bedroom, but they had been caught making-out.

He wasn't shaking this time, it was his vision that was the first thing to disappear. Are you seriously having a fucking panic attack right now? The voice in his head hadn't visited him in a couple of days. He could hear Geoff yelling with his sister above him, he wished he could go up and help; he didn't know what it was they were screaming about.

Geoff sounded upset. It wasn't as if Awsten could understand what they were fighting about, his ears were hearing the sounds but were keeping their meanings to themselves, like they were trying to hide some sort of big secret from him.

It was probably about him. The whole argument was probably about the fact that Geoff was keeping Awsten hidden in his room when his parents had been 'so worried'. Unless it wasn't, and this was about Geoff being gay. Was he gay? Awsten wasn't even sure, that wasn't his priority right now.

His fingers had gone numb, his body decided to cut off his oxygen supply as his throat closed over. The only current confirmation he had that he wasn't passing into the afterlife was the constant drone of his overdramatic heartbeat that he could feel in the base of his throat.

He could hear how upset Geoff was. He made Geoff sad. If he hadn't come here in the first place then Geoff wouldn't be sad, he wouldn't be fighting with his sister, he would be safe. Awsten was so bad for him. Awsten should never have come.

Was Sarah going to tell Geoff's parents? Awsten thought that Geoff's dad was home, what if he already knew? Awsten didn't want to go home. He didn't want to go home, back to feeling unsafe, back to the locked door, away from Geoff. Maybe it was a good sacrifice, he was making Geoff unsafe, Awsten didn't want Geoff to get hurt.

Geoff looked after Awsten when he was hurt. He made him feel soft while he looked after him. Awsten wanted to look after Geoff but he was too selfish to not blackout, he was too selfish, you're so selfish.

I'm so selfish.

Awsten didn't want to go home. He didn't want to go home. He didn't want to.

I don't want to.


	26. Shelved

Awsten passed out.

He wasn't sure exactly when that happened or how long he'd been out for, at some point during the arguing Awsten's brain decided it would be a better idea to shut off. At least now his body was working again, he couldn't panic while he was unconscious, his breathing steadied and his heart rate calmed.

When he finally managed to shake himself from his sleep, he was alone. Everything looked so dark as it all immediately came back to him, he just wanted Geoff, but he wasn't here. He couldn't be sure where he was since the fighting upstairs had ceased; initially, he was relieved, although maybe it was a bad thing, either way, he was still oblivious to everything going on.

He managed to peel his eyes open as he heard the gentle footsteps slowly getting closer as someone climbed down the staircase, he'd never felt so relieved to see that it was Geoff. He didn't give Awsten his warm and reassuring smile, though; his eyes looked sunken in, he looked exhausted, tear tracks stained his cheeks.

He looked so upset; Awsten's heart sank to the bottom of his stomach, he felt as though he wanted to vomit it up. Geoff almost looked mad, Awsten assumed that he was mad at him until the older boy quickly rushed over and pulled Awsten into his chest as he sat down on the bed, running his fingers through the blonde boy's hair and pressing gentle kisses to his head.

Awsten felt safe again, he felt so soft, Geoff was holding him so tightly. He could hear his shaky breaths as he pulled his head away from Geoff's chest, looking directly into his icy blue eyes, glossy from the tears that were quickly falling once again. "Why are you crying, Geoffy?"

His voice sounded so small, so naïve. He heard the older boy laugh nervously through his tears, he looked so sad, it mad Awsten sad, too. "I'm sorry, baby... you have to go back home."

Awsten's heart sunk further down, he didn't want to go home. He didn't want to. As much as that statement made Awsten want to completely break down, he acted as if it didn't matter and completely ignored it. "Why was Sarah mad? Was it because I'm here?"

"No, no... it's not you... don't worry about it, okay, love?" He sounded stressed, there was obvious tension as the words spilled from Geoff's mouth.

"Is it because you're gay?" Awsten couldn't imagine Geoff's family being homophobic. They all seemed so genuinely accepting, except for maybe his mother, who Awsten was almost certain still hated him.

Geoff smiled softly down at him. "No, I guess she didn't know that but that's not why she was mad... you really don't have to worry, okay, baby? It's all okay."

He nodded in response, he didn't believe it, he wasn't that stupid. "When do I have to go?" He didn't want to. There wasn't anything more to it, he just didn't want to; his reasons were clear.

"N-now... I guess... what did you bring?"

"My phone," that was the only thing, he was pretty sure, "oh... and my clothes." He wasn't even sure where they had gotten to, he knew that Geoff had soaked the blood from them and obviously put them somewhere to dry where his family wouldn't see.

Geoff let him go as he left the room, he assumed to get his clothes. He had a quick blank as to where his phone was until he remembered that he'd left it to charge on Geoff's desk.

It was still there although wasn't plugged in anymore, Geoff's phone was. He wanted to know what his lock screen was, maybe it was pink, that would be so cute. He turned it on, the screen was just a solid colour, he couldn't tell which, covered by a message notification.

'Why are you ignoring me?' From an unknown number, Awsten didn't recognise it, probably Geoff's mum again. He sighed and took his phone and went to sit back down on the bed until Geoff returned holding a bundle of his clothes.

"The blood didn't all come out... I'm sorry," Geoff looked genuinely guilty. He'd tried so hard to look after Awsten that now he was feeling bad about it, he was so sweet; the good kind of sweet.

"Thank you," he took the clothes from the older boy's hands and tucked his phone into the front pocket in his sweatpants. "Can I keep these on, just until I get the chance to give them back?" He gestured towards Geoff's clothes that hung loosely from his frame.

"Uh- yeah, of course," he replied quickly, although he seemed to look extremely apologetic. Awsten knew there was something else that needed to be said, the anticipation was making his stomach ache.

"What?" He waited for Geoff to respond. Nothing. "Geoff, what the fuck is it?"

"We can't see each other again," his eyes began to overflow with tears as they forcefully fell down his face and was soaking into his white T-shirt.

"N-no!" Awsten quickly stuttered out as he covered his mouth with his hand. He didn't start crying, he was about to, he just didn't know how to react, his body felt as if it was going into shock again. "W-why? I thought..."

He couldn't compose a sentence before he felt a tear running down his face, he thought it didn't matter that he was here? "I kn-know... Sarah said she wouldn't tell my p-parents if I take you home now."

It must have been only Sarah and Geoff home besides Awsten, and for some reason, Geoff really didn't want his parents to find out about him. Maybe he was embarrassed? Maybe it was just that he didn't want them to know he was gay. Either way, having them find out was a big enough threat for Geoff to take Awsten back to his house.

"C-come on, we should go."


	27. Silence

The drive home was awful. Awsten was staring out of the car window at the dark rain clouds clustered in the sky, raindrops unevenly splattered across his window before running down the glass.

He inaudibly sighed to himself, there was no music playing in the car, the only separation from the incredibly awkward silence was the droning patter of the water splashing on the bonnet of the car.

Neither of them had said anything for the entire drive so far, despite being locked in the small space alone for fifteen minutes already; the worst part was that they were only halfway to Awsten's house.

Each minute seemed to carry Awsten through an infinite timeframe, it just dragged on as he curled his fingers and dug his fingernails into the palm of his hand until he broke the layers of skin, blood caking underneath his white fingernails.

The closer he got to his house, the more memories of the place hijacked his brain, he wanted to ask Geoff to turn around, even just drop him off on the side of the road, he'd rather be discarded and left to die in the freezing rain.

"I'm sorry," Geoff's voice sounded hollow, Awsten quickly focused his attention on Geoff, completely startled as if he'd never heard anyone talk before.

"W-what are you sorry for?" Geoff didn't have anything to apologise for. He'd let Awsten stay at his house, cared for him constantly, it wasn't even his fault that Awsten had to go home.

Geoff looked angry as he kept his eyes on the road, Awsten hated it when people were angry while they were driving, although, oddly, Awsten trusted Geoff enough, his presence was indescribably comforting. "Just... I should have been more careful. I promised I'd keep you safe and I didn't, I'm so sorry, Aws."

"Don't say that," Awsten snapped, he didn't mean to say it so harshly but he couldn't let Geoff take the fall for this, not at all. "You looked after me. I felt- feel, I feel so safe with you, none of this is your fault, I should have never stayed with you for so long; we knew it was dangerous but I was too much of a pussy to go back home."

He wasn't entirely sure if the scenario was actually his fault, he started to wonder if maybe there was no fault to this. "That's not it, at all... you don't understand, I- you just need to believe me. This isn't your fault, Sarah had her reasons to get mad."

It was obvious that Geoff didn't want to elaborate so Awsten dropped the subject, going back to staring out his window at the gloomy weather as the silence commenced once again. Thankfully, this period of silence seemed to be much shorter than the first one as Geoff pulled into Awsten's driveway.

He took a deep breath. He could feel it constricting already, he just had to hold off having a panic attack until he got inside and actually had a reason to. "It's going to be okay, Awsie."

Awsten felt Geoff's warm fingers interlock with his own cold ones, he didn't realise how badly he was already craving the feeling of Geoff's soft skin, he was glad that he didn't seem mad at him. "What if it isn't okay?"

"It will be," He gave Awsten's a reassuring squeeze as he locked eye contact with him. "I promise," he wanted to kiss Geoff so bad, his icy blue eyes had Awsten's heterochromic ones locked in, although Geoff had pretty much broken up with him before. We can't see each other anymore. Did that mean 'as of now' or did that only apply after Awsten had gone back home?

The sudden feeling of Geoff's warm lips connecting with his own suggested the latter. He tried to desperately make it all last, he wanted to hold their kiss for as long as he possibly could before he could never kiss this boy again, although it was cut off too short and Awsten was left in the passenger seat with the sudden realisation that he would never get to experience that ever again.

Neither of them said anything more as Awsten cracked open the car door and climbed out, the gentle rain soaked into his hair and overly-large clothes, walking up to his doorstep and sighing before hesitantly turning the doorknob, luckily it was unlocked. He turned back to look at Geoff although he wasn't looking back at him, he was changing into reverse and pulling back out of the driveway.

Awsten was alone.

He pushed on the door until it opened, quickly stepping inside and shutting the door behind him again, immediately bracing for the screaming to start. It didn't.

He didn't know where anybody was, neither of his parents appeared to be home, maybe Gracie would be in her bedroom upstairs. He climbed the familiar staircase that made him feel sick, past his own bedroom door before knocking on Gracie's door. Nothing.

He didn't think they had anything on, church never ran that late unless there was an after-party at one of the volunteers' houses, that was probably about right. He was just glad that his parents weren't here to crush him even more.

He opened his bedroom door, everything was exactly the way he left it before his life had completely taken a turn, including the dark stains on his white carpet from where his stomach bled before Geoff had cleaned his wounds for him.

It was going to take him a while to stop relating everything back to that boy.


	28. Seventeen

Awsten: seventeen missed calls.

He'd called Geoff every night for the last seventeen days.

He'd wanted to tell Geoff about how much he missed him, how much he'd been thinking about him. Of course, if Geoff had even bothered to pick up the phone, Awsten didn't think that he would have said anything like that. He wasn't sure exactly what he'd say, he just wanted to hear his voice again.

Every night, he'd gotten hopeful that Geoff was going to pick up his phone, Awsten already knew that he wouldn't, although he was naïve enough to sit and anxiously wait for the sound of Geoff's soft voice. Instead, he was met with the sound of a dial tone as his heart shattered in his chest, every night for the last seventeen days.

Maybe he would have told him about how every single night he'd managed to get hurt somewhere new, his bruises were creating purple constellations on his small frame. Maybe he would have told him how badly he wanted Geoff to kiss them better.

Maybe he would have told him how he hadn't felt pink at all over the last seventeen days, how he only had ever experienced feeling pink for the two days he'd spent alone with the older boy, thank him for letting him feel pink for the first and only time in his life.

He'd ask why Sarah got so mad. Nothing was making sense from what Geoff had told him, either Geoff was lying, or Awsten was just too oblivious to piece together the situation. The latter was the most likely.

He started to cry, at least he could now say that he'd also cried alone in his bedroom every night for the last seventeen days. He sobbed into his pillow while he was curled up on his bed, why did he let himself get so attached to somebody in such a short period of time? He should have known better.

Awsten needed to feel something. He'd never wanted to leave scars on his body, he needed an escape from his thoughts that didn't involve thin pieces of metal. He'd resorted to burning himself in his shower, ever since the first time he did it, he became absolutely hooked on the sensation of his skin reacting to the temperature.

Burning showers was something he could add to the list of things he'd done every day for the last seventeen days; sleeping and eating, however, were not. He'd done both briefly, otherwise, he'd be dead, that thought made him wish that maybe he hadn't done either of those things.

Awsten didn't realise that it would be so hard to cope with his everyday life after getting a brief taste of something so good, so genuine; happiness. He hadn't felt that in years, now it was gone again, for good.

It was a Wednesday night, he'd just made the seventeenth phone call, listening to the dial tone after Geoff let his call ring out. He didn't even have his own voicemail, it was automated, so Awsten couldn't even hear his voice if he wanted to. He really wanted to.

He had left voicemails for the first nine days, after that, he decided that it was pointless. He knew that he was probably annoying Geoff, clearly, he didn't want to talk to him, what if he'd blocked Awsten's number? He just did not understand.

His tears started to subside as he could feel his eyelids getting heavy, he tried to fight off the sleep, he didn't want it. He couldn't open his eyes, though, and sure enough, he started to go to sleep for the first time in three days.

Maybe he wouldn't get sleep paralysis again tonight, it was all just a guessing game, sitting and waiting for the worst to see if it would ever actually come. It did.

He woke in a panic as his entire body was disconnected from him, he wanted to cry, to scream, he couldn't move and he was terrified. This had been happening recently, some nights he'd see his demons, other nights he wouldn't.

He tried to pull himself up and run away from the silhouette that was approaching the end of his bed, it looked like it did every night; it had no face, but from the build and the crushing feeling Awsten had in his chest, it was easy to tell that it resembled his own father.

He trashed around inside his body as his physical form stayed completely still, he was going to die and right now that really fucking scared him. All of the things he wanted to yell at the shadow were pulsating through his head but it just wasn't connecting to his throat, he couldn't do anything but watch himself as the silhouette taunted him from the edge of his bed.

It had eyes, at least, glowing red. Awsten had never seen red before, but right now he could and it terrified him, it was impossible.

He quickly sat up, startled, he was breathing heavily and shaking hard, when he glanced back to the end of his bed, he couldn't see the figure anymore, he couldn't see the red of its eyes either.

He started to cry, muffling his sobs with the back of his shaky hand. He was so scared, he couldn't stop crying, the tears kept pouring down his face as he tightly shut his eyes to try to block out everything, his room was so dark and he was just so terrified.

Maybe he'd tell him that he just wanted to be held again. It didn't even have to be in a romantic way, he just felt so protected when he was with Geoff, he just wanted to feel that affection again.

He would tell Geoff that he was his safety pin.


	29. Superstitious

He was sat outside his house on the cold grass. It was wet, absolutely freezing, at least it wasn't snowing again today. It was a Thursday; twenty-six days after he had last seen Geoff, he had been keeping count, even though he had stopped trying to contact the brunette a couple of days ago.

He was staring at the clouds that filtered out the sunlight, they were dark and gloomy, he loved days like this; they complimented his feelings.

He wore the sweater that Geoff had given him, he wasn't exactly sure what colour it was but he was pretty sure it was light pink. He wished it was any other colour. He sucked on the end of his half-burnt cigarette, letting the smoke coat the lining on his throat and lungs before slowly blowing the excess chemicals out of his body.

He liked the watch the smoke rise out of his mouth and disappear into the air, it was aesthetically pleasing to him. He took another drag and did the exact same thing, over and over again until the cigarette was too small, before taking another one from his pack and lighting it straight away with his almost-empty lighter.

He'd never smoked until Geoff had let him try it, even after that he hadn't been too fascinated by it, it was something he'd taken up about twenty days ago. Awsten was absolutely heartbroken though, every day he was starting to become more and more like the boy who had broken his heart in the first place; he wasn't sure why, but it helped.

He was glad that he was home alone, both of his parents worked long hours and Gracie was at school; if any of them found out that he had started smoking he may as well be dead. That's if the cigarettes didn't kill him first.

That's probably why he was lighting his third cigarette now, he could feel his body being destroyed from the inside and he was addicted. Destroying the inside of his body wasn't enough though; he pulled the cigarette from between his teeth and lifted the material of his sweater, Geoff's sweater, before pressing the burning end into the side of his pale stomach.

He quickly winced at the pain before laughing a little, he had an obsession with burning his skin, the stinging sensation was one that he treasured. He held the cigarette to his skin until it had stopped burning and he was bleeding from the small, circular mark that it left, before lighting it again and pressing it into a different area.

He did this until he was satisfied with the constellation of burns on his skin, they still stung even after the cigarette had been removed, he didn't want the pain to stop. The clouds were clearing slightly and the sun beamed through, he decided that it was time to go back inside.

He got superstitious a lot, even though he knew that he was home alone, he still latched closed the seven locks that were now installed on the inside of his bedroom door. He knew that having seven wasn't going to do a lot more than only having three, but the more he had, the more physically safe he started to feel.

The sweater didn't smell like Geoff anymore, he'd worn it so often that all of the scents from his strawberry candles were gone and had been drenched in left-over cigarette smoke; it still reminded Awsten of him though, he'd always tasted like that.

He sat down on his unmade bed, he never had the motivation to do anything but think anymore, so that's exactly what he did. He thought about Geoff. No matter how hard he tried not to, his mind always trailed back to him, it was starting to get annoyingly consistent.

He didn't understand why he couldn't just forget about him. There was something about Geoff that Awsten just couldn't shake, something he craved, he was desperate. He wanted to let go, it was obvious that the older boy had let go of him, he was better on his own, anyway.

His eyes wandered around his room, everything was so plain, he liked it that way. He'd tried to decorate his room in the past but every time that he had put something up it made him mad, he didn't want to be happy anymore, wallowing in sadness was his latest hobby.

He found himself staring at a box of paracetamol. Do it. He could take them all right now and it would all be over, just like that, by the end of the night he wouldn't have to worry about sneaking more money from his parent's wallets for cigarettes, no more sleepless nights and bland days, no more Geoff.

He slowly stood from where he was sitting on his bed and walked over to his dresser where the box was, just out of curiosity, he pulled out the sheets of pills, counting them to see how many were left. Fifteen.

He put them back down again, he didn't actually want to take them, although his thought process kept drifting back to it. He was glad though, it meant that he could take a break from being obsessed with a boy.

He never wanted to think about Geoff again. Not about his baggy sweaters or his smile or his damned fucking eyes that made Awsten want to let Geoff do whatever he wanted to him.

He sighed before throwing the box of painkillers into one of his drawers so he wouldn't be tempted to take them later when his world began to fall apart, once again. At least he'd stopped crying at night, he wanted to think that maybe it was because he was starting to get better, he knew that it was because he was getting bored of being upset and had just shut off his emotions.

He lay back down on his bed for a while, he wasn't sure how long for but he wasn't home alone anymore. He could hear his parents arguing downstairs like they did every night, he just had to wait until his dad got sick of yelling at his mother and decided to beat Awsten up instead.


	30. Sinking Ship

He couldn't breathe anymore, his heart was threatening to beat out of his throat as he stared at the words on his phone.

Geoff: Come over.

It made him mad, he'd been ignoring Awsten for thirty-two days and now he was acting as if everything was fine all of a sudden. It was not fine.

Geoff: Please?

He wanted to. He wanted to run back to him, cry to him, tell him how much he'd missed him and how he wanted Geoff to kiss all of his bruises better.

Geoff: I need you.

But he wasn't going to. He wasn't upset about Geoff ignoring him anymore, just confused but he wasn't about to get his hopes up and let his world get torn down again. He couldn't get any worse than he already was and that terrified him.

Are you sure you want to block this contact?

If Geoff actually needed awsten, then he would have contacted him beforehand, at least a text, even just a message through Gracie would have been enough. Awsten had put in an effort every day and never gotten a response, why should he bother?

Yes, I'm sure.

He lay back down on the grass so that he could watch the clouds move past each other in the wind, sucking on the end of his fifth cigarette. He had a new obsession with being outside lately, he usually hated it, there was just something about the gloomy days that recently started to appeal to Awsten.

It was a Wednesday evening, Awsten decided that it would probably be a better idea to get inside before his parents got home. Gracie was here already, she didn't really mind that Awsten smoked, though. He also couldn't sit and watch the sky turn pink anymore, that would make all of the memories come back.

He was met with Gracie cooking as he walked back inside, "are you going to eat with us, tonight?" She almost sounded hopeful, he hadn't done that in a painfully long time. "Fuck, Aws, you smell like cigarettes."

He knew he'd have to cover that up, wash Geoff's hoodie again, shower. "I know... and yeah, uh- I'll think about it." He hurried up to his bedroom before quickly stripping from his clothes and turning on the water of his shower.

He used a sponge to scrub at his skin until his arms were bleeding, watching the blood dilute in the lukewarm water running down his body. He didn't stand under the water for too long before he shut off the cold water tap and let his skin burn under the heat that was spilling across him, only for a few seconds until he couldn't take the pain any longer.

He hadn't been able to shower without burning himself in a long time, it was part of his routine, he just had to do it. He put on some clean black jeans before taking a light blue hoodie and throwing that on, it fit him perfectly, he already missed how big Geoff's sweater was on him.

Yeah, he was going to eat with his family tonight. That was definitely going to end badly, he couldn't even imagine it going well but Gracie wanted him to be there and if he was being honest, he'd really missed her lately.

He'd heard them walk in, they weren't arguing this time, that gave him a little more confidence to go out and see them, he'd forgotten certain features of their faces, he hadn't seen them in a while; at least that meant he hadn't been beaten in a few days.

He hadn't closed his locks, not like it mattered, he hesitated before turning his door handle and descended down the staircase without thinking, if he had thought then he would have been to scared to leave his bedroom.

He sighed with relief as he saw Gracie laying plates on the table, that meant that he wouldn't have to stay down here for too long. She noticed him and immediately started to smile, putting an extra plate down as opposed to their usual three. "You're eating with us?" She sounded extra hopeful, waiting for confirmation; Awsten nodded.

He swore that he heard his parents groan slightly as he sat down, he only laughed it off to himself. Gracie came to sit next to him, trying to give him a half-hug, he loved her so much.

He didn't really say or eat much, he just listened to the light conversation that was fluttering around the table and occasional arguments; he just pretended like he wasn't there as he pushed the food around his plate with his fork.

Sarah had tried calling Gracie, to which she quickly declined, their parents hated phones at the dinner table. The fourth time that Sarah had tried to call, though, Gracie had quickly excused herself and went into the next room.

Now, Awsten was stuck, alone with his parents who he was pretty sure hated him. They still pretended like he didn't exist, he wasn't sure whether that was good or bad; it hurt but he really didn't want to deal with them alone.

Everything quickly ceased. "H-holy fuck... Yes- I'm coming... it will be okay." Awsten had never heard Gracie swear before, apparently his parents hadn't either because they quickly perked up in anger. "I'll be there s-soon."

She sounded upset, in shock, what the fuck were they talking about? He noticed how pale she was when she finally came back into the room, shaking, nearly crying. "What's wrong?"

"Aws... I need you to drive..." she sounded desperate.

"Why?"

"Because Geoff just tried to kill himself."


	31. Slow

Geoff really did need Awsten.

And Awsten had blocked his phone number.

He was driving fast, Gracie kept telling him to slow down, he didn't listen. "I need to see- I need to get you to Sarah," he quickly stuttered out as he applied more pressure to the acceleration pedal, he needed to see Geoff. "She needs you."

And Geoff needed me.

It wasn't even in question at this point, if Awsten had just gone to see him when he had asked, then he wouldn't be driving to see a half-alive Geoff in a hospital bed.

There wasn't a lot of traffic out, it wasn't even that late, but as he approached an empty set of lights, he had no way of telling whether it was green or red, he could have asked Gracie, although it didn't really matter; he probably wouldn't have stopped even if he knew that he had a red light.

A drive to the hospital had never gone for so long. It wasn't like going there was a common occurrence, although it wasn't as if he and Gracie hadn't hurt themselves in the past. "Aws... why are you crying?"

She didn't know about their kiss yet. He was going to tell her, he just never got around to doing that, he was pretty sure that now wasn't the best time. "He just... seemed so nice. He doesn't fucking deserve this shit." Awsten usually swore a lot when he was mad or stressed or upset. Right now he was all three.

"Please don't swear," she winced, it wasn't even the swearing that was bothering her, Awsten was just driving so fast and it was obvious that he was angry, that he was being destroyed by all of this. "I know there's something wrong."

"Of course there's something wrong!" He hadn't meant to get so aggressive, he saw her quickly sink back into her chair as he tightened his grip on the steering wheel. "I'm sorry... I didn't mean to- I mean," he laughed sarcastically, "he fucking tried to kill himself!"

He was shaking, you couldn't tell because of how tightly he was gripping the steering wheel. Gracie was also shaking, although he was pretty sure it was because he was scaring her. "I know, I do... this is b-bothering me a lot more than I'm leading on."

She glanced back to Awsten who had a steady focus on the road in front of him, it was obvious that he was upset, if the glossiness of the tears creating a film over his eyes and the patchiness of his cheeks didn't give it away, the pure brokenness in his eyes was enough to.

"I liked him... a lot, you know."

"What?"

"I-" she was already starting to blush and stutter before she could say anything else, Awsten already knew what she was going to say, anyway. "I guess I had-have..."

"You have a crush on Geoff?" He sounded like he was in disbelief, it probably made Gracie feel bad, although it was more out of jealousy than anything else; Geoff was his, only his.

She looked out the window to avoid Awsten's line of vision as the blush started to bleed through her skin, "yeah... for a while." Even though Awsten couldn't see her, he could tell that she was still shaking hard, he could hear it in her voice. Maybe this was why Sarah was so mad, maybe Geoff knew? "You can't... tell Sarah that... she'd hate me."

So it wasn't. He sighed, "it's okay, G-Gracie." His voice broke a little as the tears threatened to spill from his eyes, it didn't take long before they finally did. He didn't bother to wipe them away, though, he just let them fall down his face and drip down his neck, into the soft material of his pale-blue hoodie.

He indicated to turn into the parking lot by the Emergency Department, it seemed fairly empty. He tried to get a car space that was close to the door, he didn't feel like walking very far; luckily, he found one.

He had tried to get to the hospital so quickly, he desperately wanted to make sure Geoff was going to be okay. Now, he couldn't even bring himself to open his car door, he just sat in silence with Gracie as they both stalled from having to go inside.

"Apparently he overdosed," Awsten slowly turned to look at Gracie as she spoke, she sounded exhausted, they both were; the last hour had been a long one. "On his old anxiety medication... that's what Sarah told me."

"O-oh," Awsten could feel the tears start coming back, he wasn't even sure when they had stopped in the first place, but his eyes began to sting as the warm tears fell. "Why would be do something like this to himself? Fuck."

"I'm not sure, Awsie... he's been acting, kind of... angry, lately." She sounded confused, running her nails through her hair in an attempt to untangle some of the blonde strands that had knotted together. "I don't think he was in a very good place."

Awsten laughed softly, bitterly to himself, shaking his head in disbelief. "How long? How long has he been acting like that?"

"Maybe... I don't know, Aws, a month?" Thirty-two days. Thirty-two days.

"Oh- fuck." Awsten immediately began to break down, it was his fucking fault, he was sure of it, Geoff probably hated him now.

"What's wrong, Awsie?"

"I-" he shoved the back of his hand to his mouth in an attempt to muffle the loud sobs that were falling shakily from his mouth, his hand was shaking, too, his whole body was. "I kissed him. Fuck- no, he kissed me." He buried his face into his hands as the tears began to spill faster. "I liked it, a lot, I t-think he did, too. We kissed again a-and then we... I-"

He quickly cut off his words and began to cry, he couldn't bring himself to look at Gracie, although he could feel her staring at him.

"Sarah saw us... she got mad and then- he just... stopped talking to me-" he paused to quickly sob into his hand before breathing in heavily. "He t-texted me a few hours ago... when I was outside... he said- he said he needed me! He said he fucking needed me but I didn't go and- fuck, it's all my fault."

He sobbed into her shoulder as Gracie pulled him into a hug over the centre console of his car, his tears were soaking rapidly into the material of her white T-shirt. "Oh, Awsten, It's not your fault." She whispered so quietly that he could barely hear her, he knew it was his fault though, she probably did too. "Awsten?"

He shakily pulled himself away from her shoulder to meet her eyes, quickly using the heel of his hand the wipe the tears that were coating eyelashes. "What?" He could hear the worry in her voice as he tried to figure out what she was about to say, he knew something was off. "Gracie, what is it?"

"Aws... you know that Geoff has a girlfriend, right?"


	32. Stressed

He couldn't believe this. "How long have they been together? How fucking long?"

"Awsten... I don't-"

"Answer the fucking question!" He was yelling loud, the tone of his voice sounded like he was ready to kill somebody.

"Three years- since h-he was eighteen." Her voice sounded so small, she was so scared, Awsten would never do something to hurt her but his whole world was collapsing; he truly believed that it already had. He was wrong.

"Fuck."

"Awsten, I-"

"Stop! Stop saying my fucking name every time you want to talk to me!" He slammed the palm of his hand down on his steering wheel, if he wasn't so weak and thin he probably would have broken it.

"Can you p-please calm down?" She was pressed as far away from Awsten as she could into her seat, it wasn't hard to tell that she was absolutely terrified of him, his mind was preoccupied though.

"C-calm down? He fucking betrayed me, Gracie. I fucking hurt. I probably would have had sex with him if he asked- fuck." The tears stung his eyes as he failed to process everything, at least some things were starting to make a little bit more sense in his head.

"He needs you... lets just go in, find out how he's going, okay?" She sounded a lot calmer than she probably was, he wanted her to be really upset, Geoff had just tried to kill himself.

"I don't care. I don't want to see him or hear about how he is. I don't care."

"Awsten, please-"

"He's not going to wake up, Gracie. I'm going to make fucking sure of it." He spat, he wanted to believe it, he wanted to be able to hate Geoff but he knew he couldn't, he never would.

"Please, don't say that."

"I never want to see him again. I hope he doesn't wake up so I never have to see him again. This is what he wanted, right? He wanted to die. If anything, I'm just doing him a favour."

Gracie wasn't sure how to feel, she blankly looked over at her older brother who had started to break down, completely collapsing onto himself as he let out loose sobs. He was so broken.

"I love him."

He whispered it hoarsely to himself, he laughed a little behind his tears, he had never said it aloud before.

"I love him so f-fucking much and he w-wanted to leave me." Awsten was gone, he had completely broken out in tears and was resting his head against the steering wheel as he sobbed, he didn't have the energy to hold himself up anymore. "I wish I hated him."

"He needs you to love him right now." She didn't know what to do, Awsten was clearly not in the right state of mind to be going to see the boy who had made him this way in the first place. "Do you think you can do that?"

He didn't respond, he could barely get any more words out from how hard he was crying. Everything hurt, his eyes hurt, his throat hurt, his heart was fucking shattered.

"Sarah needs me, too. I think we should go inside." Gracie had put her hand his back and was rubbing small circles into it, it comforted him, although he really didn't want to go into the hospital.

"No," he sobbed, "no, I won't." He couldn't bring himself to be around anyone right now, he was even embarrassed around Gracie. "Are you mad at me b-because I kissed Geoff or because I-I'm gay? I was going to tell you, I-"

"It's okay, Awsie. I'm not mad, it's okay." He wasn't sure if he believed her, she sounded so flat, it was probably exhaustion but it might have been envy, he really hoped that she wasn't upset with him. He was pretty sure that she was all that he had left, he could not lose her, too.

He sat up and brushed his fingers across his cheeks to catch the tears, his face was sticky with half-dried tear tracks. "I think I'm ready," he quickly nodded, he definitely was not ready although he was supposed to be here for Gracie. He had to act like her older brother for once.

"Only if you're sure, Aws." He tried to ignore her saying his name every time that she spoke to him, it was something she did when she was worried or taking care of him.

"Y-yeah," a few more tears fell, he couldn't even get a word out without falling to pieces. "Why d-don't you go see S-Sarah? she needs you... I'll meet you th-there in a bit."

She smiled sadly before quickly shaking her head no. "You need me, too. I'm not going to leave you here all by yourself."

"Thank you," he inhaled deeply before pushing the air back out again. "Fuck- okay, let's go." He opened his door and pulled himself out, he had to hold onto the car at first so that his fragile legs wouldn't buckle underneath his shaking body.

He couldn't stall any longer. He knew that, he wasn't even sure what it was that he was dreading, Geoff was in a fucking coma and he probably wouldn't even be allowed to see him. It wasn't as if he wanted to see him anyway. "Are you okay, Awsie?"

He quickly nodded as he steadied himself, "yeah, I'm good." He took another deep breath before they started to walk in silence, he didn't even know what to say to her right now.


	33. Stalling

He wasn't sure how much longer he could wait to be able to see Geoff. He also wasn't sure whether he'd want to hug him and never let go or if he'd yell and scream and cry at him because he was just so broken.

He would probably do neither, he was a coward after all, he probably wouldn't even be able to drag himself into Geoff's room without freaking out; he would just bail, despite having waited here for five hours already, forced to listen to the sobs and sniffles of all of the infected people who were in the waiting room, as well.

Not like it mattered, anyway, Awsten was only here for Gracie, who was here for Sarah. Geoff was just an afterthought, there was absolutely no reason to even go see him, the only reason that Awsten had even bothered to stay was for his sister who had been asleep for the past two hours on his shoulder.

He was staring at the wall in front of him, he was tired but he didn't want to sleep, the feeling of Gracie's timed breathing was almost hypnotic, though; he could feel himself forcing his eyes open and failing with each tick of the droning clock that was mounted on the white wall above him.

Luckily, there were occasional updates from medical professionals that would make him zone back into reality although his brain didn't quite process the information when it was half asleep; his knowledge on exactly what was happening was very fuzzy.

Geoff was going to be okay. He knew that, at least. The doctors originally thought that it was the overdose on his old Valium prescription that had almost killed him although it was probably from the multiple empty bottles of alcohol that Geoff's parents had found in his bedroom, earlier.

Maybe it was intentional, maybe it wasn't. Awsten was pretty sure he knew, though; Geoff didn't like to drink.

He couldn't let himself think anymore. His mind kept drifting back to Geoff, back to why he wanted to die, back to the girlfriend that he apparently had, how that meant that Awsten wasn't his boyfriend. Did that mean that he was jealous or envious?

Envy. Geoff wasn't his, Geoff was hers. His icy blue eyes, soft smile, the way he always tasted like strawberries or cigarettes, everything that had made Awsten feel pink; that was all hers.

Maybe she was nice, he wouldn't know, she wasn't here which wasn't entirely fair since Awsten had been, for hours, at that. He hoped that just maybe, she was rude or controlling, not like it mattered anyway; Awsten was as bad as it got. He was second best. He probably wasn't even that.

He could feel Gracie flinch a little bit while she slept, the pressure of her resting on Awsten's shoulder had made it numb although he didn't really mind, she needed to sleep, especially since he knew that she probably was not going to let herself miss any class today, it was already past three in the morning.

Sarah was also asleep in the chair next to Gracie, Geoff's parents were with him right now. He was awake, he had been for over an hour although visitation was restricted to family only, part of him was thankful although it gave him the time to get worked up about having to see the older boy, eventually.

He couldn't figure out why his brain was trying to convince him to start having a panic attack again, come on, Awsten, you know you're going to fuck something up, as usual. Luckily, he was much too tired to be listening to the voices, let alone drain all of his energy by initiating a rush of panic over an inevitable decision.

He could feel a slight shake in his fingers, it would come and go, dictated in parallel to his thoughts as they circulated through his head. He reached into the pocket of his black jeans before his fingertips were briefly met with a cold metal article, pulling the safety pin from his pocket before starting to fiddle with it.

He wasn't sure why this helped him calm down, much like how he did not understand why he found so much comfort in obsessing over Geoff, wearing the same clothes, acting the same way; he was trying to become him. Now he just needed a suicide attempt, it couldn't be that hard.

He really did want to smoke a cigarette, that was a good stress reliever, too; if Gracie hadn't fallen asleep on top of him, he probably would have managed to consume an entire pack by now.

It almost happened right on cue, he felt the pressure release off of his shoulder as she lifted her head up a little bit, accompanied by a soft groan before rubbing her eyes. He knew that it was only going to take a few seconds before Gracie realised where she was and started to freak out.

"What... oh- what's happened? D-did I really fall asleep?" she sounded flat, squinting her eyes, he couldn't blame her; being immediately met with sterile lights after waking up was not the most pleasant experience.

"He woke up about an hour ago, he's okay. Its half-three in the morning," he added the last part because he knew that she would ask, it earned him a lazy nod before she rested her head back on his shoulder; he didn't understand how it could be comfortable, it was very boney. "Hopefully, we'll be able to go in to see him, soon- so that we c-can leave soon, so you- we, can get a bit of rest at home," he was starting to get nervous, his fingers moving quickly around the small safety pin.

Gracie had managed to wake herself up completely within a few minutes, she already seemed to have a clearer idea on what was going on than Awsten did. "I know you want to see him," she yawned a little, "I hope you can figure things out with him... I really do think that he likes you, at least as somebody that he can trust."

He scoffed in response, Geoff didn't care about him, he'd deeply forced Awsten into getting a glimpse, just a taste, of pink before slowly, painfully, taking it all away from him again; like picking fathomlessly at a scab until it stops trying to heal.


	34. Sorry

He sat on a low brick wall, looking out at the dark sky and dim yellow lights that lined the street as he lit his fourth cigarette.

Awsten felt his phone vibrate in his back pocket, he'd asked Gracie to message him if there were more updates although he refused to check, taking a long drag of his cigarette, instead.

He got lost in thought, as he often did, staring at the small spots of light that littered the blanket of black that covered the Earth. He breathed more smoke into his body, letting it settle in his lungs before exhaling it back out.

He watched as the cigarette got smaller, eventually too short to be safely held between his fingers. He used his free hand to pull back the blue sleeve of his hoodie, taking the small burning object from between his fingers and pressing the lit end into the pale skin on his wrist until the end had completely ceased burning.

He sighed in satisfaction before pulling the cigarette away from his skin and admiring the dark circle that was left, pulling the material back down to conceal what he'd just done. He slid off the wall to place his cigarette butt in the bin, just like he had with the last three.

He was about to light another but felt his phone vibrate again, pushing the cigarette back into the pack before swapping it for his phone. He pushed the small button to see his phone light up, he had two message notifications from Gracie.

Gracie: Come to recovery, we can see him now.

Gracie: Where are you?

He sighed before sending her a quick text message in reply.

Awsten: coming now

He immediately felt himself get nervous once again, turning his phone off and putting it into his back pocket again before walking back towards the hospital.

He tried to think of an excuse to not have to go see Geoff, though the older boy already knew that Awsten was there and had specifically asked to see him. That made Awsten not want to go in even more.

It was too late to back out now, though. He walked through the automatic doors and towards the recovery wing, immediately noticing Gracie who waved him over, she'd been waiting for him.

"He's awake, you can go see him now," she confirmed, she seemed more lively now, for whatever reason.

"Oh- okay... thanks," he stuttered out, he nodded before walking him towards where Geoff's room was before he quickly started to freak out. "N-no, Gracie, I can't."

She gave him a small smile before taking his hand and giving it a small squeeze. "It's going to be fine, Awsie. I've already seen him, he's pretty wiped out."

He nodded a little, tasting blood before realising that he had been chewing on his bottom lip, hard. "Y-you aren't coming in with me?" She giggled a little bit at his excessive worrying, squeezing his hand lightly again before letting go.

She was already walking away before Awsten could argue anymore, he felt pathetic, what the fuck was he even doing? The younger boy slowly walked towards the doorframe of the hospital room, immediately met by that same soft smile and icy blue eyes that looked so tired.

Geoff's mother and sister were both with him, he felt slightly relieved until they noticed him and stood up to leave, walking past Awsten to leave the two uncomfortably alone.

Awsten walked into the room, met with a hoarse, "hey," coming from the older boy; he really did sound wiped out. Awsten didn't say anything back, though, just giving him a small nod in acknowledgement.

He noticed that Geoff's hair was shorter than the last time he'd seen him, thirty-three days ago, seeing as though it was passed midnight. He was slightly disappointed if he was being honest, it wasn't even long enough to fall over his eyes anymore. He had liked to pull on the long strands when they had made-out, not like he'd ever be doing that again, anyway.

Awsten kept his eyes steadily on the floor, drowning in the uncomfortable silence that made the room go tense between the two of them. He knew that if he let himself make eye contact with Geoff, he'd immediately be hypnotised and say whatever he thought the older boy would want to hear. He had to be honest, right now.

"How have you been?" Geoff's voice was dull and deep, it was almost tempting enough on its own to make Awsten want to cave in, he was so weak, so pathetic.

Terrible. I wanted you but you weren't there. It's been thirty-three days. I've been keeping count... have you? "Fine... I guess."

He stayed standing near the door frame, closing the door to give them a little more privacy, he felt more comfortable when people couldn't listen in on their conversation.

"What about you, Geoff? How have you been doing, huh?" He did not sound sincere, not at all, he sounded so bitter, they could both hear it.

Awsten flicked his eyes over to look at Geoff and back again, satisfied with the look of sadness in the older boy's eyes. He wanted him to feel guilty, he wanted him to understand what he had put Awsten through. "I... I missed you, Aws."

Awsten scoffed a little as his vision got distorted from the tears filling his eyes, soaking them away with the material from his sweater.

"Awsten, please... can you just lie down with me? I've missed you so bad, baby, I-"

"You do not deserve to call me 'baby'," he hissed as the tears started to force themselves down his cheeks, he finally managed to bring himself to look at Geoff, he was too worked up now to go soft.

"Awsten-"

"Fuck you, Geoff." The familiar ache in his chest came back as he noticed Geoff starting to cry as well, he didn't want to be here, he didn't care how broken Geoff was, right now. "Did you think that I wouldn't find out about Chloe? My sister basically fucking lives with you!"

"I'm s-so sorry, okay? I really am. I b-broke up with her last week, Aws. I broke up with h-her because I chose you." It wasn't hard to see the desperation in Geoff's eyes, he was being so genuine, Awsten didn't care.

"You 'chose' me? Is that why you also chose to ignore me for thirty-two days?" He wiped his eyes with the sleeve of his hoodie again although there was no point, the tears were falling faster than he could wipe them away.

"Please, just let me t-talk you..."

"You are a fucking whore, Geoff. I can't deal with this shit. You don't deserve my forgiveness. I don't want to see you ever again in my entire fucking miserable life."


	35. Sensitive

Awsten had never considered himself to be an aggressive person but fuck, he was mad.

He was staring at Geoff as he waited for some sort of retaliation, some sort of excuse or plea but he didn't get one, the older boy just simply nodded as he tried to dry the tear tracks on his cheeks.

"I don't understand why you wouldn't just tell me about her." Awsten's voice had grown significantly quieter, he didn't want to waste what little energy he had left on trying to argue with the older boy. "I'm not even mad because you cheated. Yeah, it's a really fucking shitty thing to do and I know that she must be a lot more hurt than I am, I don't think I could ever understand why anyone would ever want to cheat."

"Awst-"

"Stop- Fucking listen. I'm pissed, Geoff. I'm pissed because I trusted you, I fucking let myself trust you and you threw me away. You ignored me, every single fucking time that I needed you, then you go and do this to yourself, to me, the one time that you apparently needed me. Fuck, I thought it was supposed to be me lying in that hospital bed, except I would have made sure it worked."

Geoff stayed silent, Awsten was glad he did though, he didn't think he'd be able to handle hearing Geoff broken, it was hard enough to be looking at him like this.

"I hope you looked after her, you know? I really hope that you were just fucking honest with her, told her what happened, let her down easily. I can't exactly say that's what I expected you to do, though, can I? How am I supposed to believe that maybe you didn't just throw her away, too? I will not crawl back to you. You don't get to sit back and watch me beg for you to let me come back."

"S-Sarah told her," Geoff's voice broke from how raw it was, Awsten felt like he wanted to throw up from guilt, he had just verified the reasons as to why Geoff should have tried to kill himself. "I c-couldn't do it s-so Sarah did a-and Chloe said that we could work it out but I s-said I didn't want to because- fuck, I don't know. She was t-too good for me, Aws. So are you."

Geoff was only stuttering because small sobs were managing their way out from his voice, Awsten had never seen him this upset before, not even on the day that they had been caught and he'd fought with Sarah.

"I just wish it would have worked."

"Please, don't say that- what the fuck?"

Geoff shifted uncomfortably, he looked like he was in pain, for whatever reason. "I can't talk to Chloe anymore, my p-parents look at me like I'm fucking broken- hell, Sarah won't even do that! She's been ignoring me ever s-since the day she caught us together and fuck, now you're leaving me, too."

"I am not the one who destroyed whatever the fuck it was that we had. I get that you were trying to make things right with her or whatever but you still could have fucking said something to me."

They were both a mess, they were both absolutely exhausted. It was nearly five in the morning, the sun would start to come up soon, Awsten wanted to be home before that. "Why did you come?" Geoff's words were almost inaudible.

"For Gracie."

"No, I don't think you did." He was catching on.

"Fuck you."

And now Geoff was smiling, which only pissed Awsten off more; to say that he was very confused was an understatement. "Aww. Sensitive topic?" Was Geoff seriously trying to provoke him right now?

Awsten stormed over to Geoff and grabbed a fistful of his shirt; he wasn't exactly intimidating but he was getting seriously pissed off with him. "You're lucky that you're already in a fucking hospital bed or I would totally beat the shit out of you."

"Attempt to," Geoff corrected the boy, why was he so cheerful and playful all of a sudden? It was probably just from all of the medication that was being pumped into his blood from the IV drips that were currently connected to the inside of his arms. That would make sense.

He let go of the material balled up in his fist and let it settle back into place across Geoff's chest, lifting his eyes to meet Geoff's, glaring deeply into them and fuck, they were close. "Fuck you."

He already knew what was about to happen before it even happened, he didn't try to resist while everything was starting to fall back into place; partly because he was confused as fuck but mainly because he didn't want it to stop.

He almost immediately melted into the warmth and the soft that spread throughout his body as Geoff pulled Awsten down by the back of his neck as he fluently touched their lips together, both of them quickly starting to form a rhythm as Awsten began to grow more hostile with each movement.

Fuck, he wasn't supposed to be doing this, he didn't even want to be kissing Geoff right now; he was just very sexually frustrated.

He disconnected their lips to smile mockingly at Geoff as they both noticed the once-constant rhythm of Geoff's heart monitor noticeably transition to a much sharper pace. "Are you blushing?" It was Awsten's turn to make fun of Geoff now, he'd never seen him this vulnerable before.

Geoff rolled his eyes at the boy and nearly shoved his upright middle-finger into Awsten's cheek in an attempt to make a point of not being entirely impressed or confident by Awsten's little acknowledgement. 

Awsten could only giggle a little bit before swatting Geoff's hand away from himself, "aww. Sensitive topic?" he mimicked Geoff's words back to him before he stopped leaning on the edge of the hospital bed and properly stood up.

"Fuck you, Knight."

"Fuck you, too."


	36. Sleep

Being mad at someone you care about is a very confusing thing. On a first impulse, Awsten wanted to corrupt Geoff to make him feel awful about everything he did. Once he was bored of that, he just wanted Geoff to love him hard enough to make up for it all.

He was currently driving back to his house through the very light rain that daintily attacked his car. Gracie was asleep in the passenger seat, he decided to let her sleep as long as he could manage to keep her in that state, being very cautious to take a route that would avoid any sudden changes in consistency of the drive and startle her awake.

He tried to keep focused but he was dangerously tired, his body seemed to do weird things to him when it was actually aware of the time and the fact that the sky was fading into light colours that Awsten could not see as the sun stopped cowering behind the mountains.

Every time that Awsten allowed his mind to wonder it would always be attracted straight back to the recent memory in the hospital room. The arguing, the apologies that Awsten couldn't accept, the realisation that Geoff had actually tried to kill himself over the younger boy.

The kiss. That was the one thing that he couldn't keep his thoughts away from, they insisted on repeating every minor detail of it. He felt his chest tighten slightly whenever he thought about it, he wanted that feeling to be from regret but truthfully, it was the same familiar soft that Geoff has always made Awsten feel. That same shade of pink.

It was only an undertone though, he was still, undeniably, very mad at Geoff and it was going to take a lot more than a hate-filled kiss in a hospital room to change that.

By the time they had gotten back to the house, Gracie had started to stir from her sleep, Awsten was thankful because he was pretty sure that he was too weak to carry her inside and up the stairs. He turned off the engine and got out of the car before walking around to Gracie's door and opening it for her.

Her eyes fluttered open as she hugged herself tighter from the cold breeze that washed over her. He helped pull her out of the car before walking inside the house, neither of them said anything to each other before drifting into their own separate bedrooms and immediately falling asleep.

He didn't dream. It was rare that he ever did; when he actually slept, which was also rare. At least he didn't fall a victim to sleep paralysis again or his degrading thoughts, Geoff seemed to be the only thing that managed to keep them away.

He wasn't exactly sure as to what the time was when he got home but it was one in the afternoon by the time that he had woken from his sleep, the sun was flooding brightly through his half-closed blinds that fell over his window.

He pulled part of the blankets over his head in an attempt to stop the light from getting to his eyes, staying like that for only a few minutes before pushing the blankets off and slowly pulling himself out of his bed.

He groaned in displeasure, he just wanted to stay asleep for a little while longer but that would just be impossible with all of the sunlight that was spilling directly into his bedroom, he wished that he would have thought that through earlier in the morning when he had gotten home.

He immediately went over to his window and pulled his blinds shut, not for any other reason than preferring to be in the dark. He opened his wardrobe to find the light pink hoodie that Geoff had given him, he still hadn't washed it, it still smelled very strongly of cigarettes but he didn't care, he wanted to wear it so he did.

He realised that he should probably check on Gracie, he already knew that she had missed a day of school today but he just wanted to see how she was feeling. As he went to open his door he realised that he'd forgotten to close all of his locks when he had come into his room, he was surprised by that, he'd never forgotten them in the past; he was probably just tired.

He knocked gently on her door in the case that she was still asleep although he heard gentle shuffling from inside her bedroom before the door opened, she was already wearing a fresh set of clothes and had a small amount of makeup on, suggesting that she'd already been up for a while.

The good thing about Gracie was that they didn't have to communicate with words, they often just used small gestures to suggest what it was that they were thinking. Gracie gestured for him to come to sit down on her bed, so he did.

She came and sat next to him, "how did you sleep?" She was one of the only people who actually cared how much he slept or ate or looked after himself in general.

"Okay," he nodded, "how are you feeling after, like... everything that happened yesterday?" He still hadn't unblocked Geoff's phone number yet, he wasn't even sure if he ever would; maybe, maybe not.

"I'm okay," her voice sounded small though, she sounded unsure. "It's kind of scary that he could have just... been gone, you know? I've known him my whole life, it just won't settle." Awsten didn't know how to respond so he just looked at her, he understood. "He's back home already, we're going over for dinner with them tomorrow."

He quickly felt his heart drop, he couldn't be around Geoff again, he wasn't ready. "Shit- why? I c-can't..." he trailed off, he wasn't even sure what to say.

He watched as her expression fell as he panicked. "Did you not... work things out with him yesterday? I thought that was the whole point?"

He quickly shook his head no, of Geoff didn't hate him then he certainly did not like him, Awsten had spewed accusations at him for twenty minutes after he tried to kill himself, that probably wasn't the best idea. "Don't worry, it's fine, I-I'll figure it out."

He quickly stood up and left her bedroom, going back to his own and starting to cry.


	37. Scream

The first time that Awsten had gone to Geoff's house for dinner, just over a month ago, he'd been extremely anxious. This time was different- it wasn't anxiety that was closing over his throat, it was dread.

It was now late in the afternoon on a Friday, Awsten was going to be forced to see Geoff in about an hour. He'd tried to get out of going, it earnt him a dark purple bruise that now spread across his pale skin that sat over the right side of his ribcage.

He had cried to himself for the entirety of the previous night, he wasn't even sure what caused him to be so upset. He had this feeling that maybe it was from confusion, he didn't know what he wanted anymore and it was breaking him down even further. His emotions were very conflicted though, they could cycle through every shade on the entire colour wheel in only a few minutes.

He sighed as he stared at the clothes in his wardrobe, he was getting sick of having to sort through them all the time and deciding which shade of grey it was that he felt like wearing that day. He pulled on a clean pair of black skinny jeans, that was what he always wore, as well as the same pale blue hoodie that he had worn the night that he'd gone to see Geoff in the hospital.

He had Dirty Work playing through his speaker in his bedroom. He absolutely hated this album, he used to love it but all that he could think about were the playful fights that he and Geoff used to get into over it, the only reason that he'd decided to play it now was because it just seemed to fit his current mood; hateful.

He knew that it couldn't be too much longer before Gracie was going to knock on his door and tell him that they had to leave, each passing moment was filling his body up with dread, he could feel it spilling from his throat as he stared down at his shaky fingers. It was going to be a long night.

Awsten probably wouldn't have been worried to go if he thought that Geoff wasn't going to be there, just like at Sarah's birthday, except he knew that he would. The only reason they were going to visit was for a 'we're glad you aren't dead' celebration, he has to show up to his own anti-funeral.

He decided to wear a pair of his black boots that he really liked, he wanted to at least be in a comfortable outfit if he had to be removed from the comfort of his bedroom. He already couldn't wear ripped jeans because his parents would have gotten very mad about that and he wasn't exactly in the mood to become a personal punching bag again.

He decided to turn off Dirty Work and sit in silence until he had to leave, which happened almost ten minutes later. He heard Gracie knock quietly on his door, he couldn't explain it but she had this particular knock, it was almost comforting to know that it was Gracie who was on the other side of his door.

He quickly got his phone and tangled earphones before shoving them into his back pocket, also taking his half-empty pack of cigarettes and his yellow lighter before putting them into the pocket of his pastel hoodie.

He rushed to his door and started to unlatch the six locks that were fixed to the back of his door, he used to have seven, except one of them had broken off in a recent argument that he'd had with his father.

By the time that he'd opened his door Gracie wasn't there anymore, she must have been downstairs, he walked carefully down the staircase, cautions not to stand on any creaky floorboards, just in case.

He noticed that Gracie was standing with both of his parents as they were waiting on him, he walked straight past them and to the car though, he wasn't in the mood for an argument that would consist of them complaining about probably being three minutes late and how it would be all his fault.

He shoved his earphones into his ears and started to play his music as his father drove towards Geoff's house, he kept it playing quietly because everyone was sat in silence and he would get in a lot of trouble if his parents could hear it. His father was the one to break that silence. "Don't understand why we have to go," he muttered, he was so against Awsten not wanting to go before. "Kid's fault if he tried to kill himself, it isn't our problem."

Awsten wasn't sure what colour he was feeling, but he was pretty sure that it was very dark red; he was mad. He didn't speak up though, he'd rather not initiate a fight and end up getting killed from being run off the road. On second thought, that didn't actually sound so bad. "Your fault you're just a dick, yet you still make it my problem."

With that, the inevitable screaming started, he smiled contently to himself before turning his music up and staring out of his window. He felt bad that Gracie always had to deal with the arguments and now it was his fault that it started, but he quickly glanced over to her and she didn't look like she really minded all that much.


	38. Suspicious

Awsten hesitated for a suspiciously long time before following everyone else by getting out of the car and walking towards the door.

As far as he was aware, it was only Sarah and Gracie who knew that he had kissed Geoff; even then, they had no idea about the whole shower situation. Awsten already knew that if his parents had found out that he'd kissed a boy, he'd probably lose all of his limbs.

He watched as the door opened after his mother had knocked, revealing Mrs. Wigington who, unfortunately, seemed extra cheerful today. Her son had just tried to kill himself. He could at least hope that she wasn't going to be as enthusiastic as she always was, let alone more.

He wasn't exactly sure what terms he was on with her, he was pretty sure that she hated him but she still managed to smile warmly at Awsten when he walked inside. He smiled back but that immediately dropped when he saw Geoff in the living room, he quickly turned to Gracie as a plea for help but she was already off with Sarah.

He sighed when Geoff signalled for him to walk towards him, away from everyone else. He quickly shook his head in retaliation although Geoff persisted and Awsten finally complied, it would start to become extremely suspicious if he started ignoring the older boy and he didn't want his parents to find out about... everything.

Geoff seemed particularly smiley when Awsten walked towards him, it wasn't the same warm smile that he had gotten from Mrs. Wigington earlier or the same warm smile that he usually got from the older boy. It was a smile that suggested that Geoff was planning on mocking Awsten the whole night, he wasn't exactly looking forward to that.

"What?" Awsten sounded annoyed, he wasn't in the mood for Geoff's mind games today. "I'm still mad at you, don't act all smug like everything is fine," he spoke without breaking eye contact, he wasn't intimidating by any circumstances but he could get stern when he wanted to.

Geoff's expression got darker, it was easy to tell that he was thinking dirty thoughts, Awsten just looked at him in disgust. "I know, sweetheart, that doesn't have to change anything."

"Actually, it does. Stop acting like you have power over me." He spoke quietly enough to be certain that nobody else besides Geoff could hear him, both of their parents were caught up in conversation on the far side of the kitchen, they couldn't. "You don't."

"Actually, my lovely, I do." Everything that Geoff said sounded so dark, it wasn't soft anymore, it was dangerous. "Don't worry. I can prove it." He just scoffed as Geoff walked away, into the kitchen to offer help so that Awsten wouldn't be able to retaliate any further. It really was going to be a long night.

Everyone was starting to sit down around the table, Sarah and Gracie reappeared from the hallway and sat next to each other. Awsten didn't know Sarah well enough to be comfortable sitting next to her, so he settled on sitting next to his mother, as much as he didn't want to.

The food was already layed out on the table as well as the plates, he definitely could not eat tonight. Usually he didn't eat because he was too uncomfortable or awkward or anxious but that wasn't the case this time, he was just not hungry.

The feelings of anxiety immediately rushed through his stomach and chest, he wasn't surprised by this. He payed no attention to the fact that his body was screaming at him as Geoff came over and sat right next to Awsten, very close.

He ignored the older boy, he really did not want to be stuck between his mother and Geoff of all people but his luck certainly did like to put him through some dreadful situations.

Dinner commenced, everyone started and eating and chattering and Geoff was charming Awsten's parents. The pair completely ignored each other for the entire time that the conversations filled the empty and awkward space that surrounded them, Awsten just sat and pushed a bit of food around his plate while everyone else ate.

"I guess I'm pretty passionate about that," Geoff concluded whatever he was saying although Awsten had zoned-out for the last little bit of time, he wasn't sure how long for but everyone seemed as if they were almost finished eating. Whatever it was that he was saying, Awsten's parents seemed pretty interested.

The conversation had moved to a different topic by now, Awsten realised that he hadn't participated in any talking tonight, he'd barely even managed to listen to what people were saying. He decided to just defocus from reality again and go back into his own headspace.

That was suddenly interrupted when Awsten felt Geoff grab his dick from under the table. He was grateful that he had enough self-control to catch the moan that nearly slipped from his throat and instead came out as a low groan, it was barely audible, Geoff seemed to be the only person who heard it. He hoped.

Awsten kept his eyes in front of him instead of looking at Geoff, he already knew what was happening; the older boy was trying to prove that he had power. It was working. Geoff seemed very involved in the conversation still, laughing at something that his sister said while he stared to gently palm Awsten through his jeans. He was lucky that having his mother sitting next to him was a big enough turn off to maintain his self-control.

Thankfully, Geoff moved his hand from his crotch to rest on the younger boy's thigh instead. Awsten felt like he was going to be sick. "Aws, are you okay?"

It was Gracie, he immediately looked at her and shook his head, "don't feel well... need to use the bathroom." He felt Geoff retrieve his hand from Awsten's thigh as he stood up and rushed down to the basement.


	39. Submit

He splashed a bit of water on his face to help him concentrate, bringing his eyes up to the mirror before staring at himself for a minute, trying to figure out exactly what had just happened.

He heard light footsteps as he flicked his eyes to look at the bathroom door in the mirror, watching as it creaked open and a very proud-looking Geoff appeared. "What the fuck was that about?" Awsten tried to keep his voice down but he was absolutely furious.

"Just wanted you to know that I still have authority," Geoff concluded and he smirked at Awsten who was blushing very deeply, before taking him by the wrist and dragging him across the hall and into his own bedroom and closing the door.

Awsten didn't have enough willpower to push Geoff away as he was pushed into the back of the closed door and Geoff's lips started to move along his neck. He let a small, involuntary moan escape from his mouth that made Geoff smile with satisfaction. Before Awsten could say anything, the older boy had now pressed his lips into the boy's and prevented him from making any more noise.

To Awsten's disappointment, he found himself kissing back. Desperately. What he hadn't realised was that he'd been craving this, badly, for over a month, no matter how much he was annoyed with Geoff, he couldn't help himself anymore. This was not how tonight was supposed to go.

He wrapped his arms around the back of Geoff's neck as the older boy's cold hands snaked up the back of Awsten's hoodie and across his soft skin, causing him to shudder. One of his hands dropped from underneath the material and trailed down to the back of the blonde's thigh, lifting it up to wrap around his own body.

Taking the hint, Awsten held himself steady as he wrapped his other leg around Geoff's waist and felt himself get pushed harder against the door, he wouldn't be able to move even if he wanted to, he was firmly lodged between the wall and Geoff's body.

They had managed to keep their lips connected the whole time, Awsten could taste the cigarette smoke and sweetness of strawberries, he wanted more. He felt Geoff run his tongue across his bottom lip before Awsten let him push his tongue into his mouth, he could taste Geoff better now, he wanted him to take over his body.

The older boy rested one of his hands on Awsten's waist and the other just beneath his ass, before disconnecting their lips and carrying the younger boy to the bed before resting him down.

"I'm still really fucking pissed at you," Awsten scoffed before pulling Geoff forcefully on top of him by his shirt, kissing him angrily before pulling away again. "And I would rather you wouldn't try to give me a handjob in front of my own fucking mum- and family, at that, ever again."

Geoff laughed a little, holding eye contact with Awsten as he suddenly grabbed his dick again, "then I'll do it now," he smirked. Awsten wasn't expecting that, once again, which caused him to moan dangerously loud before covering his mouth with his hand in shock. Gracie and Sarah were probably already suspicious as to what was going on, he didn't need the rest of their families to hear.

"Gotta be quiet, baby," Geoff hushed him as he palmed the younger boy, it was pretty hard to do through his jeans, though. Awsten quickly nodded as he kept holding tightly onto Geoff's shirt, this was going to be nearly impossible.

"Off," Awsten tugged on the material of the older boy's shirt, attempting to pull it off although Geoff still managed to do most of the work as he left his hand moving softly against Awsten's crotch. He groaned quietly as he wrapped his hands around Geoff's back, he was fucking gorgeous. "Fuck."

Geoff smirked before harshly kissing Awsten's neck, only pulling his mouth away to take the blonde's hoodie off before he immediately began kissing down his throat again, trying his best to ignore the dark purple bruise that spilled across the boy's ribs. He used one of his arms to balance himself over Awsten's small frame while he moved the other to the button on Awsten's jeans, fiddling with it a little bit until he finally managed to unhook it.

Every time that Awsten moaned, Geoff felt the small vibrations from his throat on his lips, it made them tingle. He trailed the movements of his mouth down Awsten's chest and stomach before they met the waistband of his jeans, undoing the zipper for the younger boy and tugging them down slightly before pulling them fully off, leaving a very hard Awsten exposed in his boxers. Geoff pressed his mouth against the boy's weak V-line before sucking firmly to create a small dark mark on his skin as Awsten threaded his fingers through Geoff's newly short hair.

"See this?" He looked up at Awsten, motioning to the bite he'd just left, "it means that you're mine. Do you understand?" Awsten tightened his grip on Geoff hair but didn't respond, causing Geoff to bring his hand down firmly against the inside of Awsten's thigh, making the skin sting. "Answer me."

He just shook his head, "it's going to take a lot more than a hickey for me to forgive you." He was really about to lose his virginity while having hate-sex. He thought he was above that but everything that was happening right now suggested otherwise. Sure, he'd had sex with girls before, this was different, he'd never been submissive before.

That made Geoff slightly frustrated, moving his face so it was only inches away from Awsten's slightly worried one. "So, what is it going to take, huh?"


	40. Steady

"Fuck me."

Awsten was absolutely terrified, he was pretty sure that Geoff could tell. "Wait- are you sure?"

Awsten nodded. "Quickly." If they spent too much time down here then someone was bound to get curious or worried and come down here. He didn't exactly want to get caught again. Not only that but Awsten wasn't sure how long it would be before he had to leave, he still would need time to clean himself up.

Geoff didn't argue, playing with the waistband of Awsten's boxers before gently tugging them down to reveal the boy's hard dick. He started to softly stroke the boy, earning him a light wimper out of pleasure.

"Do you want me to prep you?" Geoff couldn't be sure if Awsten had ever had sex with another boy before, it wasn't exactly a conversation topic that had come up in the past. Awsten quickly nodded again, he'd gone awfully quiet, this usually happened when he was feeling vulnerable. "Are you okay, baby?"

"Scared," he mumbled a response, "I'm scared. But, I want to. I trust you." His sentences were broken but Geoff believed him, Awsten had never been too shy to voice his thoughts before.

"I'll be gentle, okay?" Geoff confirmed before walking over to his dresser and pulling out lube and a condom, only one of those things were there the last time Awsten had looked in the older boy's dresser, was he planning this? He came back and set the things down on his bedside table, "tell me if you want me to stop."

Geoff unbuckled his belt and pulled his jeans off while the younger boy watched, he felt his heart flutter a little bit when Geoff finally pulled his own boxers off, leaving them both completely naked. Awsten grabbed him by the wrist to pull him back down onto the bed, sitting up a bit more so that his lips could reach Geoff's.

They were running out of time. He would have liked his first time to not be rushed, for them to have been alone, for them not to fuck out of hatred. His sexual frustration had convinced him otherwise. Geoff was the one to part their lips, picking up the lube before opening it and applying a small amount to his fingers. "Are you ready?"

Awsten felt the blood rush to his face as Geoff moved his legs apart, he'd always been insecure about his body, even though he was starting to become more comfortable around Geoff now. He gripped onto the older boy's shoulders as he felt him circle his finger around Awsten's sensitive hole and gently push in.

Awsten gasped a little bit before adjusting to the feeling, it was different to what he'd expected. "Relax, sweetheart," Geoff softly hummed into the blonde's ear, "it's okay." He slowly started to move his finger as he felt him relax his muscles.

Awsten managed to stabilise his breathing pattern and loosening the grip that he had on the older boy's shoulders. "Another," he whispered, nodding when Geoff looked at him for approval.

He felt a pull on his muscles as Geoff slid a second finger into his hole, digging his fingernails into the skin on the older boy's shoulder when he did so. Geoff started to gently move his fingers before he picked up his pace, pumping them in and out of Awsten while the boy strained, trying to hold any noise in.

Geoff scissored his fingers inside of Awsten as he let out a soft moan, quiet enough to not worry either of the two about someone else hearing. "We don't have much time," Awsten quickly suggested before geoff pulled his fingers out, wiping them on his shirt that he had left on the bed. Taking the hint, he picked up the condom and opened it, rolling it onto his mostly-hard dick.

Awsten was staring up at him, he looked so fucking gorgeous, they were both sweating lightly and Geoff's hair was messy from when Awsten had his hands tangled in it. He moved his hands from the older boy's shoulders, wrapping his arms around him so his hands rested on the skin on Geoff's lower back as Geoff lined himself up with Awsten.

"Just tell me if you need me to stop," he confirmed before starting to press his tip into Awsten's tight hole, feeling the boy's fingernails dig lightly into the skin of his back. "Seriously, sweetheart, you need to relax," he began as he pushed his cock a little bit deeper into the boy.

Awsten knew that he wouldn't be able to disguise his moans with shallow whimpers for much longer, bringing his mouth between Geoff's shoulder and neck and softly biting down, the boy's skin would muffle the sound if anything slipped out.

Geoff kept his thrusts shallow at first until he could feel Awsten starting to relax and his hole loosen, starting to slide in deeper each time until shoving the entire length of his shaft into the smaller boy. Awsten bit down and Geoff didn't seem to mind as he sped up his thrusts, brushing lightly past the boy's prostate.

Awsten held his jaw locked tightly, he would have definitely bruised the skin and nearly drawn blood; it definitely helped though, his deep moans were quiet enough as they absorbed into Geoff's skin. He felt Geoff use his hand to grab a fistful of his blonde hair before roughly pulling hard on it, forcing Awsten to let go of the skin between his teeth and let Geoff pull his head back.

He hadn't realised but he still had his fingernails firmly dug into the older boy's back, he didn't plan on releasing the tension anytime soon, his whole body was tense. Geoff had slowed down significantly but was thrusting deeper as they both neared their climaxes, letting his head rest on Awsten's neck while he panted into the boy's skin.

Awsten pulled Geoff's chin up so that he could attack the older boy's lips with his own, breaking away to shallowly moan into his mouth as he felt his stomach tighten. "I'm going to come."

Geoff's forehead had moved to rest against Awsten's, the younger boy felt him nod. "Me too." He could taste Geoff's breath as he spoke, it was addictive. Awsten dragged his fingernails down Geoff's back as the pressure became too much for him to handle.

"Fuck, Geoff," he breathed as he felt the knot in his stomach loosen as he came, strings of hot come covering the older boy's stomach. "Fuck." Awsten panted while his orgasm ceased, he could tell that Geoff was close but he was too sensitive to take any more. "Pull out."

Geoff was too sexually involved to pay any attention to what Awsten was asking so he had to push the older boy off of him, he really couldn't take it, he wished he could.

He knew it would be unfair for him to leave Geoff like this so he took his dick in his hand and started to pump it up and down Geoff's shaft until he came into the condom, leaving them both breathless messes.


	41. Somnolent

Awsten was exhausted. He was already almost half-asleep as he curled in on himself on top of Geoff's bed.

"Come on, baby, we have to get you cleaned up," Geoff started before earning himself a stern grunt in return from the tired boy, Awsten had never felt more comfortable in his life, despite the light pain that he was starting to feel from the interaction that he had just participated in.

He felt Geoff take a blanket from the end of the bed and lightly wrap it around Awsten's naked body before scooping him up, he would have protested but he didn't have enough energy, he couldn't even put any of his clothes on. Geoff carried him across the hallway and into the bathroom before sitting him down on the counter, adjusting the blanket to wrap around the boy's bare shoulders.

He was so tired that he could barely hold himself up, hazily watching as Geoff started to wet down a face towel and began to wipe over Awsten's stomach and legs. He flinched at the contact, "cold," he mumbled but he doubted that Geoff could understand what he had just said, considering how quiet his voice just was.

He tried to keep his eyes open while Geoff continued to wipe any come that was left on the boy's skin, being extra gentle as he wiped over Awsten's bruises before lightly kissing them. He finally got around to cleaning himself off, at least the older boy had bothered to put his jeans back on, unlike Awsten. "Come on, baby boy," Geoff hushed while washing off the towel with some more water, placing it down again before picking Awsten back up off of the counter, still wrapped in the blanket.

"Geoffy," Awsten mumbled into the boy's chest as he was carried, bridal-style, back into the older boy's bedroom. "Don't wanna... go home. Want cuddles," he whined, "sleepy."

"I know you are, sweetheart," Geoff carefully lay the boy back down on his bed before going over to his dresser and taking out spare boxers and a sweater, eventually helping Awsten change into them once he had realised that he wasn't going to do it himself. Geoff pulled the blankets on his bed over to cover the smaller boy, pushing Awsten's hair back off of his face before gently kissing him on the head. "Get some sleep, baby."

Awsten was already mostly asleep although he couldn't help but smile a little bit, he wasn't worried about his family; he'd just heard the bedroom door close which he assumed was Geoff going back upstairs to clear things up.

Geoff felt everyone staring at him as he slowly walked up the staircase, feeling everyone judging, feeling everyone knowing exactly what he'd just done to Awsten. Of course they weren't, everyone was too busy being caught up in chatter in the kitchen as Awsten's parents seemed just about ready to leave. It was past nine, anyway.

He quietly wandered into the kitchen until somebody acknowledged him being there, it was Awsten's dad. "Where is he? Is he okay?" He didn't sound genuinely worried, though, it sounded more as if he was getting annoyed.

"Yeah, he's okay," Geoff mumbled while playing with his fingers, desperately trying to find an excuse as to why Awsten had left the table and what had taken them both so long. "H-he, uh... had a panic attack and- and he- I helped him calm down a bit but... he was really, um... exhausted? He f-fell asleep in my room. Should I... wake him up? I mean, I-I don't mind, I can drive him home tomorrow... only if you want, I think that h-he should get some rest, though."

Nobody seemed to pay any attention to how nervous Geoff seemed, he felt so transparent, like everyone could see straight through him. He waited for a response, expecting some sort of remark to expose him along with it although he only got a small nod and shrug before Awsten's parents were calling out to Gracie to come out from Sarah's room, they were leaving.

Geoff hung around until their guests left, cautious to be extra polite because he knew that one of his mother's biggest pet-hates was people leaving the family table, especially when guests were over, he didn't want to push her any further.

He wished that he could have gone straight back to his bedroom to hold Awsten as they both fell asleep, instead of hanging around to say goodbye and agreeing when his parents asked him to 'stay out and spend some time with his family', which mainly consisted of him sitting in the living room with his family while they all went on their phones.

By the time that it had hit eleven, Sarah had already managed to convince her parents that she was tired and wanted to go to bed, so Geoff decided to do the same, yawning and saying goodnight. He wandered back downstairs before walking into his bedroom, closing the door behind him.

He immediately noticed that his bedroom lights were all still on, it didn't seem to have bothered the boy that was very deeply asleep in his bed, though. Geoff took a lighter from his pocket and flicked it open, touching the flame to the wicks of his strawberry candles as they lit, turning off his other lights so that the only illumination in his bedroom was coming from the fire.

He bunched together his dirty clothes before taking them up to the laundry, luckily Awsten's were still clean so that he could wear them home in the morning. Geoff was also fairly tired by the time that he came back down to his room, crawling into the space next to Awsten on his bed even though he had told his parents that he would sleep on the floor, wrapping his arms around him gently, careful not to wake him.

He left his candles flickering softly as he fell asleep, cradling Awsten to his chest.


	42. Sweater Weather

Awsten's eyes fluttered open, forcing him into a split-second of panic before he realised that he was still at Geoff's house.

There was pressure around his stomach from where Geoff was still holding him, he found himself immediately relaxing into the older boy's body. He shuffled around in Geoff's grip to face him, smiling up at him when Awsten's vision was met with ice-cold blue. "Morning, baby."

He closed his eyes again and buried his head into Geoff's, unfortunately, clothed chest, the whole room smelled like strawberries and sweat, his candles had burnt out overnight. If Awsten was being completely honest, the mix of Geoff's scent and morning voice was very hot.

Awsten grunted lowly as a reply, he didn't want to talk, he was still waking up. He slid one of his hands underneath Geoff's shirt and traced his fingers across the boy's warm stomach, the other clutching at the material, feeling his chin being lifted up before Geoff gently touched their lips together.

Awsten was the one to pull away, rolling onto his back to stare up at the ceiling, rubbing his eyes with the heels of his hands to try to rub away the soft haze that coated them. He lulled his head to the side to look at Geoff, who was still staring at him.

He furrowed his eyebrows as he stared back, only being able to hold the gaze for a few seconds before having to break it. His eyes settled back on the plain white ceiling, to the posters on the wall, back to the ceiling. He was suddenly feeling very shy, very exposed to Geoff, who had just seen him completely vulnerable.

He cradled his arms around himself, he was still in the overly-large sweater that Geoff had let him borrow, the sleeves covered his hands and if he stood up, the bottom of the material would rest just above his knees. Maybe Geoff would let him have this one, too. He didn't think that he could live in the other pink hoodie he had been given for the rest of his life.

He dropped one of his hands to his side to help push him up into a sitting position, wincing at the sudden burst of pain that coursed through his lower back, immediately sliding back to how he was before. He waited for some sort of snarky remark from Geoff, it never came.

"Are you sore, baby?" The older boy sounded genuinely worried, pushing Awsten's hair out of his face after he'd nodded and it had all fallen over his eyes. "You feel hot, sweetheart. Do you feel like you have a fever?" He trailed his fingers down the side of the boy's face and across his cheekbones, gently caressing his skin.

Awsten had never told Geoff that pet names turned him on but he must have figured it out at some point, he never said anything without one. "No," Awsten shook his head, "wanna cuddle." He got flustered when he was nervous, he didn't feel sick from a fever, he couldn't help but worry that Geoff wouldn't like him after they'd had sex. Maybe he wasn't good enough? Maybe Chloe was better?

He discarded those thoughts as Geoff pulled Awsten into his chest and wrapped his arms around the boy's small frame, tangling their legs together from under the blankets. Geoff felt warm pressed tightly against him. He wanted to stay here forever.

Awsten got a rush of shivers as Geoff ran his hand under the boy's sweater, drawing small circles on his hips with his thumbs. He honestly wished that Geoff would stop making him feel things, he'd be better off without him. It was starting to get extremely difficult to distinguish the faint line between manipulation and genuine affection.

Either way, whatever Geoff was trying to do was working. Awsten didn't want to move. "Aws, I have to take you home," Geoff was starting to sound more awake by now, Awsten didn't think that the older boy would be the one to suggest that, he thought he'd be the one fighting for Awsten to stay. He was right, anyway.

"Now? It's only-" he glanced over at the clock, it was hard to tell what it read from not only this distance but also the lack of light in the room. "Eleven. That's not that late, it's not even afternoon. Are you trying to get rid of me?" Awsten was only playing around but his mood dropped slightly when he noticed that Geoff wasn't teasing back.

"Yeah, now." It wasn't harsh, Awsten was just expecting Geoff to be a little bit more attached after the events of the previous night. "You're clothes are still clean from last night, you can get changed in the bathroom." Awsten felt Geoff take his hand off of his hip, sitting up slightly.

"Oh-okay," Awsten nodded before trying to pull himself up off of the bed, it hurt but he was more cautious this time, he was half-expecting Geoff to tug him back down onto the bed and say he was just joking. He didn't. He went to get his clothes that were bundled up on top of Geoff's dresser, completely aware of his slight limp. He tried to ignore it though, it was going to be hard to cover up.

He went into the bathroom, first taking off his- Geoff's sweater, leaving him just in boxers. He carefully brushed his fingers over the dark love bite that the older boy had left, mine. Awsten just hoped that Geoff didn't regret it.


	43. Subtle

Awsten never looked as good in his own clothing. Maybe it was because Geoff's clothes were always too big and so cuddly. Maybe it was just because he knew that they were Geoff's.

His pale blue hoodie that he was wearing the night before was not nearly as appealing as Geoff's, whatever colour it was. He pulled on his boxers and jeans before washing his face with cold water from the tap.

He knew that he was overthinking, too. Geoff hadn't even been distant this morning, he only seemed a little desperate to get Awsten out of the house, there was probably a valid reason to that. Maybe it would be suspicious to his family if Awsten stayed for longer than necessary? He didn't even know what Geoff had told everyone to get them to let him stay overnight, he'd have to ask.

He picked up the clothes that Geoff had let him wear off of the floor and wandered back into the older boy's bedroom, who'd managed to get into different clothes in the time that he was in the bathroom, as well. "You look nice," Awsten smiled while handing Geoff back his small bundle of clothes, he did look nice though, unripped black skinny jeans and a dark button-up shirt. "Oh-what colour is your sweater?"

"Hmm? Oh. It's yellow," his mind seemed preoccupied. "It's Chloe's favourite." He wasn't even paying any attention to what he was saying by the sound of things, subconsciously taking his sweater and boxers from Awsten, all while being very caught up in a text conversation.

Awsten stared, confused at the older boy who was still looking at his phone. "What has she got anything to do with it?" He sighed with impatience as Geoff ignored him, quickly typing something into his phone and subtly smiling, something was off. "Geoff- fucking look at me."

"Huh?" He flicked his attention away from his phone for a second before turning it off and throwing it onto his bed. "What has who got to do with what?" He furrowed his eyebrows while he tried to study the blonde's face, trying to figure out what was pissing the boy off.

Awsten rolled his eyes. "Chloe." He waited to see if Geoff was listening to him at all before, he mustn't have been. "With your sweater? You said that it was her favourite." He stood and watched the cogs turn in the older boy's head. His eyes flicked away from Geoff's face to his phone on the bed, to the sweater in his hands, back to his face. Phone, sweater, face. "H-Holy fuck. You fucking liar! Y-You're still fucking seeing her, aren't you? Oh my god."

Awsten was going to be sick. He could barely see the expression present in Geoff's face from the cloud of tears that were threatening to spill over his eyelashes. "Awsten, please calm down. Yes, I'm going out to see her, okay? Don't be fucking jealous. She's the last three years of my life. You're, what, a month? Last night was fun. I just don't think that I'm gay. I'm sorry."

His heart was lost in the pit of his stomach and he was trying to control his heaves as to not to throw it up. "Y-You took my f-fucking virginity. You t-took my fucking v-virginity, for what? A n-night of fun?" Awsten didn't care who heard them anymore, he was so fucking mad and it wasn't as if nobody would notice his limp, anyway. "Please, just take me home," his voice suddenly fell to become quiet, cracking with broken sobs that he couldn't contain. "P-Please, I wanna go home now. I wanna go home."

"O-Okay," Geoff went to touch Awsten's shoulder but he thrashed it away, causing Geoff to stumble backwards again. "Awsten, I'm sorry. I'm just trying to figure things out."

Awsten sniffled, keeping his eye contact strictly anywhere but on Geoff as salty tears rolled down to his neck, stinging the raw skin on his cheeks. "I wanna go home," it was barely audible this time. He knew he should never have come back, never have crawled back just like he said he would. Of course, he ended up doing that. Of fucking course. "I can't. Fucking. Believe you."

He was grateful that Geoff didn't say anything else, he couldn't deal with listening to his voice right now. He'd been manipulated again. The older boy stared at Awsten for a moment, his eyes look genuinely apologetic which only made the smaller boy mad. He followed Geoff out of the bedroom when he'd finally decided to give up on winning the fight today, limping up the staircase as he went up, he really needed to figure out a way to stop that.

"Morning, boys. You're up late," Awsten froze at the sound of Geoff's dad chuckling, he faked a smile in return. "Did you want something to eat before you go, Awsten?" At least he seemed nice, Awsten would have relaxed around him if he wasn't worried about the pain that was very noticeable in his lower back.

"N-No, thank you," he just wanted to go home, he couldn't tolerate having to be around Geoff for much longer. He was already dreading being in a car with him. "Thanks for the offer, though. I-I think I'll just eat when I get home." He already knew that he wouldn't but he'd began to walk as normally as he could towards the door, Geoff following behind him.

He just wanted to go home.


	44. Shameful

Silence seemed to be trendy when it came to shameful car rides.

Awsten wanted to be in any other situation than he currently was. He wanted to be doing anything else but shifting uncontrollably from discomfort and pain in the passenger seat of Geoff's car as the older boy kept looking at him and thinking 'I did that to you'.

Awsten sighed with impatience as he squirmed to find a position that was comfortable to sit in, he couldn't. "Proud, huh?" Awsten whispered when he noticed Geoff glance away from the road and over at him another time. "Proud that you managed to manipulate me into letting you take something so fucking important from me?"

"Awst-"

"You know, it may not seem like a big deal to you but I was really hoping to let someone I love take my virginity. I've been waiting. I thought you were that person. But you are literally some loser who lives in his parent's basement and is so sexually controlled that he doesn't care that he's actually tearing apart the world of a boy who didn't realise his life could even get any more broken. Sound familiar?"

"Will you please let me say someth-"

"No. Let me talk, I'm not done with you yet. Can you believe that I fell for a twenty-one year old that has nothing better to do than steal hearts from insecure nineteen year old gay boys even though he's 'straight'? Fuck, that's confusing." Awsten laughed bitterly to himself at the thought. "Just because you aren't a twink doesn't mean that I can't tell that you are one of the gayest people I've ever met."

Geoff scoffed at Awsten's comment. "I'm not fucking gay. I guess I know now, I tried it." He tried to keep his composure as he drove just above the speed limit, he was starting to get upset, or maybe mad, or maybe both.

"I take offence to you taking offence to being called gay. And I guess you're only disproving you're own point by getting defensive over that... because you're scared." Awsten smiled as the older boy started to get more mad. "You're scared because you already know what I know. I know you're gay. When are you gonna tell her, huh? When are you just going to say to Chloe, 'I'm gay'?"

"Awsten- I'm not talking about this right now. I'm not gay, I've already told you."

"Bisexual, then." That made more sense, Geoff wouldn't have stayed with Chloe for so long unless he was even a little bit attracted to her, unless he was just doing what Awsten was with his last girlfriend. He didn't seem like the type. "It's not so bad, Geoff. Seriously, say it out loud, it will make you feel better."

He stared at Geoff who was concentrating on the road ahead of him, he looked like he was about to cry, his chest felt hollow where it used to feel angry. Geoff was closeted and was terrified, Awsten could empathise with that.

"P-Pull over Geoff," he knew it wasn't safe for him to be driving like this, relieved when the older boy drove off onto the side of the road and shut off the car, sighing loudly as he stared at the cars driving past. "Say it. 'I'm gay', 'I'm bi', 'I'm pan', whatever the fuck you feel like you are. Just say it."

"I'm straight," Geoff's voice was hollow, almost as if no sound was coming out. "I'm straight, Awsten. I keep telling you this." Awsten was getting in his head, he knew exactly how Geoff was feeling, he just had to get him to admit it.

"Stop lying to yourself. Stop lying to me. You can tell me, I won't tell anyone else. I promise." He rested his hand gently on Geoff's thigh, rubbing it in small circles to calm him down, he was about to cry, Awsten could tell. "It's okay, you can tell me. Just say it."

"I-I'm straight," Geoff's voice broke lightly as he stared down at Awsten's hand, not making any attempt to push it away, too busy trying to prevent any tears from rushing out. "I l-like girls. I'm straight. I'm f-fucking straight." Geoff covered his mouth as he let an involuntary sob escape from it. "I-I'm straight."

"It's okay," Awsten left his hand brushing across the material of the jeans that sat on Geoff's thigh, he could tell it was comforting the older boy. "You're doing well, you'll feel so much better if you just tell me, I promise. I'm not gonna judge you, okay? Nobody's gonna judge you."

"I-I'm..." Awsten felt his chest sink at the genuine fear of worry in Geoff's wide eyes, watching the older boy violently shake his head. "No. I'm s-straight. I am. Can you please believe me? I wanna take y-you home now. I'm straight, s-stop... telling me I-I'm not." He was a mess by this point, tears were falling onto his shirt and jeans, occasionally dripping onto Awsten's hand that was still positioned on Geoff's thigh. "I just wanna take you home and then take myself home. I wanna see Chloe because... I-I like... her."

"Okay," Awsten retracted his hand from Geoff's leg and sat it back in his own lap. "If you genuinely believe that you're telling me the truth, genuinely think you're telling the truth and not just what you wish the truth was, then I'll let you take me home." He immediately noticed Geoff's expression grow subtly with disappointment when Awsten took the contact away from his thigh.

Geoff sighed, biting on his bottom lip softly, the longer he sat to think the harder he started to bite down. Eventually he broke the soft skin and his teeth started to turn a glossy red from the blood diluting with his saliva. At least his tears had stopped for the most part.

"Don't do that," Awsten undid his seatbelt and leaned over the centre console of the car to gently tug Geoff's lip out from the hold of his teeth. "You're bleeding," Awsten noticed the spot of blood that was quickly growing on the left side of Geoff's mouth from where the point of his tooth must have been cutting in. He brushed his thumb softly over the small cut on Geoff's lip, leaving it to linger there for a small moment while Geoff desperately stared at the small blonde boy.

"Awsten?"

Geoff's eyes were dark, probably red from tears as the glossiness started to return to how it was a few moments before, tears rising back into his eyes. Awsten trailed his thumb gently down Geoff's lip and chin, leaving a small trail of blood with it. "Mmhmm?"

"I-I'm gay."


	45. Soothe

Geoff was desperately searching for some sort of validation in Awsten's expression as he covered his mouth with his hand as his sobs were falling rapidly out of his mouth.

"O-Oh my g-god. I-I'm gay." He was absolutely hysterical, Awsten didn't know what to do except keep some sort of skin contact and constantly reassure him that everything was going to be okay, it was okay. "I-I'm... fuck."

"I know you are," Awsten had returned his hand back to its original position on Geoff's thigh, the other hand holding tightly onto Geoff's larger one, the one that he didn't have clasped over his mouth. "I'm so, so proud of you, Geoff. So proud."

"Y-You h-hate me." Awsten let go of Geoff's hand to wipe away the tears that were falling down the older boy's cheeks, he could barely wipe them away as they fell, so quickly. "I d-don't want y-you to hate m-me but you d-do."

Awsten quickly shook his head. "I don't hate you, I promise. I'm not going to pretend that I'm not mad about the whole thing with Chloe but I don't hate you." Awsten rested his hand on Geoff's cheek as his tears ran over the younger boy's fingers and under the palm of his hand, they both just needed skin contact right now. "It's going to be okay. I don't hate you, I promise."

To say that Awsten was struggling to calm Geoff down was an understatement, the older boy was now hyperventilating. "Oh. My. G-God. You should h-hate me. I want y-you to hate me, I deserve it. I d-deserve it, it would make me feel b-better. I deserve it." Geoff bit down on his bottom lip again to try to maintain his sobs but he only ended up opening the very fresh cut on his lip again.

"Geoff," Awsten moved both of his hands to support the sides of Geoff's head, forcing him to look at the blonde boy. "Geoff, I need you to calm down, okay? It's going to be okay. Just breathe with me, yeah?" He was glad to see some sort of positive response from Geoff, even though it was just a small nod. "Okay. Breathe in. One... two... three... four." Awsten emphasised his breaths so that the older boy would be able to physically see Awsten's chest rising and falling in time. "-And back out. Five... Six... Seven... Eight... Nine... Ten. You're doing so well. Let's do it again, okay?"

Geoff was barely keeping time with Awsten's breathing as his respirations were coming out unsteadily and shakily, Awsten didn't mind though, it was clear that he was trying to mimic the younger boy and that's all that mattered. Awsten kept a steady rhythm as he counted for Geoff's breaths, reassuring the older boy with the steady eye-contact that they were holding.

Awsten stopped and let Geoff take over in his head when he'd noticed that the older boy's tears had stopped falling and his breathing pattern had returned -somewhat- to normal. "Are you feeling better, now?" Awsten brushed his thumbs over Geoff's cheekbones to wipe away any tears that still stained his cheeks, all he wanted to do was care for Geoff right now.

"Mm," Geoff grunted in response, slightly nodding his head to signal 'yes'. For two reasonably shy people, Geoff and Awsten were having a lot of trouble breaking eye-contact, it wasn't uncomfortable, it was quite soothing, actually.

Awsten smiled a little, "I'm glad." He furrowed his eyebrows as he looked at the spot of blood again from the reopened cut on Geoff's lower lip. "Hey- you're bleeding again." Awsten dabbed at the blood with his thumb again before wiping it on his jeans, there wasn't any more blood on Geoff's chin from all of the crying he'd just done, washed away by tears and saliva.

"I'm such a dick to you," Geoff whispered awfully quiet, Awsten could hear the genuine guilt in his voice. "All because I couldn't tell you- the gay boy that I was hooking up with, that I had feelings for him." He sighed, flicking his eyes down to his hands in his lap, Awsten was still touching his face. "I'm so sorry. I don't expect you to forgive me, ever. I'm so sorry."

Awsten shifted himself so that he could be sitting closer to Geoff, it was extremely awkward while sitting in a car and the pain in awsten's back that still was controlling him. He pulled Geoff's chin down slightly with his finger as he brought his own lips only a few inches away from the older boy's. "Do you have feelings for me, Geoff?" Awsten hushed, he could taste the air that Geoff was breathing out. "Hmm?" He ran his hand from the older boy's chin to his neck, his other hand pushing the hair off of Geoff's forehead that was stuck there with sweat.

"Mmhmm," he nodded his head needily. "Fuck, Awsten. Yes. You're so fucking hot. Yes." Geoff's breath got caught in his throat as he felt Awsten start to brush his thumb over his lip again, furrowing his eyebrows. "D-Did my cut open again?"

Awsten giggled a little bit and shook his head. "No, your lips are just so soft." Awsten stared at where his thumb was sitting for a long time before staring up into Geoff's icy-blue eyes again, holding a soft gaze. There was just something about having his eyes stared into that always made Awsten want to collapse.

Awsten didn't think that Geoff was lying this time. He could just hear how genuine it was when the older boy had admitted to being gay, not even bisexual, gay. He couldn't tell whether he would regret this later or not but that was later and this was now.

Awsten knew what he wanted, he was very stubborn.


	46. Sentiment

And what Awsten wanted was to make Geoff his.

He already knew that he was obsessed with the boy, wearing his clothes constantly and smoking cigarettes, trying desperately to become a personalised replica of him. Obsession was so indoctrinating.

Awsten closed the gap between their mouths for a short moment before pulling away again, sinking back down into his seat. He looked over at Geoff who appeared to be disappointed by the loss of contact. "Not here," Awsten motioned to the traffic that was still passing by the stationary car, "-And how am I supposed to know that you actually choose me this time?"

"B-Because... I'm gay." Geoff exhaled heavily and smiled a little bit. "I'm gay, Awsten." He'd managed to calm himself down by this point, his thoughts had straightened out. "I-I like you. I... not Chloe. I like you." Geoff furrowed his eyebrows as he stared out of the windshield ahead of him. "I think? Fuck, I don't know, Aws. This is too confusing, I can't do this."

"Geoff, it's okay. Don't freak yourself out." Awsten did the one thing he knew would work and put his hand on Geoff's leg, he didn't know where a safety pin was. It always seemed to work. He watched as the older boy tried desperately not to start panicking again, breathing steadily while he counted to himself. "I don't expect you to know just yet. You'll figure it out."

"I didn't lie to you, Aws." Geoff whispered as if he had some major secret that he was trying to conceal from the rest of the world and if he spoke any louder than everyone would suddenly know what it was. "I-I know- we both know, that I like boys. I don't even th-think that I like girls, at all. I'm supposed to. I'm supposed to like Chloe. Fuck, am I broken?"

Awsten smiled a little, he wasn't sure why, there was something about Geoff admitting that he had feelings for the boy that made him feel validated. "You aren't broken," he sighed a little to himself, was he supposed to feel offended? "Just because I'm broken and gay doesn't mean the two are related. Why are you so scared about it anyway?"

Geoff just shook his head before turning the engine of his car back on again. "Doesn't matter. I guess I just don't wanna hurt Chloe or disappoint anyone." He indicated before turning back onto the road, continuing the drive to Awsten's house. "Can I ask you something?"

"Mmhmm," Awsten hummed as he looked at Geoff, partially with worry and partially with desire, he couldn't decide which was stronger. "What is it?"

"When did you know? That you were gay?" He tapped his fingers anxiously against the steering wheel as he spoke. "Like, actually knew. I'm not talking about that... feeling. When did you know?"

Awsten sighed. "I got the 'feeling' when I was fifteen. I knew when you kissed me. I really knew when you kissed me." He hummed out a sigh as he looked out his window, quickly glancing over at the older boy who was blushing deeply, it made him smile.

"W-What made you get the feeling?" He sounded upset again, Awsten really did feel bad for him, it seemed like it was going to be a long day for the older boy.

"I dont know, little things..." Awsten smiled while he got lost in thought. "I think the first time that I was like 'oh, shit' was when I realised I was... like, jerking off to the guys in porn instead of the girls."

Geoff laughed quietly but it was pained, the younger boy could hear it. "I got the feeling when... it's pretty fucked up..." Awsten watched him sigh, taking one hand of the steering wheel of the car and run it through his hair in frustration. "I g-got the feeling the... the first t-time that I had sex with Chloe. I knew last night... when I had sex with you."

"O-Oh." They were both blushing messes, something about what Geoff had just said had made him feel so soft once again. "Why did you have plans with Chloe, then? I-I dont... I thought I'd lost you this time."

"What do you mean 'lost me'?" Geoff sighed a little bit to himself. "-And because I... I don't know. I thought maybe I would feel differently about you if I just... tried to feel something for her again."

Awsten fiddled with his fingers, he was never good at holding conversations. "I mean... I-I like you, Geoff. A lot. And I thought I was gonna have to... you know, 'break up' with you. We aren't even together, I don't know why I'm making such a big deal out of this." His whole body felt shaky, he hated getting personal, couldn't they just go back to making out? "Do you not want to feel anything for me anymore?"

Geoff's car bounced slightly over the bumps as he rolled into Awsten's driveway, pulling back on the handbrake. "If I'm being honest, for everyone else's sake, no. I wish I didn't feel anything for you." Geoff turned to look at Awsten while he spoke. "But, I do and there's nothing that is going to change that. Fuck, I actually really like you. So, I guess I'm gonna have to learn to live with that. I guess it doesn't seem so bad, either."

At least the mood has lightened slightly as Geoff smiled, Awsten didn't care that within the next few minutes he would have returned back to his house and family and things away from the older boy.

"-And I guess that starts with me cutting things off with Chloe. I'm ready to do that." He sighed and ran his hand through his hair, letting it slide down the back of his neck and fall back into his lap. "Maybe then you'll say yes when I ask you."

"Ask me what?"

"I want to be able to call you mine."


	47. Slur

He wasn't sure why he'd decided it would be a good idea to join his family at the dinner table once again. It never was.

He didn't want to eat. He didn't want to speak. He had to try his hardest not to allocate some space for his thoughts to flourish for even a moment, condensing them into the walls of his headspace. If he wasn't careful, he would let himself blush at the thought of Geoff, he really couldn't risk that right now.

"-Can you believe that? I have to work with that faggot for another three weeks." Awsten pretended that he didn't choke on his own saliva as the slur spilled from his father's mouth, he didn't even know what the conversation was about, he pretended that his interest hadn't peaked. He was grateful that Gracie had ignored it too and decided not to look at Awsten to gauge his reaction, both of them trying their hardest not to drop hints about anything.

Awsten was a faggot. Being gay didn't make him a bad person but that didn't mean that he wasn't. Was he a bad person? That wasn't something that he could decide for himself, his intentions always seemed to be corrupted, according to everyone else.

It had been about six hours since his car ride with Geoff, he'd think that by this time he'd be sick and tired of having to listen to one sentence on repeat. Truthfully, he couldn't get enough of it.

I want to be able to call you mine.

He wanted to be able to call Geoff his, too. Geoff was right, though. He wasn't ready to commit to that yet, he couldn't trust Geoff, as much as he wanted to.

All things considered, Awsten didn't know Geoff very well, he hadn't known him for a very long time, either. He could be patient, he could wait, he needed to let Geoff have a bit of time to figure out what it was that he truly wanted, if he was going to commit to Awsten as much as the boy was going to commit to him.

"-Can you believe that I've worked around him for so long?" Aggressive. The conversations at the dinner table always seemed to be between his parents about their jobs. Coming out was something he definitely would never be able to do. "Just glad that I'm transferring."

"Awsten, what's going on?" His mother must have picked up his perky behaviour, he knew that he wasn't very good at disguising it. He rested the fork that he'd been fiddling with back down on his untouched plate of food. This conversation would either go the way he'd hoped, or would lead to the end of his life.

"O-Oh, I mean- I guess... I didn't know that dad was transferring?" He subtly ran his hand gently over his clothed thigh, squeezing softly. He pretended it was Geoff's hand that was comforting him. It helped.

"Of course you wouldn't know. You're never here, or when you are, you leave to have to leave for some make-believe reason. Like last night, you could have joined in on our conversation instead of running away with your 'panic attack'."

He was confused, to say the least. "What panic-" he heard Gracie snicker before he realised, that was Geoff's excuse. And now Gracie knew. Not like she hadn't been paying extra close attention to his limp and constant squirming in his seat anyway. "Y-Yeah, uh... sorry. I'm sorry."

He sent a playful kick at Gracie's leg from under the table, he wished that they were alone so he could have at least left a bruise. He was embarrassed. Whether that was because he'd slept with Geoff or if it was just because she knew that he'd had sex with a boy, he couldn't be sure. He felt guilty.

He squeezed his thigh again. He didn't want to be here. If he was being honest, he barely even knew what either of his parents did for a living, he didn't care. His head felt hot. His stomach felt like it was in knots.

He could feel everyone staring at him, he hated the attention, he wished that he'd just stayed in his bedroom tonight again, he couldn't even remember what drove him here in the first place. Awsten quickly stood from his seat, trying his hardest not to wince from the pain, rushing towards his bedroom, up the staircase.

He pushed the wooden door to his bedroom open and quickly closed it behind him, locking the six locks that were firmly in place on the back of his door. He was hit with a wave of fatigue, he'd had a long day and the previous night wasn't exactly calm or typical for him, he really just needed some rest.

He didn't care that it was barely past six in the evening, he was exhausted. He lazily unbuttoned his jeans and took them off, along with the blue hoodie that he was still wearing. He threw them onto the floor of his bedroom before picking up the pale pink hoodie that Geoff had given him and pulling that on instead, it always was more comfortable than his.

He got into his bed before pulling the sheets over his shoulders, it was fairly cold as it was coming into winter now. He closed his eyes and drifted into a sleep while he couldn't stop thinking about Geoff.

I want to be able to call you mine.


	48. Sick

His eyes opened to a very dark room that was only lit up by the dim winter moonlight outside of his open window, the cold air pouring in.

His bedroom was freezing cold. It didn't make sense that he felt like he was on fire.

His body was only half awake as he ripped the bedsheets off of himself and lazily stumbled into his bathroom, trying to tug off Geoff's hoodie in the process. He quickly sunk to his knees over the toilet bowl, pushing his hair off of his face that was sticking to his forehead with sweat.

He vomited.

He didn't know why he was feeling so unwell all of a sudden, he hadn't done anything that could have caused this, it wasn't as if he could have eaten something bad. He probably had a fever, he just had to be patient while he sweated it out.

He was hit with another wave of nausea, trying to hold everything down, just while he attempted to give his throat a break from burning with stomach acid. It didn't work.

He closed his eyes while he vomited again, it stung his throat, the bad sort of burning, since it was just liquid. He hadn't eaten in the last day or two.

He groaned as he moved from kneeling to sitting on his bathroom floor, his back pressed up against the cold wall for support. He lazily sat there for a moment, debating with himself on whether or not he was going to be sick again; he didn't think he would, so he stayed where he was.

Regardless of how sick the boy felt, Awsten's body wouldn't stop begging and pleading for him to have a cigarette, he'd not smoked since he left his house for Geoff's, over a day ago. He quickly shook those thoughts and cravings away, no matter how badly he felt like he needed them, he knew that it wasn't a good idea, right now.

His hands were shaking, he'd not shaken this bad before except for when his anxiety attacks would take all of his control away from him. He could feel the cold air better on his bare chest, it was much cooler since he was sweating a lot.

No matter how weak and shaky Awsten was, he knew that he did not want to be stuck of his bathroom floor for however long this fever was going to be set in for. He managed to pull himself up by using the floor, wall and bathroom counter as he stumbled over to his shower, turning the water on, leaving it on cold.

He didn't want to wake anyone but he was in a lot of pain, his stomach was aching and he felt like he was on the verge of getting a migraine. He squinted tightly as he flicked on the harsh light in his ensuite, peeling his sweat-stained boxers off from his thin and shaky legs.

The first contact his skin made with the cold water sent a wave of shivers down Awsten's spine, it was very uncomfortable, way too cold. He persisted with the temperature and submerged his body under the stream, adjusting to the cold after only a few seconds. It felt really nice, now.

He wondered whether Gracie was sick, too; partially because he wanted to know if it was only him and partially because he really hoped she wasn't feeling as shitty as he did. She didn't deserve it.

He wallowed underneath the cold stream of water, grateful that the nauseating feeling was subsiding, as opposed to his headache, which he could feel puncturing the insides of his head.

He didn't keep track of how long he had stayed in the shower before he'd switched off the taps, not burning himself this time, his body was already doing that. He was too exhausted and weak to dry the water droplets off of his skin, instead just wrapping the towel around his shoulders and shuffling back into his bedroom, switching off his bathroom light and replacing it with a small one that sat on his desk.

He sat perched on the end of his bed while he waited for the water to evaporate off of his body, not expecting it to take very long since he was fairly sure he had a high temperature. He just wanted to go back to sleep, he just wanted everything to be okay.

He wished that Geoff was here to dry him off. Maybe to even had bathed him, too. He wished Geoff would have dressed him into a small amount of clothes so that he wouldn't overheat. He wished that the older boy would tuck him into bed and hum to him while he fell asleep, making sure he stayed hydrated and well rested while he fought off this fever.

But that's all they were. Hollow, empty wishes. He had to do it all by himself.

He'd thought about calling Geoff, there were two things stopping him. The first, he still had him blocked, which could easily be undone but he wasn't sure that he was ready yet. The second, when he'd switched on his phone, he'd seen that it was half-past three in the morning, he didn't think it was an appropriate time to be calling someone.

He was too fatigued to move but he'd stalled enough, forcing himself to stand up and put on some clean boxers, filling a glass with clean water from his bathroom sink and chugging it down before filling it again and taking it back to bed with him. He took two paracetamol pills to help with his headache, hoping it wasn't going to make him sick again.

After almost an hour of being kept awake by pain and nausea, he finally slipped into the lightest sleep possible.


	49. Statements

To say he'd had a long sleep could either be an understatement or an overstatement.

It had gotten to two in the afternoon by the time he'd properly and fully woken up, quickly rushing into the bathroom to get rid of the nauseating feeling that resided in his stomach. This wasn't the only time since he'd last vomited earlier, either. He'd been waking to vomit and going back to sleep every other hour, causing him to still be painfully tired, regardless of the current time and the hours he'd been in his bed.

Awsten wasn't even sure if he could say he'd slept. It was more of an unconscious trance as his body tried to turn itself off from falling apart. Regardless of that, he was awake now and thankfully, feeling much better, as opposed to how he was feeling about twelve hours ago.

Awsten showered again. He'd been sweating most of the night, which wasn't exactly pleasant. His throat was a little dry and his head pounded whenever he moved it too much but besides that, he felt reasonably okay again. Nothing in particular. Not soft, just dull. Just okay.

Not pink. Grey.

He felt grey most days. To him, until about a month ago, that was the only colour that existed to him besides blue, which depending on the shade, usually made him feel sad. Not like that mattered very much, he never felt any other colours besides grey and blue.

Geoff made him feel pink, he was the only person that could. Awsten wanted him to show him what the rest of the colours felt like.

In the last few seconds of his shower, he flicked the cold water tap off and let the hot water fall onto his body for a moment until his reflexes reacted to the temperature, just like he did almost every single time that he had a shower. It was routine, by this point.

Awsten lazily changed into his usual attire, the one, worn out hoodie that Geoff had given him- even though he'd sweated in it a lot during the night, and his black skinny jeans; no rips. He hadn't planned on going anywhere that day but he wanted to make himself feel good mentally if he wasn't physically well, at least jeans were better than sweatpants.

He hadn't smoked in over forty-eight hours, he decided that it was probably part of the reason that he was feeling so shitty. His family was probably home from church by this point or close to being so, he decided that it would be a safer bet to not go outside to smoke; he'd just do it in his bedroom.

He walked over to his desk and opened the small drawer attached to it, where he kept his pack of cigarettes. They weren't there. He tried desperately to trace his memory back to the last place he'd seen them; when he'd slipped them into the pocket of his pale blue hoodie that he'd worn to the older boy's house. That was the last place he'd put them.

He rushed over to the small pile of clothes that were bunched up in the corner of his bedroom next to his bed, rummaging through the pile before taking his blue hoodie and digging through the pocket for his pack. They, too, were not there.

He sighed. He already knew what happened, they must have fallen out of his pocket when he was over at Geoff's house, when he- Geoff- had taken his hoodie off while they were making out on his bed. He just needed a smoke.

He couldn't risk stealing any more money from his parents' wallets or taking cigarettes from his father's pack, someone was going to notice. He was going to have to suck it up and contact Geoff, which started with unblocking him first.

He wasn't sure exactly what it was that was stopping him, why he was dreading unblocking the older boy's contact from his phone. Maybe because it admits defeat, it admits that he's willing to be thrown away again because, honestly, he didn't trust Geoff. He just couldn't.

He got his phone, still tangled in the sheets of his bed from when he'd left it there, when he had gotten out of bed earlier that morning. He never used it much so it almost had a dead battery but it would get him through a text conversation, hopefully. He opened to his contacts, not having to look very hard for Geoff's name, he didn't have many people in his contact list.

His thumb hovered over his name for a while, eventually pressing down. It was a different nauseating feeling in his stomach now; it was defeat. It was vulnerability. It was the things that Awsten was too ashamed to admit to being, even though he was.

Are you sure you want to unblock this contact?

Awsten contemplated his options. He just really wanted his fucking cigarettes.

Yes, I'm sure.


	50. Stolen

Awsten: i left my cigarettes at ur house. is it ok if i come get them

It had taken him an entire hour to hit send on the text, he was dreading this very much. He knew how much Geoff hated his 'shorthand texting', but he didn't care. He wasn't here to impress.

By this point, he'd figured out that his family were definitely not home, from when he'd left his bedroom to check on Gracie, to see if she had also been sick last night as well. He still had no idea- because she wasn't there.

He wasn't exactly worried that they weren't home, it wasn't uncommon for them to leave the house or have plans without telling him, he wasn't a part of the family anymore. It was almost as if he was permanently grounded and he loved it.

Geoff: No.

He furrowed his eyebrows in confusion, trying to figure it out. maybe he wasn't home, maybe he didn't want to risk Awsten coming over, for whatever reason.

Geoff: Saw your burns. Stole you pack. Not giving them back to you.

Geoff: You can still come over if you want.

Awsten: u stole them?!

At least some of the grey was gone, washed over with this feeling of playful anger, maybe orange? That's what he had imagined it to feel like.

Geoff: Yes.

He smiled to himself a little bit, the kind of smile that filled his chest with playfulness, playfulness with a pretence of weak adrenaline. His body was lying to him, once again.

He tried calling Gracie. He never called her, so he expected for her to pick up the phone. After about a minute, it rung out. He was slightly confused.

He called his mother next, who also didn't pick up. He contemplated just leaving it at that and waiting for someone to call him back, except he was worried. He called his father.

On the fourth ring, Awsten heard the audio go fuzzy with a, "hello?" Suggesting that his father did not have his number saved. He wasn't surprised.

"Dad?" He never called him that. He was almost waiting for screaming to start but it never did. He was thankful.

"Awsten, is that you?" He sounded surprisingly calm. Mainly exhaustion, which may have just concealed any sort of hatred that was present.

"Y-Yes, uh... where are you? Nobody's home and.... I'm- I guess I'm worried? Mum and Gracie didn't pick up, w-when I called them." He wanted to hit himself from how much it was that he was stuttering, he knew his father hated that, too.

"Yeah, we- we're in hospital. Gracie was awfully sick last night, she's not doing great. We probably won't be home anytime soon, so... there's food in the fridge. I'd say we'll be home tomorrow morning."

So, she was sick. "I-I was sick last night, too. I kept vomiting and-and I had a headache, I think it was just a fever? It's gone now, do you know what Gracie's sick with?" Was he talking too much? He was always way too cautious.

"I'm pretty certain I can say that you're sick for different reasons. I have to go. Behave yourself." That was followed with a hang up tone, leaving him still with questions. He just hoped that Gracie was okay.

Awsten: i dont wanna come over but u should

Awsten: my family isnt home

That sounded suggestive, in all honestly, he just wanted Geoff to come over and cuddle with him. He hoped Geoff would want that, too.

Geoff: To your house? What if they come home?

Awsten: then u will have to hide in my bedroom for once

Awsten: and they wont

Awsten: please

His phone went flat as the battery died, he needed to find his charger. He scrambled to the power socket next to his bed, thankful to see that his charger was still there, plugged in.

He quickly plugged his phone into the power source and anxiously waited for his phone to turn on, what if Geoff didn't want to come over? Or if he had work? Or if he still had plans with Chloe? He disregarded those possible thoughts when his phone lit up again, quickly opening it to his text message conversation with the older boy.

Geoff: See you in thirty minutes, x.

Awsten smiled to himself at the last part, he wasn't sure whether it was the fact that Geoff had typed the little 'x' or put punctuation around it, either way, he could feel his body start to warm up as an undertone of pink washed over him, he wanted to see Geoff, even if it hadn't barely been twenty-four hours since the last time he had seen the older boy.

Awsten: bring my cigs or i wont let u in

He contently turned off his phone and lay down on his bed while he stared at the ceiling, he hadn't invited someone over to his house in literal years, should he do something? He wondered if he should clean up his bedroom, even though it wasn't that bad. It was more authentic if he left it how it was now, anyway.

He just had to wait thirty more minutes. Thirty more minutes until he could wrap himself in Geoff's arms and let him press little kisses down the side of his neck. Thirty more minutes until he could sit and listen to him ramble about something stupid.

Thirty more minutes until all of the grey would wash away.


	51. Supervision

He shot up from laying on the top of his bed sheets as he heard the low hum of Geoff's car gently pour into his bedroom through his open window. He had butterflies, but they were the good kind.

He stood by his locked bedroom door and quickly started to flick the locks open, he was still waiting for the day that he lost the keys to them and he'd be stuck in here forever.

He crept down the staircase, it was habit to be cautious. He then heard Geoff knock on the door, which filled his body with another wave of excitement and butterflies.

By the time he'd gotten to the door he was radiating a contagious energy, an energy that he'd only ever felt when Geoff was involved. It wasn't even a trait that Geoff had, yet it was one of his favourites.

He opened the door to icy blue eyes staring down at him, making him melt, no matter how cold the colour was. Geoff almost looked upset, although he immediately perked up when he saw Awsten, the younger of the pair found that quite flattering.

"You can only come in if you have my cigarettes."

Geoff just smiled playfully in return. He did not bring Awsten's pack. "I have this," the older boy pulled a single loose cigarette out from his jacket pocket, handing it to the blonde. "You're only allowed to smoke under responsible supervision, they're my rules. Now let me in, asshole."

Awsten quickly snatched the cigarette from Geoff and moved out of the way for him to come in, he was desperate. "Do you have a light?" It sounded mumbled as he placed the stick between his teeth, he could almost taste the tobacco. Almost.

"You're gonna smoke down here? You aren't worried about the house smelling like cigarettes?" Geoff laughed a little, looking puzzled.

"Too cold outside, too cold to even open a window."

"Where do you keep your vinegar?" That was such an odd thing to ask, Awsten almost laughed.

"What?" He stared up at Geoff, expecting him to be smiling in a joking manner. He wasn't though. "In that... cupboard..." Awsten pointed as he watched Geoff, confused, go and get a bottle of plain white vinegar. "What the fuck are-"

"-where do you keep glasses? Or something I can pour this into?"

Awsten pointed again, he wasn't following along. He watched Geoff take a glass from the cupboard and fill it with a small amount of the vinegar, before placing it down on the table that the younger boy was standing next to.

Geoff handed him his lighter. "The vinegar absorbs the smoke, so you won't smell it. I'm glad one of us thinks before we do shit."

Awsten frowned while Geoff laughed a little bit, playfully punching him in the arm before cupping his hand around the end of the cigarette and lighting it.

He took a drag. The chemicals pouring into his body and coating his throat as they burned their way through his airways had never felt so satisfying. So good. He needed this so bad. "Fuck."

He didn't care how amused Geoff was as the younger boy sucked on his cigarette, he was so addicted. He needed it so badly.

"Starting to think that you only asked me to come over for a cigarette."

"Did you not read my fucking messages? That's exactly why I asked you to come over."

By the time he'd finished smoking, both of the boys were sitting down on the small sofa in the main living space, Awsten only getting up to throw away his cigarette, wrapping it into a tissue so that nobody could identify what it was if they saw it.

"Come up to my bedroom." Was that weird? He'd never had anybody over, he wasn't exactly sure what to do. Not only that, he didn't let anyone, not even his family, into his bedroom. That was his place. And now it was Geoff's, too.

Out of habit, he latched closed his locks behind them, grateful that Geoff didn't question it. He looked upset again, almost.

"What's wrong?" Awsten was pretty sure it would have something to do with the older boy's massive realisation from the previous day, although it could be anything. "Hey, you can talk to me, yeah?"

Awsten sat down on his bed and pulled Geoff down with him by his wrist, making him smile a little as the first tear fell. "I cut things off with Chloe. That's not why I'm upset, but I just wanted you to know that."

The younger boy smiled a little, it was soft, he was proud. "How do you feel about that?"

"Relieved," Geoff exhaled loudly, trying to keep his composure. "Really relieved, actually. I'm happy that I finally don't feel fucking foreign to myself anymore."

"I'm so proud of you. I know that it was hard, I really do. I'm just so glad that you were able to know what you wanted and go through with it. I really admire that, you know?" Geoff just nodded as a response.

"There's nothing I should feel in loving you," Geoff's eyes were red, Awsten was waiting for the time that they met up and someone didn't get awfully upset. "But I'm really afraid that this time I'll be losing you. That you'll leave me for someone better. Someone who always treated you right."

"I won't," Awsten quickly shook his head. "I won't leave you. I don't usually believe in luck but... me meeting you was serendipitous. I was meant to. And I'm glad that I did."


	52. Sovereignty

"I swear to god, if you smoke my cigarettes... I will probably end up killing you."

Awsten and Geoff were both laying on their backs on younger boy's bed, on top of the messy white sheets, looking up at the ceiling. They were fairly close, but they weren't touching each other at all.

"Do you have another one?" Awsten wanted to feel the burning sensation again. He needed it. He didn't want to consider it to be an addiction, but he was smart enough to know that it definitely was.

"Yes, but you only smoked, like, an hour ago." He laughed when he looked at Awsten who was death staring him from his previous comment. "Later. I'm supervising you, remember? You have to listen to me, I'm in charge. I'm the one who has the cigarettes, anyway."

Awsten sighed unhappily but didn't complain any further, Geoff had power over him now. "Surely, there's got to be something else I can do for another cigarette, right? I'll give you a blowjob if I have to." Awsten was being completely serious, frowning when he heard Geoff laugh to himself.

"First of all, you make that sound like a chore. And yes, there is one thing that you can do for a cigarette." Geoff couldn't stop smiling to himself even though he wanted to look completely serious as Awsten perked up at his words, almost excitedly, desperately. "You can fucking wait, like I told you to."

"That's not fair-"

"Don't complain or you won't get another one today." Geoff cut the blonde's sentence off, he was still smiling, humoured by the younger boy's silent tantrum. "How long can I stay for, anyway? What time will your family be getting home?"

Awsten wasn't exactly impressed by Geoff changing the topic but he really couldn't afford to annoy him today, even if it was playful discipline. It wasn't to him, taking his cigarettes was just criminal.

"They said that they'd be home by tomorrow morning, you could stay the night if you wanted to." Awsten processed what he had just said to the older boy and started to get excited. "It will be fun, we can hide out in here and watch movies and make out!"

"Awsten... I'd love to, but I just can't."

"Why?" Awsten rolled onto his side to face Geoff properly, pouting. "I'm sad, Geoff. You have to stay here and make me not sad."

"I have work early in the morning. I'd have to cancel my shift," he pushed some of his hair out of his face, it was still way too short in Awsten's opinion. "Plus, my car is still here. Your parents would see it."

"Then cancel your shift? And park your car in the garage, next to mine. They don't go down there. Come on, Geoff. I don't want you to leave."

"What about spare clothes?" Awsten rolled his eyes at Geoff's protests, he always found an excuse. "I mean, I'm pretty sure that your clothes certainly will not fit me."

"Well, you won't need spare clothes if you just keep these clean," Awsten tangled his hands in Geoff's shirt, tugging on it gently. "Why would you want to wear clothes when you could just... not? You're prettier when you're naked, anyway."

"Ooh, someone's horny today," Geoff laughed as he mocked the younger boy, Awsten wasn't happy about it.

"No, I'm not," he whined, still firmly clutching onto Geoff's loose T-shirt. "I don't even wanna fuck, my ass still hurts. Just want cuddles." He rested his head down on Geoff's stomach, it was warm. "You have to give me cuddles or I will be sad."

"Okay, okay. Fine. Just for a little bit, though. Okay? No promises that I'll be staying the night, though. Don't get too greedy." The older boy wrapped one of his arms around Awsten who was laying on his stomach with his hands tangled in his shirt, frowning when Awsten pushed his arm away. "What is it this time?"

"Take your shirt off. I want to cuddle you with your shirt off." Awsten let go of Geoff's shirt and ran his hands up and across the skin of the older boy's stomach, he just wanted skin contact. "Please?"

"You're being very needy today," Geoff smiled while pulling his shirt off, it felt good being needed. He gently placed his arm back around Awsten who had immediately climbed on top of the older boy and was laying on his stomach, taking his own shirt off so that he could feel Geoff's warm skin against his own.

Awsten bit down on his bottom lip as he looked up at Geoff, admiring everything about him, trying to hold back the smile that he could feel about to expose his admiration, all while tracing small circles into Geoff's bare chest with his fingertips.

"Bite your lip again and I'll just have to fuck you right here, right now."

"Was that a threat or a promise?" Awsten teased while giving Geoff a playful shove in the shoulder, deliberately biting down on his lip once again.

"I thought you said that you were still way too sore?"

"We can compromise."


	53. Shiftless

We can compromise.

Awsten wasn't exactly sure what he meant by that yet, but he was pretty sure that he was beyond wanting just naked cuddles. Geoff was right, he was horny today.

"How will we compromise, huh?" Geoff was brushing his thumb over Awsten's shoulder blade, cradling the smaller boy who still had his head rested on the older boy's stomach.

Awsten perked up, lifting his head up so that he would be able to make eye contact with Geoff. "I'd literally let you fuck me as much as you wanted for a goddamn cigarette."

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Geoff laughed a little bit to himself, he hadn't realised how addicted Awsten really was. "You realise that's basically prostitution, right?"

"Are you avoiding my suggestion? Half a cigarette. Just half. Please?" Awsten pouted dramatically and furrowed his eyebrows, trying to read Geoff's facial expression to see if the older boy looked as though he was going to give in. Awsten couldn't tell.

"I'll give you a cigarette, yeah. Just... I'm not going to fuck you because of it, it's not right." Geoff ran his hand through Awsten's soft blonde hair, taking another cigarette that was sitting loosely in his jean pocket, putting it in between the younger boy's teeth for him.

Awsten stayed laying on top of Geoff's chest as the older boy cupped his hand around the end of the cigarette and lit it for the smaller boy, neither of them worrying about the smell of tobacco and smoke because nobody ever came up here, and Awsten's family wasn't supposed to be home until early tomorrow morning, anyway.

Awsten inhaled a deep breath of smoke, closing his eyes before breathing it back out contently. "I kind of want you to, though, you know? The cigarette was...sort of an excuse, even though I really did fucking want it." Awsten took another drag, letting the chemicals settle in his lungs for a moment before exhaling them out again.

"Oh... um- are you sure? I don't wanna... hurt you, or anything." Geoff's cheeks grew darker, Awsten had learned that this meant that he was probably blushing.

"I'm sure, don't pretend like you didn't bring a condom, either. We both know that you were expecting this to happen." Awsten sighed with disappointment as his cigarette disintegrated to half its size, checking to see if Geoff was going to take it off of him. He didn't, so Awsten continued to smoke it.

Geoff only smiled as he took the said small foil wrapping from his pocket and threw it onto the bed, still tracing his fingers over Awsten's back with his other hand. "Only if you're sure."

"I'm sure." Awsten nearly stubbed out his cigarette onto the skin on his bare wrist out of habit, immediately realising that he couldn't do that right now, instead just placing the burnt out cigarette butt on his bedside table, snuggling back into Geoff's chest.

They lay like that for a little while, the room was dark and cold from the small amount of light that was passing through the younger boy's bedroom window. At least they were laying with each other to keep themselves warm. They were both together. They were both apathetic. They were both shiftless.

"What's your favourite position?" Awsten closed his eyes and listened to Geoff's heartbeat, ignoring the fact that it immediately sped up. "I feel like you're a 'face down, ass up' kind of person. I bet you like fucking your sluts into the mattress."

"W-What?" Awsten could only laugh at how shy it was that Geoff immediately became, admiring how awkward he was. He loved it. "Are you serious?"

"I'm serious," Awsten nodded against the older boy's chest. He listened to the fast pace of Geoff's heartbeat, Awsten knew that if he got uncomfortable then he would definitely stop the conversation, but there was no doubt in his mind that Geoff was definitely into this. "I kind of want to ride you. I've never tried it before."

"Well, I've never been ridden before, either." Awsten was glad that Geoff wasn't against their conversation, realising that they had never really spoken about intimate things, not even kinks. What if Geoff was vanilla? God, he hoped that Geoff wasn't vanilla. "Plus, I'd love to watch you pleasure yourself on my cock, anyway."

Awsten let out a low groan at Geoff's words, smiling loosely at the thought. Both of the boys were half-hard already, Awsten was just glad that nobody was home. He sat up next to Geoff who was still laying on his back, trailing his hands down the older boy's stomach, down to his jeans, carefully unhooking the black material from the button and undoing the zipper, tugging on Geoff's jeans to pull them down.

Geoff sat up slightly so that he was propped up on his elbow, supported by his forearm. He used his other hand to grasp the back of Awsten's neck and tug the smaller boy towards him, messily connecting their lips.

They both tasted like cigarettes, but somehow it always tasted better when their mouths were together.


	54. Straddle

At some point, Awsten had managed to take off his own jeans, which were now bundled up next to the bed that they were making out on. Both boys were left in just their boxers, Awsten straddling Geoff who was still laying down on his back.

"Fuck." Geoff's whisper brushed past the younger boy's ear as Awsten roughly kissed up the side of his neck, rolling his head to the side to give Awsten more room to do so. He tangled one of his hands into the boy's soft blonde hair and the other rested gently on his hip, Awsten still sitting on his waist as he leaned down to kiss the older boy's neck.

Awsten smiled softly before gently biting down on his neck, only softly before letting it go again, moving his mouth back to Geoff's. It was the same strawberry and tobacco taste that it always was, that same taste that the younger boy could never get enough of, no matter how many times it was that he had tried it.

The older boy let his hand fall from Awsten's hip and run down the boy's thigh, carefully sliding it back and forth as he lazily kissed the younger boy back. Geoff just wanted to feel skin, moving one of his hands to Awsten's shoulder and sliding the other one to the boy's clothed ass.

Geoff broke away from the kiss. "Off," he tugged gentle on the elastic of the younger boy's boxers, only pulling them down slightly. "Take them off."

Awsten nodded obediently and did just that, climbing off of the older boy's waist so that he could take his boxers off, Geoff doing the same by taking off his own. He leaned over to find the condom that was tangled in the bedsheets, opening it with his teeth and rolling it on quickly, tugging Awsten back onto the bed.

The younger boy wrapped his legs around Geoff's waist and draped his arms over his shoulders, kissing him roughly again; ignoring the fact that they were both completely naked, acknowledging that he was almost entirely comfortable with it.

Geoff kicked his legs back onto the bed and shifted them both so he was laying on his back, putting them back to how they were before; Awsten straddling his waist, except this time they were both fully unclothed.

Geoff didn't want to make out anymore, grabbing Awsten's pale throat to push his lips away, the younger boy quickly wrapping his fingers around Geoff's wrist and pushing it away, making the older boy let go. "N-No choking," Awsten quickly shook his head as if he was thinking about something important. "J-Just... no choking."

Awsten wasn't shocked by the fact that his PTSD had kicked in for something so minor, glad that he didn't have to explain himself, Geoff understood. "Okay, sweetheart." The older boy clamped his hand around Awsten's mouth instead, covering his nose as well so that he still couldn't breathe; partially to stop his protests, partially to spite him. His other hand was placed firmly on the back of Awsten's head so that the younger boy couldn't wriggle away. "Is this okay?"

Awsten wasn't against breath play, nodding in response to Geoff's question. As long as it wasn't choking, he was okay with it. He had his hands gripped onto Geoff's bare shoulders as he struggled to take in a breath, the older boy watching him in awe, eventually taking his hand away.

Awten sucked in a quick breath of cold air as it plastered down his throat, panting deeply to try to catch up on all the oxygen that he'd just missed out on. "Just. Fuck me." Awsten was panting heavily as he focused on absolutely nothing besides the fact that he just wanted Geoff to fuck him already.

"So needy," Geoff brushed a piece of hair that had fallen over Awsten's eyes back into place, his fingers tracing back down along the younger boy's jaw. He ran a finger across Awsten's bottom lip that was jutted out in a pout as the boy waited impatiently for his request to be taken seriously. "Suck."

Awsten wrapped his mouth around the three fingers that Geoff had hastily shoved into his mouth, he knew exactly what was happening. He was about to be fingered.

By the time that Geoff had taken his saliva coated fingers back out of the boy's mouth, Awsten was already shifting his position to allocate more room for Geoff to finger him. He was so horny, completely out of focus from everything besides Geoff and himself.

The older boy smirked loosely at Awsten's sexual desperation, running one hand down Awsten's bare hips and to his ass, pulling the boy closer so that he was sitting on his stomach. He slid the same hand up and down Awsten's ass and thigh, using his other hand to carefully prep the smaller boy.

"Is this okay?" Geoff questioned as he slipped one of his fingers into Awsten's hole, the blonde groaning lowly from the light pain from the other night; he was really looking forward to being fucked now.

Awsten nodded quickly as he felt Geoff push a second finger in, trying not to groan as the older boy did so. Awsten knew that this was only preparation for the actual sex, although he was so horny right now that any form of contact felt good to him.

Geoff carefully pumped his fingers inside of Awsten, evident that he was experiencing some degree of pain, also evident that he was enjoying it. Geoff smirked before pushing his third finger in, Awsten's voice cracking with a quiet and broken little, "oh."

To Awsten's disappointment, Geoff only slid his fingers in a few more times before taking them out and wiping them on whatever happened to be the closest article of clothing; which was Awsten's shirt.

"Hm," Geoff hummed as he ran his tanned hands up Awsten's pale stomach, admiring the contrast. "I'm gonna fuck you so good, baby."


	55. Scold

Awsten shifted the way he was sitting, moving back down to straddling the older boy's hips instead of his stomach.

Geoff sat up slightly as he held onto the younger boy's waist, holding Awsten above his crotch so that he could line himself up. "You gonna ride me good, sweetheart?" Geoff smirked, teasing Awsten slowly by lowering the boy down slightly, the head of his dick barely touching Awsten's hole as the boy already started to gasp. "Awh, so horny. Such a little slut."

Awsten let out a loud moan as Geoff pushed half of his head in, nobody here to hide from this time, he'd really be able to figure out how vocal the younger boy was during times like this. Geoff could feel Awsten attempting to grind down on his cock already, Geoff's grip being too tight on his waist for him to manage to do so.

"Don't be greedy," Geoff scolded as he pushed the rest of his tip in, watching as the younger boy started to grow impatient, a begging look in his eyes. "Doesn't this hurt?" Geoff asked curiously as he slid his shaft in, releasing his grip on Awsten's hip slightly to allow the boy to slide down as much as he wanted to.

"Yeah," Awsten bit at his bottom lip as he slowly slid half way down the older boy's length, smiling contently before sliding back up again. The younger boy was supported by his knees that were planted firmly on the bed as Awsten straddled Geoff, his hands rested on the older boy's chest, as well. "Fuck."

Geoff left one of his hands on Awsten's hip, the other running down the younger boy's thigh. Awsten only managed to slide half way down again, letting out a loud moan, Geoff was almost certain that it was a scream from the pain. He didn't care. The older boy pushed Awsten down by his waist and thrusted his hips up, making Awsten take it all.

Awsten trailed his hands from the boy's chest, gripping tightly onto his shoulders now instead, fingernails digging deeply into Geoff's shoulder blade as he started to bounce quicker on top of the older boy.

Geoff was guiding Awsten by a rough grip on the boy's hips, as well as thrusting his own up. "F-Fuck!" Watching Awsten in pleasure was one of the hottest things that Geoff had ever seen, especially when he knew that it was him who was doing this to the boy. His hair was stuck together in clumps on his forehead, his face red as his mouth fell open, tiny moans escaping from his mouth.

Geoff couldn't take it anymore. He pushed Awsten up and pulled out, throwing the boy onto a space on the bed next to him, forcefully flipping him over so that he was laying on his stomach. "You were right... about how I like my sluts." The older boy grinned while wrapping an arm underneath Awsten's stomach, pulling him up to force him onto his hands and knees.

Geoff moved to sit behind Awsten, leaning over the boy's back to line kisses up his spine to the back of his neck. His hand followed, running up the back of the boy's head and gripping onto his sweaty blonde hair. "You like this?" Geoff questioned the small boy, pulling his head back by his hair, causing his back to arch.

"Y-Yes!" Geoff could hear it in the boy's voice, how desperate he was. Awsten was already shaking, his arms were barely going to be able to hold him up anymore. The force that Geoff was pulling on the younger boy's hair with was making his eyes water, gasping out as he felt Geoff line up with him and slowly push his tip in. "G-Geoff!"

The older boy let a loose smirk tug at his lips before thrusting into Awsten, tugging at the boy's hair even more as he slid out and slammed back in. Awsten's arms collapsed underneath him, partly because they could barely hold himself up anymore, mostly because Geoff had shoved his face down into the mattress by a firm grip on the back of the boy's neck.

"F-Fuck-" Awsten managed to moan out into the bedsheets while the older boy quickly thrusted into him, his head being held down in place firmly, Geoff's other hand planted firmly on Awsten's waist. "Ohmygod- T-There!"

Geoff continued to fuck Awsten, the boy's hips rocking back into him, presumably as he hit the boy's prostate. "Such- a good- little- slut-" the older boy managed to get out during pants, Awsten groaning at his words, the both of them focusing on the sounds of each other's moans.

"G-Geoff! I'm... gonna-" the older boy immediately pulled out as Awsten was about to reach his climax, roughly flipping him over onto his back, wrapping the younger boy's legs around his waist as he began to thrust back in, he wanted to see Awsten when he finally came. "F-Fuck!"

Geoff slowed down his thrusts as gasped out, covering his own stomach and part of Geoff's chest with white cum. "Good boy," Geoff praised as he closed his eyes, timing his own orgasm with the smaller boy's, cumming into the condom. "Fuck, yeah."

The older boy pulled out as both of their orgasms ceased, staring down at the blonde boy who was shaking and panting and sweating, his face red and cheeks slightly stained with tear tracks, smiling.


	56. Stubbornness

Awsten refused to move as he stayed curled up on the top of his bedsheets, despite Geoff telling him that he had to have a shower.

Geoff knew that Awsten got sleepy and shaky after sexual interactions, already having to clean up any mess that they'd made and now scoop the younger boy up, as well as carry him into the bathroom and sit him down on the counter before starting up the shower.

Awsten's eyes were half closed by this point as the older boy picked him back up off of the bathroom counter as well as a clean washcloth and carried him into the shower, the contact of the warm water to Awsten's skin almost immediately waking him up. "Put me down," he protested, obviously still unable to stand on his own.

Geoff smiled at Awsten's stubbornness but did as the smaller boy asked, letting him stand under the water but still holding onto his arms as support, Awsten's legs still shaking beneath his very light weight. "We need to get you cleaned up, baby."

Geoff let Awsten hold onto his bicep as to steady himself as the older boy used his free hand to take the washcloth and wet it down, carefully moving Awsten so that the boy was leaning against the wall mostly for support, giving him a bit more movement to clean the younger boy off.

"-'M sleepy, Geoff." Awsten yawned as he spoke, the older boy wiping the cloth gently across his skin, still cautious about any bruises that may have been left there. "Wanna sleep. Hurry."

"Oh, is someone feeling a bit bossy today?" Geoff laughed before pressing a gentle kiss to the top of Awsten's forehead, the boy slightly shorter than him. He continued to wipe Awsten down, making sure that the younger boy was clean before wiping himself off as well, Awsten clearly growing impatient. "You're acting as if showering with me is the worst thing that could possibly happen right now."

"When I could be sleeping, yeah." Awsten smiled before grabbing onto Geoff's arm again, standing under the flow of water as he pressed his cheek into Geoff's chest. "I like the sound of your heart."

"Yeah, because it's full of love right now."

Awsten pulled away, looking up at Geoff. "Ew. That's fucking disgusting. Did you just try to say something cute? I wanna vomit. You're gonna make me throw up everywhere." Awsten faked gagging in mockery at Geoff, the older boy turning off the water and playfully scooping him up, taking him back to the bedroom and throwing him onto the bed, both of them dripping water everywhere.

Awsten giggled as he thrashed around on the bed, trying to push Geoff away. "Stop! Get me a towel, asshole." Geoff only shoved him in the shoulder before going into the bathroom and getting two towels, wrapping one around his own waist, unfolding the other one to give to Awsten. He took it back into the room and couldn't resist playfully wrapping it around Awsten as he tackled him onto the bed so that he was laying down on his back instead of sitting on the edge.

Geoff held Awsten down as he locked the smaller boy's arms to the sides of his body, playfully kissing all over the boy's neck and chest as Awsten squirmed around laughing, trying to get out of Geoff's grip to push him away.

"Stop, Geoff! I'm too fucking tired for this shit!" Awsten felt Geoff let go of the grip on his biceps as the older boy kissed Awsten on the mouth instead this time, the younger boy not resisting, unlike all of their previous actions just now. It was quite the opposite, actually.

Awsten moved his hands to Geoff's shoulders as he kissed back, running his hands down to the boy's chest, confused as he felt the older boy smiling into the kiss. "Hm," Geoff laughed as he pulled away, running his thumb over Awsten's bottom lip. "That shut you up, didn't it?" Awsten rolled his eyes before shoving Geoff in the chest. Hard, at that.

"Alright, motherfucker. Get off me, I'm actually fucking tired." He squirmed out from underneath Geoff as the older boy stood up, wrapping his towel around his shoulders. "Fuck. My bed's all wet now." He sighed, lucky he was tired enough to fall asleep just about anywhere.

Geoff walked over to Awsten's built in wardrobe before opening it, water droplets still all over his back as the older boy made no effort to dry himself off.

"I thought you said that my clothes wouldn't fit you," Awsten teased from his position on the bed, wrapping the towel tighter around his shoulders since it was so cold. He yawned, his body was borderline shutting down.

"Haha." Geoff rarely used sarcasm, Awsten liked it. The older boy took got some boxers and sweatpants out of Awsten's wardrobe, as well as picking up his pink hoodie that he'd given the smaller boy a while back off the floor, throwing them all at Awsten. "I'm guessing you don't want to sleep naked," Geoff gestures towards the clothes that Awsten was now pulling on. "Wow, I don't even have to dress you this time!"

Geoff walked over to Awsten and ruffled the boy's hair, deciding that he'd mocked Awsten enough for one period of time, the younger boy clearly unimpressed. He took the wet towel that Awsten was using and threw it onto the floor, moving the sheets back on the boy's bed.

"Lie down," Geoff motioned to the space he'd just made in Awsten's bed, the younger boy doing so and curling up into that spot, hugging his pillow as he lay on it. Geoff draped the sheets back over Awsten's fragile body, kissing him softly on the head. "Get some sleep, sweetheart."

"Geoffy... Will you come lay with me? Wanna cuddle." Awsten's eyes were already closed, he really did sound tired.

"Of course." But before Geoff could even walk to the other side of the bed, Awsten was already asleep.


	57. Stir

Awsten began to stir as his body started to wake up again, gently rubbing at his eyes with his hands as they fluttered open.

Awsten's body barely even got the chance to process being awake before everything from the previous night immediately came rushing back to the small boy, Awsten disappointed that he couldn't feel Geoff in the space in the bed next to him. He was alone.

He also noticed that it must have been dark outside since his room was dark and cold as well, only being fairly lit up from any moonlight or street light that managed to come through his window. He looked at the digital clock that was sitting on his desk, reading two in the morning. He must have slept a long time, seeing as though it couldn't have been any later than six when Geoff had tucked him into bed.

He rolled over to look at his window, not disappointed at the sight. Geoff was standing by his window, shirtless. Awsten could faintly see the lines of the muscles on the boy's arms and back, he couldn't help smiling at the fact that the older boy had actually stayed.

Geoff must have heard Awsten stirring, turning around to see the younger boy smiling at him, he smiled back. "Hey, sleeping beauty," Geoff teased, leaning back on his arms on the windowsill, at least Awsten's window was closed so that the winter air couldn't come in.

"Stop looking at me," Awsten blushed as he threw the sheets over his head, Geoff could barely see Awsten anyway because of the dim lighting from outside.

"Feeling shy again, are we?" Geoff smiled, although Awsten couldn't see with his head under the sheets. "You certainly weren't last night, that's for sure." Geoff really did know how to get under Awsten's skin at the best time, the younger boy pulling the sheets down again to make a statement.

"Fuck you," Awsten scoffed, rubbing at his eyes again to try to wake himself up properly.

"You did," Geoff laughed, gesturing for Awsten to get up and come over to him. "Are you gonna get up or what? I missed you."

Awsten groaned before kicking his legs out from underneath the sheets, groggily standing up as he gave himself a moment to balance himself, walking over to Geoff by the window once he did so. Awsten smiled lightly as Geoff pulled him into his chest, not letting go. "I didn't think that you'd stay once I fell asleep."

"Of course I did." Geoff let Awsten out of the hug, looking back out of the window for a bit. "I don't think that I could bring myself to leave, even if I wanted to- which I don't."

"Oh," Awsten blushed, something about that just made him feel so special, so wanted. "What did you even get up to? While I was asleep, I mean."

Geoff pulled Awsten back into his chest as subtly as he could, he just wanted to be close to the younger boy right now. "I lay with you for a little while. I fell asleep for an hour or two, you're cute when you sleep."

Awsten felt his cheeks heat up with another wave of blush, not being able to take all of the compliments and feelings of being wanted that were flooding him right now. "T-That's weird when you say it like that."

"No, it's not. Anyway, I just kinda looked around your room. I didn't even know you played guitar."

"I don't anymore."

"Oh." Geoff gently squeezed Awsten into his chest, he was so small.

"What's all the affection for?" Awsten giggled at how tightly Geoff was holding him, he felt safe. He felt secure.

"Well, I would want to apologise for all of the play fighting last night, right? I wouldn't want my boyfriend to be mad at me."

"Boyfriend?" Awsten smiled, his heart immediately fluttered.

"Oh- I... I didn't mean it like that... I-I don't know why I said that. I'm sorry."

"No, don't be sorry. Do you want to call me your boyfriend?"

"Really?" Geoff smiled loosely as he carefully combed his fingers through Awsten's long, blonde hair, letting his hand fall down the side of the boy's face, brushing his thumb across his cheekbone. "I-I mean... yeah. I do. Do you wanna be?"

"Of course I fucking do," Awsten rolled his eyes at Geoff's obliviousness, giggling softly as he stared up at him. "Can I kiss you?"

The older boy nodded, moving his hand from Awsten's cheek to the back of his neck, pulling the boy towards him, gently pressing their lips together. It was different this time. It was genuine.

Awsten smiled as he rested his hands on Geoff's bare waist, kissing him back just as carefully, the soft pale moonlight falling perfectly into the younger boy's dark bedroom.

Except his room kept growing brighter until they realised that it wasn't moonlight. They were headlights.


	58. Shout

Awsten pulled away from Geoff and quickly tugged the older boy out of the view of his window. Awsten was never very good at keeping false hope, but there was not a single doubt in his mind right now that his family had just caught him kissing Geoff, who was shirtless, at that.

Awsten stared up at Geoff while he waited for some sort of suggestion, neither of them had any idea on what to do. The younger boy made sure the locks on his door were closed, which thankfully they were, Geoff pulling on his shirt. "We're going to fucking die in here."

"Aws-"

"Don't tell me it's gonna be okay because it's not. My dad is going to fucking kill us."

"Lie down." Geoff pointed to the bed, he had to try to keep Awsten calm as long as he possibly could, at least until they figured out which of their options was the safest for them. They had to keep safe.

It was evident that Awsten wanted to question it although he didn't, hesitantly going over to the bed and laying down like Geoff had told him to. The older boy came and lay down on the space in the bed next to him, tightly pulling Awsten into his chest, holding him firmly in his arms. He knew that it had always helped.

The shouting started.

Awsten had already braced for it, hearing the familiar sound of his father's boots on the squeaky staircase that lead up to his bedroom door. As soon as he heard his father shout slurs at them, the smaller boy clasped his hands over his ears to try and block all of the sound out. Awsten was crying and shaking, hard, at that.

"I'm going to fucking kill you, Wigington!" Geoff kept his arms around Awsten protectively, keeping the boy hugged tightly into his chest as they lay there. He rubbed small circles into Awsten's back through the material of the hoodie, trying to keep the younger boy as calm as he possibly could while he screamed 'make it all go away', hands firmly in place over his ears.

Geoff was absolutely terrified, but his first priority was to make Awsten feel safe, even if he wasn't.

Geoff looked over to the window, back down at Awsten. It was loud in the younger boy's bedroom from his father shouting and his own shouting in hopes that it would make it stop.

The older boy looked back over to the window. Awsten's bedroom may have been on the second floor, but Geoff had already seen the large generator beneath his window. They could climb out. Geoff sat up, pulling Awsten up to sit with him on the edge of the bed, the boy still crying. "The window," Geoff pointed over to it, making sure that the younger boy understood what he was suggesting. "There's a generator, right?"

Awsten shook his head in protest. "I-I'm not g-gonna climb out-t of my f-fucking window!" Awsten tried to yell but it only came out as a whisper between his sobs, thankfully that meant that Awsten's dad, who was still trying to pound down the door, hadn't heard.

Geoff could tell that Awsten was about to have a severe anxiety attack, as well as knowing that he was going to have to calm the boy down, quickly, at that. "Aws," Geoff gently cupped Awsten's cheeks in his hands, careful not to startle him. "Aws, listen to me. We are much more likely to get hurt if we stay in here than if we go out there. I wouldn't let you get hurt. I'll go first and help you climb out, yeah? Then we can drive as far away from here as you want. I can take you to one of my favourite places. We can pretend that everything is going to be okay."

He brushed his thumb over Awsten's cheek, wiping away the fallen tears as the younger boy nodded. He tugged on the smaller boy's hand, helping him over to the window. Another thud on the door. "I know you boys are in there! Come the fuck out!"

Geoff hushed Awsten as he pulled him into his chest quickly, pressing a light kiss to the top of his forehead. "It's gonna be okay. I promise." He whispered quietly so that Awsten's father wouldn't be able to hear them, reluctantly letting go of Awsten. "I've got to open the window now."

Geoff unhooked Awsten's window and began pushing it up slowly, bracing for it to squeal in its tracks and expose their idea. It didn't. Geoff took Awsten's hand and kissed it gently before letting go, kicking one of his legs over the windowsill.

"I'll just be down here on the generator, okay? Do you promise that you'll come down when I tell you to? Once I climb down then I can't come back up. We'll have to be quick, too." Awsten nodded a quick response as he watched Geoff drop down onto the large generator with a loud thud, the sound that they were both expecting. This was exactly why they had to be quick; it was a race with Awsten's father to see who could get to Geoff's car first.

Awsten felt his head starting to get hot as he broke down, trying his best to climb out of his window while he was shaking. The thudding on his door stopped, which means Awsten's father had already figured out what was happening. They really had to hurry.

He looked down at Geoff, he could barely see the older boy from his tears clouding his vision. He didn't think. He just flicked his legs over and dropped with his eyes closed. It wasn't that bad, and now Geoff was squeezing his hand tightly as he opened his eyes again.

Geoff climbed off the generator and onto the ground, helping the other boy climb down. The older boy grabbed Awsten's hand again as he sprinted over to his car dragging Awsten along behind him, getting his car key out as they ran to unlock it. He had to quickly help Awsten into the passenger seat because he was shaking so much, Geoff quickly running around to the drivers side and getting in.

They saw the front door swing open, Geoff fiddling with the ignition since he'd also started to shake with adrenaline. "F-Fucking drive, Geoff!" Awsten's encouragement may not have helped but the older boy managed to start up his car and reverse out of the driveway, stepping down hard on the acceleration pedal as they sped down awstens street.

As he drove quickly, he heard a sound that made his heart melt. He heard Awsten laughing.


	59. Spurious

Awsten was laughing in relief, his body still running off of adrenaline. The sound was ripping Geoff apart. He wanted to marry the boy right then and there.

"That fucking worked," Awsten laughed, neither of them had said anything for the last few minutes as they drove away from Awsten's house, neither of them discussing where they were going to go, either. "Holy shit!"

Geoff had begun to drive at the same pace as the speed limit as he drove onto the main road, it was odd at how quiet it was but he wasn't shocked, seeing as though it was barely three A.M. on a Monday morning. They drove in silence for a little while, just like how their car rides together always seemed to go, except this time was different. This time there was a warm energy that filled the car. This time it wasn't bitter. This time, Awsten was Geoff's boyfriend.

"Where are we going?" Awsten's interest peaked as he noticed Geoff take an exit off of the main road, in a completely different direction from the older boy's house. "Where are you taking me?"

"I already told you. I'm taking you to my favourite place." Geoff smiled before taking one his hands off of the steering wheel, running it down the inside of Awsten's thigh and resting it there as he drove. "Might take a while. Probably about three hours? Is that okay?"

Awsten felt his face heat up as he looked down at Geoff's hand on his thigh, he was still wearing what he had slept in from the previous night. "Y-Yeah. That's okay. I like long drives." Awsten fought the urge to touch Geoff's hand but eventually gave in, hesitating before resting his hand on top of the older boy's gently.

"So do I," Geoff smiled, Awsten shyly playing with the other boy's fingers as he stared down at their hands. Eventually he rested his hand back on top of Geoff's and laced their fingers together, the older boy's hand still rested on the inside of his thigh.

"I'm sorry..." Awsten frowned and looked out of the car window, trying his hardest to just appreciate that he was safe now and that he was with Geoff. "-About my dad, I mean. You shouldn't have had to witness that... I really am sorry."

"Don't apologise." Geoff gently squeezed Awsten's thigh with the younger boy's fingers still tangled with his own. "Seriously, don't. I'm just glad that we got away. Is he usually like that?"

"Sometimes," Awsten sighed, furrowing his eyes brows as he got lost in his train of thought. "Depends, I guess... on the situation, you know? He's worse when he's drunk. Some little things piss him off, too, though; like, if he hears me when I walk down the staircase or something." The younger boy shrugged, he was never very good at talking about personal things.

"That's fucking awful." Geoff's grip tightened involuntary on the steering wheel, as well as on Awsten's thigh. The younger boy decided not to say anything about it, it was oddly comforting. "It's just so much more... real, now that I've been there to see it. I mean, yeah, I'd seen the bruises and marks he'd left on you but that's a really hard thing to comprehend. It never registered properly. He actually fucking hurts you. I'm going to kill him if I get the fucking chance."

"Good luck getting your ass kicked," Awsten shook his head, trying to deflect the whole situation. "Can we pretend? Like you said? I don't wanna think about it anymore. I just want to pretend that everything is okay for a little while."

"Yeah, Aws. We can pretend." Everything immediately fell back to that same warm silence as it was before the conversation was initiated. It felt natural. It felt safe.

The minutes ticked over much quicker than Awsten had expected, time always dragged on. Not now. This may have been the one time that he wished it would, sitting in the warm silence with his boyfriend, on the way to some sort of paradise, at least compared to where they had just come from.

Five minutes. Ten. Thirty. Sixty.

"How long do you think we will be able to stay away for? As soon as I go back I'm... I'm probably gonna get murdered or something. Worse, even."

"I'm not sure, Aws. As long as we possibly can manage, or until we think of something better. I thought that you said that you wanted to pretend?"

"Sorry. I just can't stop thinking about it. It's inevitable, I'm going back there eventually."

"I don't think that I could let you get hurt. I'm going to figure something else out. I promise."

Awsten nodded, he didn't feel like anything else needed to be said. He didn't believe it, he wasn't that gullible, although Geoff was right. He should pretend.


	60. Somewhere

Awsten had still no idea where they were going. He wanted another cigarette but he didn't want to bother Geoff about it, especially if they were going to be stuck in a car together for at least another hour.

Awsten also had absolutely no money with him, he didn't even have his phone. Hell, he wasn't even wearing shoes. Geoff insisted that it would be okay that he payed for everything that they needed for the moment although the younger boy assumed that the amount of money that they actually had wouldn't last them long. They'd already just spent forty dollars on another tank of fuel.

Awsten was sat inside the car alone, Geoff had gone inside the gas station to pay for the fuel and get a few bits of food to last them while they were away, apparently they were going to be a fair drive from the city and they really couldn't afford to be driving so much.

Awsten sat and fiddled with his fingers while he waited for the older boy to come back, it still being dark outside as it was only past four in the morning. Eventually he heard the back door of the car unlatch and the sensor light in the car turn on, making the boy jump slightly. He turned around to see Geoff putting a few plastic bags filled with things onto the seats, as well as lots of bottles of filtered water. At least one of them was thinking.

"Thirsty?" Geoff offered, passing a bottle of water into the front of the car for Awsten to take, which he quickly did, immediately unscrewing the cap and downing half of the bottle. He hadn't realised how dehydrated he was until he'd thought about actually drinking something.

"Thanks," Awsten nodded, wiping his mouth off with the sleeve of his hoodie as Geoff shut the back door and got back into the drivers seat, starting up the car and putting his seatbelt on, signalling for the younger boy to do the same.

"Ready? We're more than half way already, I promise." Awsten just nodded. He was almost sad about that, he loved long drives. The more that Awsten thought about it though, the more excited he got to see where they were going. He knew that it wasn't going to be anything crazy, but it was Geoff's favourite place and the older boy had trusted Awsten enough to show him and share it with him. That's all that mattered. They were going somewhere better, somewhere that they could pretend.

The silent drive commenced again. They didn't put on the radio or play any sort of music, neither of the two boys wanted to interrupt the perfect warmth that the silence created. The same shade of pink.

He noticed Geoff yawn, ignoring it. He couldn't help but notice the three more times after the first that he was probably very exhausted, he'd only managed to sleep for a few hours just before, apparently. "I know you don't wanna ruin the surprise or anything but... do you wanna take a break and nap? Give me the address and I'll drive for a bit? I mean I don't have my license on me... fuck. Why don't we just pull over for a bit?"

"It's fine, Aws. Really." Geoff smiled softly as he continued to drive, the younger boy not arguing any further. Geoff was responsible, he trusted him to make the best decision. "Not that much longer, anyway. And don't get your hopes up, either. For all I know you'll hate it there. Probably will, it's outside."

"I doubt I'm going to hate it. Are you forgetting where we just came from?" Geoff's soft smile softened more at Awsten's words, although it looked emotionally pained. "-And if it does suck, then you'll just have to make out with me to make up for it and keep me distracted."

"Don't tempt me to take you somewhere awful, Knight." Awsten only smiled as their hands managed to find their way together over the centre console of the car, fingers intertwined.

"Can I ask you something... personal? Like, tell me if you don't wanna answer. I won't mind." Geoff nodded, unsure if Awsten was looking at him since he was looking at the road, giving the boy's hand a reassuring squeeze instead. "Aren't you supposed to be on house arrest? From like... you know... the attempt. Aren't you supposed to go to therapy, like, weekly or something?"

"Yeah, you don't need to be careful talking about it. It's okay." The older boy laughed sarcastically but warmly. It was sweet, though. "Apparently locking me in my house is supposed to help me, somehow. I think running away with my favourite person isn't such a bad idea either, though."

Awsten looked away out his window so that Geoff couldn't see the dark blush that glazed his cheeks every time that the older boy glanced into his mirrors. Awsten knew that Geoff kept stealing glances at him though. A tired, gay, boy who was driving one handed and not looking at the road, sounded safe. Not like the whole gay thing enhanced the danger in the situation, Awsten just liked to remind himself.

"It's okay for you to be upset with me about that still, too. I mean, it hasn't even been a week yet. It was stupid. But you know what? I think it was actually kind of good, in a way, because now I know that I'm not going to attempt again, it's not worth it. Maybe if I hadn't tried that night then I would have tried another, and maybe the circumstances on that night would be different and alter the consequences. Maybe if I didn't try that night, if I ever tried again, it would have worked. You know what I mean? I'm just glad it didn't."

"I'm glad that it didn't, either. And, Geoff? You're one of my favourite people, too."


	61. Spacious

"Baby," Geoff ran his hand along the inside of Awsten's thigh as an attempt to get the younger boy's attention. "Sweetheart, we're here."

"Hmm?" Awsten's voice broke slightly as he groaned, opening his eyes slowly as he heard the gentle hum of the engine stop and the squeaky hand break click back into its place. Awsten wasn't asleep by any means, he'd already slept enough for one day in his opinion, he was just drifting off into his own headspace while he wallowed in appreciation for how perfectly everything seemed to be playing out.

When he looked in front of him, it took his eyes a moment to adjust. It was still fairly dark outside, the sun only starting to rise from behind the mountains, but regardless of that, Awsten could still see well enough, and it was beautiful.

The car was parked at the top of a short slope, it wasn't very steep either. The slope was covered in grass and pebbles that led down to a wide river, the current looked surprisingly calm and although it was hard to tell from where Awsten was sitting, it didn't look all that deep at the edges, although the water was very dark towards the middle. The banks of the river were lined with pebbles and mud but there was something so authentic about it that just pieced it all together like some sort of abstract artwork.

"Is it even legal for us to be here?"

"Is that all you have to say?" Geoff laughed a little, he didn't sound offended though, which Awsten was glad. The boy didn't even know what to say. It was finally settling in that they had just run away together. Away from his dad. Together. Away from their problems, together. "I mean... probably not. It's private property but nobody owns it anymore. The worst anyone will ask us to do is leave, trust me. Plus, nobody even comes out here to do that so I wouldn't worry about it."

"It's perfect." Awsten opened the passenger side door and pulled himself out of the car, the cold morning air immediately making contact with his exposed skin, he didn't mind though, it was refreshing. He immediately noticed the sound of the river, it sounded more violent then he looked, the contrast was attractive to him. He also noticed how the air smelled like spring, which was his favourite time of year, despite it only nearing winter. "How long will we be up here? What if we miss Christmas?"

"Not to ruin any hopes that you had in mind but I highly doubt we'll stay that long. We're going to run out of money before then. We will just have to figure something else out before that happens, don't worry. I wont let you go home if it isn't safe."

"It's never going to be safe." Awsten sighed as he thought about that, Geoff getting out of the car as well, walking around to Awsten, softly kissing him on the cheek.

"I said we'll figure it out." Geoff squinted and rubbed his eyes, clearly trying to stifle a yawn. Awsten could tell that he was absolutely exhausted, no matter how hard the older boy was trying to hide it and stay awake.

"Geoff, get some sleep. Seriously." Geoff shook his head and was about to protest although Awsten quickly cut in, he was going to get his way. "Don't say no. I want fucking cuddles and as my boyfriend you are required to give them to me."

He quickly grabbed onto the older boy's wrist and attempted to drag him to the backseats of the car, letting go of the boy's wrist so that he could open the door and climb in, pulling the lever so that he could fold down one of the seats and climb over and into the back of Geoff's car. It wasn't exactly spacious, but it was definitely the best they were going to get; at least Geoff's car had this and they weren't stuck sleeping across the backseats.

"Get in." Awsten leaned over and yanked on Geoff's arm, causing him to stumble slightly before steadying himself and climbing in, over the folded down seat to be with Awsten. The younger boy flicked the lever again and pulled the seat up so they had something to lean against while they cuddled, hopefully Geoff could get some sleep as well; partially because Awsten cared about him, and partially because he adored nighttime walks and he wanted Geoff to go with him later. "Cuddle with me."

"Holy fuck," Geoff laughed as he tried to sit comfortably against the backs of the seats since his legs were too long for him to completely lie down. "You're so stubborn."

Awsten frowned and sighed with impatience, resting his head on Geoff's stomach and wrapping the older boy's arm around himself when he realised that he wasn't going to do it himself. "Not stubborn. Needy. They're different things. You should feel honoured that I actually want you near me."

"Oh, believe me. I do," Geoff smiled as he mocked the boy, repositioning his arm so that it was resting comfortably around the smaller boy's waist, squeezing him gently. His other hand was tangled in Awsten's blonde hair, he noticed how much regrowth was coming through. He wondered what Awsten would look like with his natural hair colour.

They were comfortable. Awsten was satisfied as well, his head still resting on Geoff's stomach while the older boy had his arms wrapped around him, it was so soft. It was pink. His favourite colour. He wondered what it looked like.

They lay there together and wondered about all of the thoughts passing through their brains, tiring them both out. Awsten heard Geoff's breathing slow down, he'd fallen asleep.

Regardless of how much sleep Awsten had already managed to get, slowly but surely, so did he.


	62. Sound

Awsten would never have considered waking up to be a routine, it was natural, he didn't have to think about it, he didn't have to control it. If he did, he would never wake up, the whole point of sleep was to be out of control for just a little while.

His eyes didn't flutter open this time though. He didn't have to squint his eyes so that his pupils could constrict and adjust to the light. He didn't feel warm, cuddled up to Geoff.

His eyes shot open. It was dark. The first thing that he noticed was that Geoff's arms were no longer securing his body, Awsten's head was no longer on his stomach, either. He didn't exactly understand why the older boy had gotten up, but once again, he was alone.

As Awsten looked out of the car window, he immediately noticed that the sky was filled with dark clouds. Unusually dark. They were blocking out all of the sunlight, which was why everything seemed so dim. It wasn't storming or even raining for that matter, it was just so dark.

He felt like he couldn't breathe. He could faintly hear yelling from outside of the car, only being able to make sense of the fact that it was Geoff's voice, it sounded angry, he couldn't hear what the boy was saying or where it was coming from, either. He was probably having a phone call, since Awsten couldn't hear any other voices responding. There was just so much sound. It was pitching through Awsten's head, bouncing around like an adrift echo.

As he slowly began to come back into focus with everything, he could start to make out the words. Geoff wasn't on the phone screaming at anyone. He was yelling at Awsten.

"I knew this was a fucking mistake! What the fuck was I thinking? The only reason I even kept talking to you was for sex! And now I'm stuck with you!"

"W-What?" Awsten rubbed at his eyes as the words became clearer. He didn't understand.

"Fucking worthless!"

"S-Stop!" Awsten shakily screamed back, feeling himself starting to fall apart. The hot tears were suddenly falling down his face, he couldn't see. He still had no idea where Geoff was either or why he'd gotten so mad all of a sudden, but he just wanted it all to stop.

"-And now you're crying? Fucking hell! Do I have to butter everything up for your sensitive little head, hmm? Let me make this more simple so that your stupid fucking head may be able to make some sense out of this! You. Don't. Mean. Anything. To. Me. Is that easier for you to understand now, hmm?"

"Stop!" Awsten tried to scream again but no sound managed to come out, he was defenceless. He couldn't fight back.

"What, only have one word in your fucking vocabulary? You're dad was right. You're just a pathetic little faggot who doesn't eat and fakes anxiety attacks for some sort of attention. You are disgusting."

The tension finally released when Awsten woke up, gasping, clutching at anything to make sure that it was real this time. He managed to grab ahold of Geoff's loose shirt, desperately clutching onto it as he began uncontrollably sobbing into the sleeping boy's chest who was still tightly holding onto him.

Geoff woke up, immediately pulling Awsten into his chest and shifting himself so that he was sitting up a bit more. "Awsie? Hey, what going on, sweetheart? What's wrong?" There was no way that Awsten would be able to speak in the condition that he was in right now. He was shaking worse than Geoff had ever seen, his sobs were broken. Whatever had caused this must have hurt him bad.

Geoff could only assume that it was a dream, that was the most likely option, if he could figure out what it was about then he'd probably be able to help calm the younger boy down.

"Was it about your dad?" Geoff left one hand holding the crying boy tightly into his chest, using the other to gently run his fingertips up and down Awsten's clothed back. The boy managed to slightly shake his head, at least Geoff was managing to get a response. "Was somebody trying to hurt you? In a dream?"

Awsten managed to give a small shrug in response, at least Geoff was getting somewhere. He wasn't even sure how to handle or direct this conversation, whatever it was he had to do it quick before Awsten got any worse.

"Did somebody hit you?" No. "Get mad at you?" Yes. "Okay, uh... You said that it wasn't your dad, was it someone in your family?" No. Geoff sighed, he was out of ideas. "W-Was it me?"

Geoff felt something sink in his stomach when Awsten nodded his head. Even though it was a faux reality, Awsten's thoughts disguised as a false version of himself, Geoff still felt sickeningly guilty over that fact that Awsten was this upset.

"Oh, sweetheart. It's going to be okay. I'm here, I'm not mad at you." Geoff held Awsten reassuringly, protectively into his stomach, pressing gentle kisses to the boy's head when he got the chance. He didn't know what he'd said in Awsten's dream to upset him, meaning that he wasn't able to tell him how wrong he was, but something about not being able to make Awsten feel better was even worse.

"P-Please don't-t leave m-me."

"Aws. I could never do that."


	63. Semblance

Awsten had managed to calm himself down to the sound of Geoff's heartbeat. Every time the older boy spoke, all that he could think about was how angry he had sounded in his dream, and how soft he sounded now. Surprisingly enough, it was reassuring.

"Nightmare," Awsten mumbled into Geoff's tear-soaked shirt, still clutching onto the material so tightly that his fingers were numb. He needed to make sure that Geoff wasn't going to leave him, scared that if he let go then the older boy would. "U-Usually 'bout my dad. You said y-you thought I was pathetic a-a-and stupid and my dad w-was right. T-That I was a faggot and was o-only faking shit for attention. You told me-"

"-Awsten," Geoff carefully cupped Awsten's cheeks and lifted his head off of his chest to make the boy look up at him. "Sweetheart. I don't think any of that is true. Not one bit. You're so beautiful. I wouldn't think any of that, ever, okay?"

Awsten's eyes teared up slightly as he stared at Geoff, everything was just so vivid in his head. "You told me th-that you only used me f-for sex and that you didn't w-want me anymore."

Geoff just shook his head, brushing his fingers over Awsten's cheeks to catch the tears that were starting to fall again. "I already told you, that's bullshit. There are so many more reasons than sex as to why I like you, Aws. Don't get yourself worked up. I promise that I want you."

"No you don't. I'm basically a fucking enigma."

"Maybe I'm into that." Geoff smiled as Awsten buried his head back into Geoff's chest, both of them holding onto each other tightly. They felt like they were never going to let go again.

Everything was suddenly interrupted by the sound of Geoff's phone ringing from the pocket of his jeans that he was still wearing. They had no spare clothes, that was going to be a problem.

Geoff shuffled around as to try and retrieve his phone from his pocket, also attempting not to disturb Awsten too much. "It's my step-dad," Geoff sighed, staring down at the name on the screen. Awsten was about to question the whole 'step-dad' situation since this was the first time he'd heard about it, although the older boy had answered the phone and began talking.

"Yeah, I'm safe- I promise- I know, I can't tell you where I am." A quick glance over at Awsten, then back to the window. "Yeah, yeah. He's with me- he's safe, too- no, they're not worried, they're lying- I already told you that I'm not going to tell you where I am!- What do you mean 'why'?- Yes, but then he'll have to go home.- we're okay, I already told you that.- okay, I'll call you everyday. I'll come home eventually, I just needed space."

Geoff held eye contact with the younger boy as he was listening to what the man on the phone was saying. Based off of the tone of voice and Geoff's body language, him and his step-dad were fairly close, they were talking like good friends. Awsten envied that. He wondered what had happened with Geoff's dad, and if Jon, Geoff's step-father, was Sarah's biological father or not. He had so many questions.

"We're good friends! Yes, I know that I've been spending a lot of time with him lately. He's good company- yes, I do think you'd like him. Good sense of humour." Geoff smiled when Awsten blushed, it was obvious that the older boy was talking about him. "Yeah, okay. I love you. Tell mum I love her, too.- of course, tell Sarah as well. Just tell the whole fucking neighbourhood that I love them.- Hey, I'm twenty-one! I can swear, you aren't my dad.- oh, fuck off. Okay, I love you. Bye."

As soon as Geoff hung up, the two boys sat in silence for a moment before Awsten started to giggle for whatever reason but god, Geoff had never seen something so beautiful in his life. "Good friends?" Awsten questioned, wiping away the tears that were caught in his eyelashes once he had calmed down. "I see how it is."

"Oh, shut up," Geoff stuck his middle finger up at Awsten before pushing down one of the seats to climb out of the car. "I need air."

"C-Can I call Gracie?"

"Do you know her number?" Awsten quickly nodded and took Geoff's phone when he gave it to him, dialling it in and calling it as Geoff left the car, it felt lonely again. He sighed when it rang out, instead deciding to text her.

(***)*** ****: hey gracie its awsten. u ok? im worried

He sighed and put the phone down, getting out of the car and walking down the small slope to the river, where Geoff was sitting. He sat down next to him, neither of them saying anything as they stared out at the water in front of them, not wanting to destroy the subtle pink glow ya that sparked every time that their skin touched.

A/N:  
I've never done an author's note?? Also this is wayyy overdue but I wanted to just say a massive thank you to takingteeth for literally editing all of my chapters before I post them lmao and also letting me cry to him for hours every night over stupid shit,, so yeah.


	64. Spring

"I want to show you something."

Geoff was holding tightly onto Awsten's hand as they walked together down the side of the river, the younger boy not realising how big it actually was. Geoff's car was out of sight by this point, they had been walking across the pebbly bank of the river for about ten minutes already, the older boy insisting that they were nearly there, wherever 'there' was.

"Where are you taking me?" Awsten stumbled behind the older boy, careful not to trip over any rocks or sticks that may have been in the way of his careful steps.

"To show you something beautiful." Awsten sighed aloud which earned him a snicker from Geoff but continued to trail closely behind the older boy, lost in thought as he cautiously watched his feet for a while, completely forgetting about what they were doing until his thought process was interrupted by the sound of Geoff's voice. "Look up, sweetheart."

Awsten did, lazily rubbing the haze out of his eyes as he stared out in front of him. This was something he'd never seen before yet he had, it was just so naturally constructed that he immediately understood why the older boy wanted to show him this.

He was stood in front of a field; a meadow, per se. The grass was tall and dry, meeting at his hipbone if he were to walk through it, but the entire space was littered in wild flower bushes. Bright, wild roses. Hundreds, maybe thousands, of densely growing rose bushes that appeared to suffocate one another as they snaked in between the other branches.

He stood and stared at the roses for a while. They weren't typically shaped, though, they were more flat, having only one ring of petals that carved out an almost perfect circle on each one. He couldn't stop staring at them. He could also feel Geoff's gaze travelling down his body, the older boy also not being able to look away from him. Perhaps they were both suspended in awe as they were mesmerised by things that they each found beautiful.

Awsten had the urge to walk through the field, lay down in the flowers. He couldn't see any butterflies or bees but he could see them in the film in his mind, a bright spring day. A bright spring day where the birds were chattering around him as the mimicked the violent thrash of the perfectly contrasted river that spilled gently across its rocky tracks. He imagined the smell of the pollen that supposedly attracted lovers as he lay in the field and stared up at the singled-out clouds that had been abandoned, yet somehow that made them more beautiful. Perhaps Awsten was just an adrift cloud.

He imagined laying in the field, head on Geoff's shoulder as the older boy lay with him. That was the one part wasn't impossible to be doing right now, except it was, because the uninviting thorns that held possession to the brightly thriving flower stalks were enough to drive away anything, including vanilla romantic fantasies.

So Awsten compromised with the unspoken plants as he softly walked on the outskirts of the unspecified meadow, careful not to inconvenience any thorny stalks that may be reaching out, grasping for some sort of attention.

And Geoff cautiously trailed behind Awsten as he admired how careful the younger boy was as he gazed over each individual rose as if he knew that if he looked hard enough, he could find a trait that not a single of the other hundreds of roses in the field had. Geoff grazed his hand down the stalk of one of the brighter flowers, careful not to cut his fingertips, breaking the flower off with its long stalk, individually detaching any of the thorns as to not put Awsten in any danger.

"For you," Geoff smiled, handing the flower to Awsten, who lit up brighter than the flower. Brighter than the spring morning that the younger boy had just imagined. He looked as if Geoff was the first person to appreciate him in his life. Maybe he was.

So Geoff picked another, slowly building up a rough bouquet of bright yellow roses, which Awsten couldn't see the colour of, each rose being an eight or nine out of ten. Awsten wondered why Geoff wasn't picking the prettiest ones.

"Sometimes, the most beautiful ones should stay."

And Geoff picked another one, laying it in the boy's hands with the others. He was gentle even though he'd seen these bushes before, they would become winter-kill, blackened and dead as a victim to the attractive snowflakes. "So that's why you picked me?" Awsten pouted as he carefully brushed his fingers along a rose that was still attached to its bush. This one was a ten, it was obvious.

"You've got it all wrong," Geoff just shook his head, walking over to Awsten's side and carefully snapping the flower that the boy had been touching off near the top of its stalk, carefully taking off any thorns that managed to stay on the small portion of stem that was still attached to its head. He brushed away some of Awsten's blonde hair from the boy's face, carefully tucking the yellow rose behind Awsten's ear. "You see, sometimes I just can't help myself."


	65. Scared

They walked slowly back to the car along the banks of the river, Awsten cradling the multiple roses that the older boy had picked out for him in his hands.

The sun was setting, it was growing dark quickly. The walk back seemed much quicker than the walk there, seeing the car only after a few minutes. "I wanna put these in some water," Awsten looked down to the bright flowers that he was holding, careful as he stepped so that the petals didn't move too much and fall off.

"Okay, sweetheart. I'm sure we can do that." Geoff stood closely next to Awsten's side, wrapping his arm around the boy's waist as they walked up the slope to the car, the older boy pressing a small kiss to Awsten's cheekbone before letting go of him and opening the door to the front of the car, finding an empty plastic bottle for Awsten to put his flowers in.

"They won't fit," Awsten furrowed his eyebrows as he looked at the small opening at the top of the bottle, back down to all of his flowers.

Geoff only nodded, "I know." He opened up the glove box in his car and took out a small pocket knife, flipping it open and cutting the bottle in half. "Now they will," he smiled, walking down to the river to put some water into the plastic bottle, taking it back to the smaller boy and placing it in the cup holder so that it wouldn't fall over, putting Awsten's roses in.

"Wanna cuddle." Awsten pulled on Geoff's arm once again, stubbornly making the older boy get into the back of the car again where they had slept, just to cuddle as Awsten had sternly requested once again. Geoff wasn't complaining. He would hold Awsten and never let him go ever again if he could. They lay there for hours, Awstens head rested on Geoff's shoulder, the older boy's arm around the smaller boy's waist. It was comfortable. It was peaceful.

And as the hours went by, the sky quickly grew darker and darker until it had hit midnight. Luckily, they had both slept in really late that day and neither were tired yet, meaning that Awsten could go on his nighttime walk like he had originally planned.

"You're coming with me," Awsten pulled on Geoff's arm as he tried to climb over the seats to open the door, feeling Geoff resist.

"Nuh-uh. No way. I am not getting out of this car. Too dark." Geoff looked outside, frowning when he heard Awsten laughing. "What?"

"You're afraid of the dark?" Awsten giggled, tugging on the older boy's arm more. "Come on, we're going."

"Fuck that. I'm telling you, Aws. There's monsters out there that want to eat my ass."

The younger boy still hadn't stopped laughing, Geoff wasn't exactly impressed by it. "Well, I'm going out there, regardless. As my boyfriend I think you should come with me to stop the 'monsters' from eating my ass. That's not their job."

Geoff sighed but hesitantly followed Awsten out of the car, the younger boy having calmed down from his laughing fit by this time. He stubbornly dragged the older boy further and further from the car, feeling him tense up as more distance came between the dim light from the inside of the vehicle and went further into the dark night, only lit up by the moon as they moved by the river.

It was about after a minute of walking by the edge of the river that Awsten started to laugh again. "I can't believe you're scared of the dark!" Geoff had had enough.

"Alright. Listen here, you little shit." The only thing that Geoff could focus on was Awsten's shrieks and giggles as the older boy tackled him down to the ground, gently laying him down on his back on the pebbly bank so that his fragile spine didn't get bruised.

He kissed Awsten, hard. And now Awsten's hands were tangled in the older boy's shirt as they slowly made out on the bank of the river. Geoff's head went fuzzy, he felt the same as he had the previous night; passionate. Lovestruck, almost.

Awsten was kissing Geoff back, just as needily, as if they needed each other as their own personal life support and if they stopped then it would become fatal. Up until Geoff ran his hand underneath Awsten's baggy sweater and the younger boy pulled away, pushing Geoff's hand back down again.

"D-Did I hurt you?" Geoff wasn't quite following along as to what was happening, he'd seen Awsten's body multiple times before and it had never been an issue. He sighed when Awsten shook his head, still unsure. "What's wrong, sweetheart? Are you okay?"

Awsten looked as if he was preparing himself mentally to cry. Geoff didn't understand. "J-Just... the dream."

And it all suddenly began to make sense again; Awsten was scared that he was being used for sex. "Oh, baby. That's okay. We don't have to." Geoff smiled and carefully brushed some hair out of Awsten's face, making sure that it was still okay to be touchy with him. The younger boy didn't seem to want Geoff to get off of him, so he didn't.

"It's not okay," Awsten shook his head as if it was going to muddle his thoughts and make him want to consent. The older boy could see it in his eyes, the guilt. "I-I don't wanna disappoint you. You're not asking for much from me and... I'm your boyfriend, this really shouldn't be something that bothers me-"

"-Hey," Geoff cut in before Awsten could trail any further down his thought cycle to the point where he couldn't pull himself out again. "Listen to me, okay? I never want you to feel like you have to have sex with me. Ever. I will never be upset with you if you don't feel comfortable or just don't want to. You're always gonna be my first priority, Aws. I care about you, not sex, okay?"

Awsten nodded, still holding onto the material of Geoff's shirt. The older boy wasn't even sure whether Awsten realised he was doing it or not, but he was calming down now. "O-Okay. Yeah. I want to, I do. I just needed a minute to think it over. I want to."

"Are you sure?" Geoff ran his fingers along awstens cheeks as he admired the boy. He was so fucking pretty, he could never do anything to hurt him, even if he had before. He would never hurt him. "You really don't have to. I mean it."

Awsten nodded, snaking his hands gently underneath Geoff's shirt to feel his skin. "I'm sure, I do want to... can we make out a bit more first?"

So they did, they lazily made out in the pitch black of the night, Geoff completely forgetting that he was afraid of the dark.


	66. Shatter

"You're so fucking beautiful."

Geoff was obsessed. His lips moved softly underneath the small boy's ear, carefully kissing down to Awsten's neck, eventually reaching the material of the boy's hoodie. He wanted to see all of him, all of his skin, his entire body.

The older boy began to suck a dark mark into the small boy's pale throat, carefully fiddling with the bottom hem of Awsten's hoodie, suggesting that he wanted to take it off. Awsten didn't resist this time. He wanted it. He wanted Geoff to take care of him.

Awsten shivered as the cold air made contact with the very bottom of his stomach as Geoff carefully moved the material of the boy's hoodie up, revealing only a sliver of skin. He moved his mouth down and kissed the newly exposed skin immediately.

Awsten let out a loud breath, melting into the feeling of the older boy's lips against his stomach. Geoff slowly inched the material further up the small boy's body, trailing kisses as he went, kissing all of the skin that he could see. He kept going until the hoodie was being pulled over Awsten's head, his entire torso bare, a victim to the winter air.

"So fucking pretty," Geoff carefully hushed Awsten as his lips brushed against the boy's skin, distracted as he let his hands wander around the boy's stomach and lips on his neck. He just wanted to feel every inch of skin. He wanted to remember every tiny detail on Awsten's body as if it was some sort of map that he had to memorise. He wanted to preserve the feeling forever. He wanted to keep the spark that he felt whenever their skin touched in a small glass jar that he could carry with him everywhere for the rest of his life.

He closed his eyes to take in that cursed sound of Awsten's light gasps that were borderline moans, every time that Geoff's lips and hands came into contact with a new area of his body. The sound was constant.

The older boy lifted his eyes up to stare into Awsten's, in complete awe at how delicately the boy was put together. He was so perfect. He needed to be protected, he was fragile, Geoff had to be careful. He had to treat Awsten as if he was a rare China doll that would shatter if he even spoke too loudly. He was certainly rare, that part was accurate.

"Such a perfect little angel," Geoff praised as Awsten's eyes glistened under the moonlight. The older boy had already figured out that Awsten loved to be submissive, he wanted to give Awsten everything he wanted right now. He wanted to make him feel like the most important being on the planet. He was to Geoff, at least. "My perfect little angel. Isn't that right, baby?"

Awsten nodded quickly, gently grasping fistfuls of Geoff's shirt and tugging slightly. "Want off. It's not fair that I always take off mine first." Geoff moved his body to help the smaller boy tug off his own shirt, pulling his arms out of the very short sleeves.

Awsten's hands immediately started to travel down the older boy's stomach, Geoff only being able to watch the small boy in awe. Awsten gently squished Geoff's hips, smiling softly to himself as Geoff frowned. "Hey! I love chubby boys. They're my favourite."

"I am not chubby!" Geoff protested at Awsten's giggles but fuck, he was way too caught up in the sound to let anything else bother him. It was fairly safe to say that he was slowly falling, into what some may describe, as love.

Awsten was playing around with the button of his own jeans, hastily pulling them off of his legs and unbuttoning the older boy's jeans for him, as well. "Take them off, Geoff. I wanna see you, too. Let me see you."

So Geoff did; quickly kicking off his jeans before connecting his lips to the smaller boy's thighs, he hadn't been able to kiss here yet. He wanted to kiss every little bit of skin as it got exposed, he wasn't to taste it, he wanted to feel it.

"L-Look after me," Awsten hooked his fingers inside of his boxers and tugged them down, letting Geoff explore the rest of his body. "I want you to. Please?"

"Aws, sweetheart. I don't have a condom. I can't go that far with you tonight."

"I do!" Awsten quickly found his jeans and began digging through the pockets, pulling out a condom. "I-I only brought three up with us so we can't be having sex all the time-"

"-Oh, Awsie." Geoff smiled and took the condom, quickly pulling down his own boxers before rolling it on. "You're such a good little boy. So beautiful. Let me show you how good you are, yeah?"

Awsten nodded and held tightly onto the older boy's shoulders as Geoff spat onto his hand and rubbed it on the condom, carefully pushing in. It was only the night before that they'd had sex, Awsten not needing anymore prep.

Awsten let a small broken moan slip out as Geoff started to slowly move inside of him. They were both caught up in each other's bodies to pay attention to the rest of the world.  
They were making love. They were falling in love.

Geoff made sure to be extra gentle. He wanted to make the younger boy feel good, he wanted to take care of him, he wanted to be gentle. He whispered little praises to Awsten as he slowly moved his hips, any trains of thought blocked out by Awsten's little gasps and moans. "Good boy, Angel. So, so good. So beautiful."

They made out slightly until they were both too exhausted to continue, Geoff pulling out and praising the small boy while pulling him into his chest, kissing him softly on the head. He was so beautiful.

Awsten couldn't exactly recall much that happened after he pulled on his boxers, immediately falling asleep in Geoff's arms.


	67. Selfish

I never put trigger warnings on chapters but I felt like this one needed one. (Don't get annoyed about "spoilers", I'm trying to look after people.)

Trigger warning for forced sex. Please don't read this if that's something that could cause emotional damage. You can also message me if you want to know what happened in less detail.

\-----

They both woke at the same time, just as the sun was coming up. The younger boy wasn't even sure that it was the light in the sky that had woken him up, he was almost certain that it was the light kisses that Geoff was pressing all over his cold cheeks.

Awsten felt like he was freezing, still wearing barely anything from the previous night. He cuddled into Geoff's side a little bit more, wondering why the hell they were still on the bank of the river. He almost swore that he remembered Geoff carrying him back to the car, half-asleep. Sometimes he got his dreams and reality mixed up, though.

"Hey, sweetheart." Geoff gently raked his hand through the boy's blonde hair, eventually moving it to run up and down the smaller boy's arm. "You slept well."

Awsten groaned, burying his head further into his boyfriend's chest. "Just wanna cuddle." He kept moulding his body into the older boy's, sighing when he didn't wrap his arms around the boy's small frame. "Why aren't you cuddling me?"

"Because I don't want to. It's not always about you."

Awsten frowned, nodding his head though, not wanting to piss Geoff off any more. He clearly wasn't a morning person, Awsten barely was, either. "I'm sorry."

"No, no. Don't be sorry. It's okay. How about we just do something that I want to do for once?" Awsten furrowed his eyebrows, unsure of what Geoff was suggesting.

"W-what... what do you want to do? I mean, I don't really mind but-" Awsten was quickly cut off as the older boy swiftly pushed him onto his back and pinned his shoulders down to the ground, rocks digging into his fragile spine. "Ow, Geoff! What are you-"

The older boy smirked before moving down to Awsten's jaw, pressing an open-mouthed kiss there. "I'm doing what I want to do. Remember?"

"N-No," Awsten muttered out, trying to squirm out of the older boy's grip. "No, Geoff. Come on, we only had sex last night."

"Stop squirming and shut up for once, okay? You're being selfish. I want this. Can't you just let me have what I want, just once? So fucking selfish." Geoff scolded the younger boy before returning his lips to the boy's neck, carefully trailing his mouth down the boy's throat, feeling vibrations against his sensitive lips every time that he felt Awsten swallow or groan.

"Geoff-" the older boy pulled his mouth away and firmly cupped his hand over Awsten's mouth to stop him from complaining any further.

"I told you to deal with it. You're even being ungrateful, I'm trying to do something nice for you, for both of us. Why are you always so whiny?"

Awsten shoved Geoff's hand away aggressively. "I said I don't want it!" Although, Awsten didn't say that aloud, he just started panting heavily to suggest that he needed some air. He stayed where he was and kept still while he let Geoff dominate his body. He didn't move or say anything. Something wasn't right. He didn't want it.

"Such a pretty boy. Can't you see that I'm only doing this to show you how much I love you? I'll take care of you, baby. I promise." Geoff snaked his hands down into Awsten's boxers as he continued to move his lips against the boy's neck, the younger boy biting back tears. He wasn't in the right mindset. He said he didn't want it. "This isn't so bad, is it?" Geoff smiled as he began to palm Awsten slightly from inside his briefs, contently staring the boy in the eyes.

"D-Don't wanna," Awsten choked out, trying to push Geoff's hand away while he squirmed around although Geoff had his other forearm firmly putting pressure onto the boy's chest, pressing him into the ground so that he couldn't move.

"Stop. Being. Selfish. Let me look after you. Let me take such good care of my little baby boy, yeah? Show him how much I love him." The older boy used his hand, the one that wasn't holding down the boy's small frame, to pull Awsten's boxers down completely, exposing him to the cold.

"P-Please... don't. I don't wanna! Don't!" Geoff wasn't listening. He was too focused on undressing himself to listen to Awsten's pleas.

"Oh, baby. Let me show you. I want to show you. I care about you. Let me show you." The older boy carefully lined himself up with Awsten who had completely given up, his body going limp as he started to sob to himself, groaning as Geoff pushed in, no prep, no condom. At least the boy's sobs were silent so that the older boy wouldn't get mad or disappointed again. "So good for me."

Geoff's hands moved to Awsten's shoulders as he started to rock inside of the boy. Awsten didn't try to move away or resist as Geoff thrusted into him, lining kisses down his neck. He just cried. He just slowly sobbed to himself and stayed still because he knew that he was never going to be good enough, he was such a disappointment, he was so selfish.

And Geoff began to pick up his speed, hands still firmly attached to the younger boy's shoulders as he moved, rocking the small boy's body back and forth. "Oh, Awsten. Awsten... Awsten..."

Awsten closed his eyes, tightly. He didn't want to be here. He opened them again. He wasn't. Awsten... Awsten...

He was now in the back of the car, out of breath. He was gasping. Geoff was gently rocking Awsten's shoulders back and forth while carefully repeating the boy's name, stopping as soon as Awsten opened his eyes.

"Hey, bub. I think you might have been having another nightmare? You were crying in your sleep and-"

"-Don't touch me!" Awsten choked out as he quickly shuffled as far away as he could get from Geoff. He could feel the tears pouring down his face, they must have started before he'd woken. "D-Don't fucking touch me! I don't w-want it! I said I-I didn't want it!"

That one seemed so real. It was so real.


	68. Subside

Geoff roughly raked his hand through his messy hair while he tried to evaluate the situation. Awsten was sat, pressed up against the side of the interior of the car, hyperventilating. Geoff was having a hard time understanding what the boy was mumbling between breaths, the only thing he had managed to hear so far was a broken, 'I said I didn't want it'.

Awsten would get worse whenever Geoff tried to comfort him, thrashing around when he tried to hold the boy's hand, screaming when Geoff tried to talk to him.

He was really bad this time.

As much as he didn't want to leave Awsten alone right now, he couldn't think of any other logical way to help the boy. Clearly his presence was worsening the situation, he didn't think that he would be able to diffuse it anymore.

He opened his phone up to Gracie's contact that he'd just added into his phone, leaving it in front of the anxious boy before climbing over the seats, getting his cigarettes from the front of the car and getting out, leaving Awsten alone. He hoped it was for the best. He hoped that maybe Gracie could help, she's messaged him while Awsten was asleep to say that she could call, even though it was fairly early.

He hated seeing Awsten like this.

It was cold outside as he closed the car door behind him. He wasn't even wearing a shirt, only his jeans, and although today was considerably warmer than the others, it was still seven A.M. which meant that it was still fucking cold.

He walked down the small slope and sat down on the bank of the river, pulling his knees into his bare chest. A few hours ago they were making love here. Now Geoff was scared, that after barely even a day of being together, Awsten was going to leave him. Awsten was going to leave him after something he couldn't control. Awsten was going to leave him because of something that his mind fed him in his sleep.

And Geoff was devastated. He felt a light pain in his chest as he let tears glide down his cheeks. He wasn't exactly crying, it wasn't as if he was enduring it, although the tears were there. He was hurting.

Maybe it was from the fear and chances of the boy leaving him. That same beautiful boy that he admired every day. Maybe it was because he'd just seen how hurt Awsten was and it was haunting him. He didn't care which it was. All he knew was that he was properly crying now, and he couldn't stop letting his mind explore alternative possibilities to his future. Likely ones.

He picked up a small stone and threw it, hard, out into the river. Sighing, he took a cigarette out of his pack and a lighter out of his pocket, putting the stick between his teeth and messily lighting the tip. His cigarettes were going fast between him and Awsten. It didn't matter.

It didn't matter because he already knew that they were going to go home tomorrow. He knew that from the minute they left, they would only have about two or three days away. He thought it would be enough time to figure something out. It wasn't.

He didn't tell Awsten that they were leaving, either. He wanted to let the boy forget about his usual worries for a few days and just pretend like he promised they could. He didn't want to freak him out by telling him they had to leave when they'd only been here a day.

He must have been really stressed, his cigarette disappeared much quicker than expected. He sighed, carefully taking out another. He was never one to smoke a lot, usually only having one cigarette every few hours. This was an exception. He was stressed.

By the time that cigarette had burnt out as well, he'd decided that he wasn't going to have another. He didn't want another. He wanted Awsten to be okay. It took everything in his body not to get up and go back to the car and just hold the boy no matter how much he protested. He wanted to hold him. He wanted to care for him.

For the most part, his tears had subsided by this point. He just sat and stared out at the river that was being carried by a gentle current, harshly lapping at the rocks, slightly splashing onto him every now and then.

The air started to warm up as the sun moved further up into the sky. He'd been here for what felt like forever, at least in hour if he had to guess. He wanted to check on Awsten but refrained from doing so, just in case the boy was nearly calm and only seeing Geoff would cause his anxiety to spike again. The one thing that he wanted more than to care for Awsten was for Awsten to care for himself.

So he sat on the bank of the river. The same bank of the river as the previous night. He sat and thought until his thought process was exhausted, and then he cried.


	69. Slither

He immediately turned around when he heard the car door close and soft footsteps behind him. Despite the amount of sleep the boy had gotten, Awsten look absolutely exhausted.

His cheeks were red and his eyes were slightly puffy from all of the crying that he'd endured earlier, his steps much slower and unsteady as he lazily dragged his body to sit down next to Geoff by the river.

Neither of the two said anything. They just sat and stared at the water with their knees tucked into their chest, Geoff playing with his fingers while Awsten picked at some moss that was trying to sprout up between the rocks.

"My th-throat hurts."

"That's expected." Awsten had been hysterical earlier, sobbing violently and screaming as loud as he could. Now he's voice just sounded croaky and drained, like all of the life that was left in his body had managed to slither its way back out of his being.

"It was about you, again."

"Oh." Awsten kept his gaze steadily on what his hands were doing, picking at the moss, trying to keep himself occupied while he tried to explain the situation without freaking out again.

"You said that you loved me." Awsten tried to strain any tears back, not wanting to cry again. He'd already done that enough for one day. "You hurt me and s-said that you were just looking after me."

Geoff let that settle for a minute, really not wanting to upset Awsten again, trying to even find a way to deliver his thoughts into words. He couldn't. "How... did I hurt you? Was I yelling again?"

Awsten shook his head. "You, uh... said I was selfish because I didn't want to have sex w-with you. And then you made me, anyway."

"Aws, no." Geoff furrowed his eyebrows in sympathy and shuffled his body around so that he could hold one of Awsten's hands in his both of his own. "You know that I'm never gonna do that. I... did it freak you out that I said that I loved you? Did that upset you, sweetheart?"

Awsten's eyes shyly met the older boy's before glancing away almost immediately, swallowing thickly as his mouth dried out.

"I don't think I'm ready to say it back, yet."

"It's okay, baby. It's okay. I don't think I am, either. But I think I'm getting there, and I don't want that to worry you."

"It doesn't."

They sat there in silence for just a little while longer, Geoff still holding tightly onto Awsten's hand with his own, carefully bringing the boy's knuckles to his lips and kissing them softly.

Awsten's lips turned up slightly which allowed Geoff to have a rush of relief, even though the boy was still being cautious of him. The last thing that the older boy would ever want to do was upset Awsten. He would do anything to make it better.

Geoff squeezed Awsten's hand reassuringly as he tried to direct the conversation, trying to figure out what had happened. He didn't think that it was prying since the younger boy was the one who had initially began the conversation that they were currently having, although even if it was, the older boy still had to make Awsten feel better. He needed to know how. "Do you know why you've been getting them? The... dreams, you know?"

"T-They're usually about my dad... he's usually, like... hitting me, stuff like that. F-Forcing me to drink and become like him. Making me... hurt people I care about." The boy's eyes were watering but he quickly dried his eyes with the cuffs of his oversized pink hoodie. "I don't wanna hurt them, Geoff! But he makes me. I-I can't stop, he makes me!"

Geoff let Awsten fall into his chest so that he wouldn't waste his limited energy on holding himself up any longer. "I'm so sorry, Aws. I'm gonna make it stop. I'll find a way to make them stop."

The small boy shakily pulled himself away from Geoff's chest and sat up again, drying his eyes once more. Crying was too exhausting. "H-He's usually in the dreams because I get them about... things that I'm scared of."

Geoff felt his heart stop, lightly at first, like a little pang in his chest. And then, all of a sudden, it just was sucked down like a black hole, sink deeper and deeper at rapid speeds into the pit of his stomach. He didn't realise how hollow a body could feel like. How hollow his own body could feel like. It was foreign. It wasn't his. "A-Are you... are you scared of me, Aws?"

He was looking straight at the small boy who was sobbing into his hands, trying to hide his face. It was barely working, anyway. Geoff teared the boy's arms away from his face and made him look at his eyes, his own holding a soft but guilty expression. Awsten's just looked empty. There was nothing behind them.

Although Awsten just shook his head, wiping away the tears off of his cheeks with the sleeve of his hoodie, the fabric growing darker in patches as moisture soaked into it. "N-No. You're the only... s-safe thing I have right now. I-I'm scared that you're gon-gonna leave me!"

"I'm not, baby, I promise."

"You don't know that!" Awsten sobbed a little lighter this time. He was having a catharsis. Geoff decided that it was a good thing. "You don't know! You don't understand my head. I don't even understand. You can't promise if you don't know!" Awsten pulled his legs back into his chest and hugged them tightly, looking back out to the river even though he could feel the older boy staring at him. "That's not even my b-biggest fear."

"Then what is, sweetheart?"

"I'm scared that I'm not good enough."


	70. Shrapnel

The rain had started over an hour ago.

Geoff's mind was relapsing over and over again like an unsteady timer on some sort of bomb that was threatening to detonate in his head, only taking away the good thoughts with the explosion, shrapnel piercing through whatever it could find. He hadn't stopped worrying about Awsten.

Ever since the night before when he'd been laying with the younger boy, naked, he couldn't stop obsessing over how thin he noticed that the boy was. How he couldn't remember the last time Awsten had eaten, if he had even eaten at all while they'd been away.

Every time that Geoff would ask Awsten if he was hungry, he'd always reply with 'maybe later'. But there never was a later. Because Awsten just wasn't eating.

Of course, he'd noticed that Awsten was unusually underweight before, but he'd never been worried like he was now. He'd never realised how little Awsten was actually eating, which he guessed was the sole cause of the boy's delicate figure.

He refused to bring it up, though. If it didn't get better, soon- which he doubted that it would, then he would bring it up, even if it put the relationship on the line. But he wouldn't, not now. This trip away was the time that Geoff was dedicated to making sure that Awsten knew how beautiful he truly was. He was fragile and insecure. The older boy couldn't risk bringing up his body right now.

It wasn't even his body. Geoff believed that every single fucking inch of that boy was unspeakably perfect. He just wasn't looking after himself properly. It was a death wish.

They were sitting in the front of the car, watching as the rain trickled heavily down the windshield, not being able to see beyond it. Their faces were reflected on the glass, distorted from the water flow. It almost felt as if everyone else could look in and see them but they could only see themselves, reflected over and over again.

"Did you talk to Gracie?" The silence broke as the thoughts became too much for Geoff. Little did he know that they were even worse in Awsten's head.

The smaller boy nodded slowly, retracing the phone call back through his mind. "My parents are fucking furious. They want to get the police involved, apparently."

"It's going to be okay, sweetheart." Geoff placed his hand on his boyfriend's thigh, protectively, almost. "If the police find us, we tell them the truth, yeah? Your parents abuse you and it wasn't safe to stay there. That's all you have to do."

Awsten nodded lazily, it wasn't something that he wanted to have to do, even the older boy knew that. "She was also sick, the night before we left... nobody was home because they were all at the hospital with her." Awsten pushed some hair out of his face that kept getting in the way, he really needed to trim and dye it again.

"I know."

"I could have been an uncle."

"Yeah, love. Sarah told me."

"You already knew?" Awsten furrowed his eyebrows, almost sadly. "You knew before I did?"

Geoff nodded. "I didn't want to say anything because I felt like it should be her who told you." He rubbed gently at the boy's thigh to keep him calm, although Awsten didn't look like he was going to break down again. "I already had the feeling. Her symptoms started showing one night at my house."

"Oh." Awsten pinched the bridge of his nose from stress, he was having trouble comprehending everything. "My parents took it really well, actually. They were more upset about the miscarriage than the fact that she actually got knocked up in the first place."

"But they're mad that you're into guys?" The older boy questioned, trying to follow along. "So who's-"

"-Who's the father?" Awsten finished Geoff's sentence for him, already knowing he would ask this. "She doesn't know, apparently it could be, like, four different guys. I never thought she was like that. Like, ever."

"You really didn't know?" Geoff was almost shocked, he knew more than Gracie's own brother did. "Do you not even know about the drinking?"

"She drinks? She's fucking sixteen!" The roots to everything were getting slightly more tangled as the conversation went along. "How would you even know about that, anyway?"

"Who the fuck do you think manages to get them into all of those nightclubs?" Geoff laughed a little, cautiously though, waiting to see if Awsten would get upset about the older boy sneaking his little sister into clubs. He didn't, though.

"You're such a dick." Awsten was joking though, almost proudly at how not only Geoff but Gracie had managed to get away with doing that for so long.

"You love me for it, though."

"Whatever," Awsten rolled his eyes, watching the water running frantically down the glass. "She better not be doing drugs or I will actually kill you-"

"-She's not. Not that I know of. That's the one thing that I said they weren't allowed to do. They smoked weed once and hated it, I doubt they'd want to do anything beyond that, anyway." Awsten wasn't convinced, getting slightly jittery as he fiddled around with his shaky fingers. "Aws, come on. She listens to me. I'm kind of like... her cool dad or something."

"Please don't say that, that would make me kind of like your fucking son and I'm not about that."

"Oh," Geoff sighed sarcastically, smirking at Awsten whose gaze was still on the watered down glass. "That would be kind of hot."

"I fucking hate you."

"That's a good start."


	71. Sift

The rain was still pouring down as the two boys sat in the car. There wasn't much to do for entertainment, Geoff hated that this was how they had to spend their last day here.

He had to tell Awsten.

"Baby?" This conversation could either go well, or very badly. The older boy already knew which. "I need to talk to you about something."

The younger boy's gaze fell lazily from his lap over to his boyfriend's eyes, trying to figure out whether this was a good something or a bad something. "Hmm?" It was going to be a bad something.

Geoff cautiously took ahold of one of Awsten's hands in his own as he moved in his seat to face the smaller boy, who was now looking up at him with curiosity and worry. "We can't pretend anymore. I know it hasn't been long, but it's already time to stop pretending."

"W-What?" Awstens eyes became sad as he tried to follow along with what the older boy was trying to tell him. "What do you mean?"

"We're going home tomorrow, sweetheart. We can't stay out here any longer. We have to go."

Awsten's expression sunk. "H-Home? To my dad?" The boy's frail body had started to shake as he comprehended what that meant. "I c-can't!"

"No, lovely. Of course not. To my house. You can stay with me in my room for as long as we need to. It's going to be okay."

Awsten sighed. He didn't exactly want to hide in Geoff's bedroom for as long as it would take to make another plan, but he didn't think it would get much better. "How are we gonna hide me? L-Last time, you know... we got caught."

Geoff just shook his head. "We won't. I guess we just tell my parents that you're going to be staying with us, and just warn them that they can't tell your parents where you are. It's risky, I know that, sweetheart. I just didn't give myself enough time to think of a better plan. We needed more time."

Awsten would usually say that he didn't mind. That Geoff knew his parents, and if the older boy didn't think that they were going to say anything, then he trusted him. But he couldn't bring himself to do that, he didn't really know why.

He'd just be an intrusion, a burden, the blame.

Awsten didn't think that he'd made anything besides a bad impression on Geoff's family. It made him insecure as to how the older boy really felt about him. Maybe he truly did like Awsten, or think that he was beautiful, but there was always going to be at least one thing that somebody didn't like about him. That one thing, even though he didn't know what it was yet, was enough for him to want to lock himself away in a room for the rest of his life. One negative would outweigh the thousands of positives, it always did.

"We definitely don't have more time?"

"No, sweetheart." Geoff couldn't tell what Awsten was thinking, but it was clear to see that the younger boy was very fragile in this moment. That could either mean that he wanted to be held until the very last second possible, or wanted to be miles and miles away from everyone; including Geoff. There was no in between. A touch would either be the only thing that could keep him held together, or be the thing that rips him completely apart. "Can you tell me what you're thinking?"

Awsten only shrugged in response, he didn't really have any distinct thoughts. There were just too many to sift through to find something that could be put into a legible sentence.

"Are you okay?" The boy's unresponsiveness from Geoff's previous question had spiked worry in the older boy, trying to figure out exactly what it was that Awsten needed, and quickly.

Awsten didn't even shrug this time. He sat and stared out at the rain pouring down the windshield, accompanied by a loud clap of thunder. His face looked expressionless. The older boy didn't know what to do.

So, Geoff reached out and tried to hold Awsten's hand, although the younger boy flinched, pulling the hand that Geoff had tried to hold onto his chest so that the older boy couldn't touch it again. "No more affection."

"What- why? Baby, I-" Geoff stopped what he was saying as Awsten stared him down from using the pet-name. They had been fine an hour ago. They had been all over each other. It didn't make sense. "D-Did I do something, sweet-" he cut himself off, trying to respect the younger boy's needs right now.

Awsten shrugged again. Clearly he wasn't in the mood to talk, so Geoff decided that he'd have to figure out the cause as to what was making Awsten act like this. He pointed out the obvious. "It was the dream, wasn't it?"

"I could feel it. It w-wasn't real, I know that. I do. But... I was so cold and you were so warm and I could feel it... everything. And I could see you so clearly and you were talking to me and-" Awsten let out a small choked sob before acting as if he wasn't all that upset. "You were talking how you usually talk. T-The names you call me. I can't stop thinking about it every time that y-you call me something cute."

"Oh."

"It was so fucking real."

And Geoff just nodded, not because he understood, but because Awsten needed to think that he did.


End file.
